"Go to sleep, my child.
Escape to another dimension.
Flee to a new world.
Retreat to a different planet.
Forget about your misery and pain.
Let me heal you from the anguish and agony,
the hurt and suffering,
your sadness and frailness.
Worry no more.
Go to sleep, my child."
-rejected, ©Alyssia-Teddy.-

I feel amazingly stupid and weak.

Basically, I went back home this morning from school in total disgrace.

In the entire process of having that torturing headache and sudden fever..

I lost my dignity.

I lost my pride.

I lost my confidence.

I lost my self-esteem.

I lost my optimism.

I lost my sanity.

I lost control of my emotions.

I lost those who were once dear to me.

I lost touch with..me.
On the way to school this morning, my mum already noticed how sick I was, and asked me not to go instead.

Stubborn me insisted, because I had been missing out on too many Japanese classes, and I swear I have no idea what's going on in the syllabus anymore.

Just as I was about to reach the school gates, my pink tote bag with my file and textbooks tumbled down and everything in it came out.

It was then I told my mum,

"This is going to be a bad day.
Bad day indeed."
Haha. I know. How ironic of me to start the day with such a pessimistic thought.

It's said that it's the individual who decide how said individual's day turns out, so honestly, I was just ruining my day with just that single thought.

During Chemistry, Anna-chan sang songs with me, Azri joined in too. Guppy was just officiating the fact that I have finally lost my mind.

At least they were willing to entertain my freaky weird self. Haha.

Throughout the throbbing head and feverish state, that didn't hurt so bad.

I mean, I was sick. Easy as that.

What made it much worse..was this particular someone who was talking at the top of her voice with her friends, laughing their heads off over some friend's crazy antics, and just smiling with such joy.

I do feel happy for said particular someone. I really do.

But something in me stirred up, bringing back all those memories.

The times we had together, how we used to share our secrets with each other.

It hurts, knowing that something made all this vanish in just a matters of seconds.

We didn't talk at all for the next few weeks or so.

When I finally called you to try and clear things up, apparently we did.

Apparently, everything is finally settled.

But thinking back to that conversation, I was doing a lot of the explaining and crying.

I was just trying to make my stand clear, on what was going on then.

The only thing I can remember said particular someone saying was basically about how said particular someone was sorry said particular someone did not choose to confront me and question me personally on what's going on, instead of leaving me alone to mope and getting more upset with the whole issue.

Whatever it was, I just remembered telling said particular someone,


And I was right.

Maybe it's my fault because I didn't take the initiative to make things better between said particular someone and me.

Maybe it's my fault because I chose to doubt our close friendship, over another's words.

But hey, I may be at fault, but I am sure, I'm not fully at fault.

I deserve some pity or understanding of some sort at least.

But no, I wasn't given the chance to prove myself.

Instead, I personally think that things are just the same during The Drama.


I admit, I was rude, mean, childish, whatever you all think of me, 'cos I can't be bothered to know or care anymore.

I said things I shouldn't had said, I made accusations based on my then emotions and not logical thinking.

I said I wouldn't trust anybody anymore.

But it's hard.

When I confided in the elders and the very few from school about this, all of them basically gave almost the same advice.


But honestly, I tried.

Let me clarify that this is not an easy feat at all.

I tried. I really did.

But what I got, was more tears and a lower self-esteem level.

Sure, I feel dumb and miserable for causing all this to myself by myself.

I did, and still am brooding over this matter.

Do you know, sitting next to said particular someone in class hurts even more?

It's like, the differences and the distance between us, just grew further and wider apart.

And we lost contact. Just like that.

I don't care anymore if people are going to say that I'm just noting all of this down and lying or exaggerating about the whole matter to just attract attention, to have people concerned for me, to have them sympathize with me.

I was just trying to speak up and voice out.

I realized I'm the one who always have to give way.

To put myself in another's shoes.

To understand and listen to another's problems.

To be pushed around and thrown away like some object.

To be teased and insulted, to be criticized and commented.

To always act out the favour, but never to be returned at times when I do need help.


But, what's constantly bugging me, is that if I do want a chance to fit in, I have to change into a whole different person.

Someone who's really competitive with the positions and marks in class.

Someone who can communicate with anyone and impress them not long after.

Someone who can go out to CS to hang out with friends.

Someone who is aware of what's the in news in the other premier schools.

Problem is, because of what I already am, I can't fulfill all of the requirements at all.

I didn't even bother to state the rest, because I know it's just going to cause some controversy between them and me again.


Simple as that.

And I had mentioned about how I couldn't stand this person in school, but I think I can actually understand her point of view.

She just wants to fit in, like me.

Only, I think I don't make myself look too obvious about that.

So, I can understand how she feels.

If to change who I really am to gain temporary happiness in school, is it worth it?

Frankly, I don't know anymore.

Because of all these thoughts, I was tearing up since the start of Chemistry.

When my classmates suspected I was crying, I just passed it off as 'sore eyes' or 'sleepiness.'

In fact, I was just trying to hide those tears.

After Chemistry, it was BM.

