Together -
we stand united.
Alone -
and apart we shall.
There. Done and over with.

I canceled out my last post 'cos it won't make any sense now to go all emotional when I had found more pieces to this puzzle called Drama. Almost picture perfect.

It'll be a long time before we know whether everything would be back to normal or not.

But yearh, only time can tell.

Damn, I missed talking to you so much.

A month..was getting too hard to bear.

So to the BITCH that made this Drama possible, salutes to you.

But too bad, I'm happy now.
If your intention was to bring me down, congrats, you did your job, and a job well done.


Hell yeah, it made me a better person.

So thanks dearie. Cheers to you. (:

PS : You should tell me who you are you know. I can credit you nicely then. I think you definitely deserve being known for such a tremendous effort in making this happen.

Pfffffft.

*****A proper update coming soon.

And to you.


Truly am.

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Scream your heart out.
Someone might hear them.
But it doesn't matter whether they understood or not.
'Cos the one who has to endure the pain and misery?
"She's you, my child."
She slammed the door shut that night, earlier than usual.

In fury, she pushed the photos of her loved ones, her CD collection, everything she holds dear to her heart that she had arranged on her table meticulously, but now not anymore, to the floor.

Crash! Snap! Shatter! Those items had to set up their new homes on the ground, not being able to seek refuge beforehand.




Even if them pain slowly dies down, the birth of the scarred remains in this world, resembling the circle of life.


The mistress throws herself to her bed, her escapade from the suffering she has to go through.

Her bed welcomes her with open arms, inviting her once more to the Land of Make-Believe.

Before she gratefully accepts..

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

"Say cheese dearie."
Who knows?
This might be your last picture.
200th post - so I won't particularly rant in this entry, don't want to waste my blog's 200th ranting issues that..aren't worth to be mentioned again for the time being.

Yesh, I'll be open about one thing. A decision that had been made, which now depends on the consequences of this battle, or should I say - fight, as it had been fondly called.

Definitely, this decision would be..


That is, if the worst does happens, yes, that is exactly what I'm going to do.

Go ahead readers, spread the word if you want to.

It's not like it's confirmed anyway.

As much as how much joining Interact had changed me to who I am now, and making and meeting a whole lot of new friends, but really, if this goes on, it would be harder for my school's Interact Club to regain its former glory. That, I definitely wouldn't want to happen.

I hadn't discuss this with any of the Interactors yet, but I'm sure for the sake of upholding that reputation our club has, they'll respect my decision.

Though I do think the result of this decision being official or not would only be revealed during the next Interact meeting that's most probably going to be conducted after the holidays.

Oh well..we'll see.

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

"Loving you, loving me."

That date, reminds me without fail what a trying day I had on that very same day.

It tested me on many issues.

Issues that make up what kind of individual I would be, and could be in the future.

For example, I got so pissed with Fairuz, I screamed at her in front on Munnie and Min Wen without a care, considering that I'm one who is supposedly the calm and concise one.

I'm not ashamed to admit, I stormed to the toilet near the canteen next to the hall, not caring whether the doors of the cubicles could be locked or not, and cried my eyes out there.

Anger got to me, yes that is very true indeed.

In any case, a big thank you to Munnie for being so concerned for me. (:

I just had a bad day then.

Not many people are aware of it though.

Speaking of which, it was then I realized who were the true friends that would be there for me when I'm at my worst.

I shall definitely honour them here, for they deserve it so.

Guppy, my tuition buddy for Biology, Chemistry and Add Math, she consoled me in her own way, and she listens to me when I needed someone to hear me out about the politics in our class and also my problems. She won't ever backstab me, and it's definitely comforting to have that bit of information deeply etched in my head. Thank you crazy friend that never fails to make me laugh out loud at your actions. Especially what recently happened in Chemistry and Biology tuition. Read her blog for the full story xD Oh yeah, and thanks loads for your correction tape and that last piece of graph paper. Saved my life indeed. God bless you.

Jia Ying, who calls me granny. I realized that she is always telling me to chill, as she said that I'm overstressed, overworked, overexhausted. She's super nice, as if nobody knows that. But yeah, she was that kind to lend me her books so that I can catch up with my studies, and offered me tissues when I cried my eyes out once more, even though she had the flu and badly needed the tissues for herself, that I can totally understand. Thank you so muchies (=

My dear scandal partner. That darling who called me Tiger-chan. The same girl who drew that awesome message on the plastic bag that has my meds in it. Anna-chan who had constantly been there for me. Even though I was safely hidden from the eyes of my other classmates (or so I thought), Anna-chan came over not long after and wiped my tears away with her hands. And patted my head at the same time. No, you did not mess up my hair, no worries x]

What can beat all of that, is that she sneaked out of the classroom through the back door all of a sudden. Even I myself did not realized it till Guppy and Jia Ying told me so. She is definitely in the making of a great Ninja, other than Azri who uses her skills against me violently. xP Minutes later, Anna dear came back. And with her she brought..