Back to that seat, which just tortures me too much inside.

Still, I had to take my place.

Cik Fatilla was explaining about the rumusan homework we had today.

Instead of listening, which I just couldn't, I just teared up without wanting to.

I stuffed some tissue up my nose, hoping nobody saw me looking so miserable.

Especially Anna-chan, I don't want to make her upset 'cos I was crying.

But since I'm already confiding it in here, I'm sorry Anna dear. Please don't be upset for me, ne?

At that very moment, Cik Fatilla asked me,

"Kong, you ok tak?"
"Demam, cikgu."
And I tried focusing once more.

By the time it was Physics, I couldn't stand the headache and heartache anymore.

I ran to call my mum, and cried into the phone, asking her to fetch me from school and send me home.

I just couldn't bear to go for Physics and repeat the painful process of having those flashbacks all over again.

Tears were already falling.

I walked quickly into the toilet, chose the third cubicle from the left which everyone had said to be haunted, and cried my eyes out there.

As much as I wanted to stop, I just couldn't.

I really can't.

I had no idea how long I stayed in there.

I thought of cutting myself, self-mutilation, suicide. I thought it all.

Stupid, silly immature thoughts.

But I think I finally maintained composure of my tear glands when it was almost recess.

Went back up the stairs, to my empty class.

Shut the doors, and just collapsed into my seat.

I didn't care if I were to be left alone in class, with nobody else to take note of what's going on with me.

I didn't care if some prefect on duty turned up and wrote my name down.

I didn't care if Pn Azalina came in and threatens to demerit me and confiscate my tie.

I just wasn't bothered anymore.

The pain in my head, and heart, was too much to bear.

I didn't know who to confide in.

Tell the majority of the people that's left that I could actually trust - it will be something that I had heard countless times.


Tell Anna-chan, and I think she'll be more miserable, 'cos she's such a happy-go-lucky girl, I can't bear to ruin her optimism.

What to do.

Just lock all that pain inside of me and keep it to myself.

Instead of bringing sadness into others.

Might as well bear it myself.

Fell sick again. It's already a monthly routine.

My dad is banning me from camps, extra-curricular activities and school tomorrow.

Great. Just splendid.

I know he's concerned, but..sigh.

My life is ruined.

Thanks to me, myself and I.

Hurrah.

If you think this is all too dramatic for you to bear, be with it.

I'm tired of being judged and hated and bitched about and brought down.

And after this entry gets published, a lot of people are going to hate me for this.

Truly, sincerely, honestly.


And this is coming from a dejected girl who has almost lost all hope in life.

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

"Go to sleep, my child.
Escape to another dimension.
Flee to a new world.
Retreat to a different planet.
Forget about your misery and pain.
Let me heal you from the anguish and agony,
the hurt and suffering,
your sadness and frailness.
Worry no more.
Go to sleep, my child."
-rejected, ©Alyssia-Teddy.-

I feel amazingly stupid and weak.

Basically, I went back home this morning from school in total disgrace.

In the entire process of having that torturing headache and sudden fever..

I lost my dignity.

I lost my pride.

I lost my confidence.

I lost my self-esteem.

I lost my optimism.

I lost my sanity.

I lost control of my emotions.

I lost those who were once dear to me.

I lost touch with..me.
On the way to school this morning, my mum already noticed how sick I was, and asked me not to go instead.

Stubborn me insisted, because I had been missing out on too many Japanese classes, and I swear I have no idea what's going on in the syllabus anymore.

Just as I was about to reach the school gates, my pink tote bag with my file and textbooks tumbled down and everything in it came out.

It was then I told my mum,

"This is going to be a bad day.
Bad day indeed."
Haha. I know. How ironic of me to start the day with such a pessimistic thought.

It's said that it's the individual who decide how said individual's day turns out, so honestly, I was just ruining my day with just that single thought.

During Chemistry, Anna-chan sang songs with me, Azri joined in too. Guppy was just officiating the fact that I have finally lost my mind.

At least they were willing to entertain my freaky weird self. Haha.

Throughout the throbbing head and feverish state, that didn't hurt so bad.

I mean, I was sick. Easy as that.

What made it much worse..was this particular someone who was talking at the top of her voice with her friends, laughing their heads off over some friend's crazy antics, and just smiling with such joy.

I do feel happy for said particular someone. I really do.

But something in me stirred up, bringing back all those memories.

The times we had together, how we used to share our secrets with each other.

It hurts, knowing that something made all this vanish in just a matters of seconds.

We didn't talk at all for the next few weeks or so.

When I finally called you to try and clear things up, apparently we did.

Apparently, everything is finally settled.

But thinking back to that conversation, I was doing a lot of the explaining and crying.

I was just trying to make my stand clear, on what was going on then.

The only thing I can remember said particular someone saying was basically about how said particular someone was sorry said particular someone did not choose to confront me and question me personally on what's going on, instead of leaving me alone to mope and getting more upset with the whole issue.

Whatever it was, I just remembered telling said particular someone,


And I was right.

Maybe it's my fault because I didn't take the initiative to make things better between said particular someone and me.

Maybe it's my fault because I chose to doubt our close friendship, over another's words.

But hey, I may be at fault, but I am sure, I'm not fully at fault.

I deserve some pity or understanding of some sort at least.

But no, I wasn't given the chance to prove myself.

Instead, I personally think that things are just the same during The Drama.


I admit, I was rude, mean, childish, whatever you all think of me, 'cos I can't be bothered to know or care anymore.

I said things I shouldn't had said, I made accusations based on my then emotions and not logical thinking.

I said I wouldn't trust anybody anymore.

But it's hard.

When I confided in the elders and the very few from school about this, all of them basically gave almost the same advice.


But honestly, I tried.

Let me clarify that this is not an easy feat at all.

I tried. I really did.

But what I got, was more tears and a lower self-esteem level.

Sure, I feel dumb and miserable for causing all this to myself by myself.

I did, and still am brooding over this matter.

Do you know, sitting next to said particular someone in class hurts even more?

It's like, the differences and the distance between us, just grew further and wider apart.

And we lost contact. Just like that.

I don't care anymore if people are going to say that I'm just noting all of this down and lying or exaggerating about the whole matter to just attract attention, to have people concerned for me, to have them sympathize with me.

I was just trying to speak up and voice out.

I realized I'm the one who always have to give way.

To put myself in another's shoes.

To understand and listen to another's problems.

To be pushed around and thrown away like some object.

To be teased and insulted, to be criticized and commented.

To always act out the favour, but never to be returned at times when I do need help.


But, what's constantly bugging me, is that if I do want a chance to fit in, I have to change into a whole different person.

Someone who's really competitive with the positions and marks in class.

Someone who can communicate with anyone and impress them not long after.

Someone who can go out to CS to hang out with friends.

Someone who is aware of what's the in news in the other premier schools.

Problem is, because of what I already am, I can't fulfill all of the requirements at all.

I didn't even bother to state the rest, because I know it's just going to cause some controversy between them and me again.


Simple as that.

And I had mentioned about how I couldn't stand this person in school, but I think I can actually understand her point of view.

She just wants to fit in, like me.

Only, I think I don't make myself look too obvious about that.

So, I can understand how she feels.

If to change who I really am to gain temporary happiness in school, is it worth it?

Frankly, I don't know anymore.

Because of all these thoughts, I was tearing up since the start of Chemistry.

When my classmates suspected I was crying, I just passed it off as 'sore eyes' or 'sleepiness.'

In fact, I was just trying to hide those tears.

After Chemistry, it was BM.

Back to that seat, which just tortures me too much inside.

Still, I had to take my place.

Cik Fatilla was explaining about the rumusan homework we had today.

Instead of listening, which I just couldn't, I just teared up without wanting to.

I stuffed some tissue up my nose, hoping nobody saw me looking so miserable.

Especially Anna-chan, I don't want to make her upset 'cos I was crying.

But since I'm already confiding it in here, I'm sorry Anna dear. Please don't be upset for me, ne?

At that very moment, Cik Fatilla asked me,

"Kong, you ok tak?"
"Demam, cikgu."
And I tried focusing once more.

By the time it was Physics, I couldn't stand the headache and heartache anymore.

I ran to call my mum, and cried into the phone, asking her to fetch me from school and send me home.

I just couldn't bear to go for Physics and repeat the painful process of having those flashbacks all over again.

Tears were already falling.

I walked quickly into the toilet, chose the third cubicle from the left which everyone had said to be haunted, and cried my eyes out there.

As much as I wanted to stop, I just couldn't.

I really can't.

I had no idea how long I stayed in there.

I thought of cutting myself, self-mutilation, suicide. I thought it all.

Stupid, silly immature thoughts.

But I think I finally maintained composure of my tear glands when it was almost recess.

Went back up the stairs, to my empty class.

Shut the doors, and just collapsed into my seat.

I didn't care if I were to be left alone in class, with nobody else to take note of what's going on with me.

I didn't care if some prefect on duty turned up and wrote my name down.

I didn't care if Pn Azalina came in and threatens to demerit me and confiscate my tie.

I just wasn't bothered anymore.

The pain in my head, and heart, was too much to bear.

I didn't know who to confide in.

Tell the majority of the people that's left that I could actually trust - it will be something that I had heard countless times.


Tell Anna-chan, and I think she'll be more miserable, 'cos she's such a happy-go-lucky girl, I can't bear to ruin her optimism.

What to do.

Just lock all that pain inside of me and keep it to myself.

Instead of bringing sadness into others.

Might as well bear it myself.

Fell sick again. It's already a monthly routine.

My dad is banning me from camps, extra-curricular activities and school tomorrow.

Great. Just splendid.

I know he's concerned, but..sigh.

My life is ruined.

Thanks to me, myself and I.

Hurrah.

If you think this is all too dramatic for you to bear, be with it.

I'm tired of being judged and hated and bitched about and brought down.

And after this entry gets published, a lot of people are going to hate me for this.

Truly, sincerely, honestly.


And this is coming from a dejected girl who has almost lost all hope in life.

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