..a few stalks of flowers all the way from downstairs.

Yes, how sweet of her.

My heart practically melted when I finally registered into my brain what was going on.

Just to cheer me up, she risked getting caught by Puan Azalina for walking around without a class pass, she risked getting caught by any other teacher who could had reprimanded her for damaging school property, she risked it all.

All for me.

"Domo arigatou ne, Anna-chan."

I really appreciate all that you had done for me, and always know that you are AWESOME in your own way. Do. Not. Ever. Change. ;)

Next up, we have the Wicked Wizard of the West, Azri. She saw me feeling down as well, and constantly told me the same thing over and over to return that bit of cheer to me.


Which I'm then forced to do so and with that, endorphins are naturally released in me, which did make me feel a whole lot better. Thank you, Azri the meanie. Who can be nice when she wants to. :P

Then there's Anith and Liyana whom I hardly talk to. Boy, do I feel that bit of guilt in me. And by just talking some stuff over with them, I realized that actually, we do have a lot in common, especially Anith. Liyana was practically welcoming me as a new family member at their table. I felt really accepted then, even if it did hurt knowing that I had lost a few friends, whom I thought were friends but actually, are slowly but surely bringing me down with their actions. So thanks Anith and Liyana, even if it really looked like I had ignored you guys in class, and even was impatient most of the time with y'all, you guys are still treating me so nicely. Thanks, really.

Jaafar who was trying to make me tell her what's wrong, didn't managed to do so, since I didn't want to tell her as the person involved was sitting right next to me then. But that person knows very well it's her when I said quite loudly that I didn't want to talk about it as it was a long story.

Oh yeah, guess what?

That same person, she saw me cried.

She didn't apologize though.

What a shame.

I finally saw her true colours.

Man, too bad her colours aren't in harmony at all.

But thanks Jaafar, for being concerned. And at least being more of a friend by sensing that something is way wrong with me then. :)

Of course, these are the ones who made my day.

But, I have more true friends that these, those little actions make up a long way in my life.

Those whom I truly regard as friends in school, most of them are scattered in different classes. Though they seem far, but knowing that they are there for me? That makes me feel a whole lot better.

They are the ones who will keep me going in this dreadful political scene, till I graduate from high school.

They know who they are, and a big thank you from me to them for just..being my friends. :')

And then there are my tuition mates, my beloved RYLA-rians, the Rehab Gang, Terri and Dee who have so much in common with me, and those that had inspired me, believed in me, and really do regard me as their friend..my sincerest thanks as well for making the me of today. :]

And of course, Miss Natalie Chin.

One darn cheerful girl and super easy to talk to. I had just recovered from crying twice in that same day, and even though I didn't tell her anything, just talking to her felt great. She even made me smiled within seconds. :) She's a dear, really. Thanks fellow Green lover :D

Music class that day, was alright.

After a day full of problems and yesh, we can't miss out the word drama, music class was a nice change from the stressing environment in class.

It's those little things in life that brings the smile back on my face.

And the people that are responsible for them?

From the bottom of my heart, from this unimportant being..

3 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Simplicity is beauty at its purest.
I stayed at home again yesterday, since my fever decided to haunt me for a little while more. Bet it's having fun, as it apparently seems I'm such an easy target to be attacked by these viruses that make me fall sick every month since the beginning of the year.

And no, I'm not joking.

Neither am I exaggerating.

Unfortunately, it seems that my words - whether verbally or through written words in black and white as stated in my blog, had been highly misinterpreted indeed.

How unfortunate it is that these people seem to think that I am typing and saying all of this to attract the attention of others, to have people to feel sorry for me, to get the pity of others that are actually lending their ears or eyes in the case of my blog, for me.

It is also just as unfortunate, that these very people that seem to think so, are actually the people whom I used to call friends.

Friends.
I'm starting to understand that this very word is a highly subjective term.

Certain people that I had used to trust, used my own words against me.

Because of that, it is definitely quite upsetting.

Disappointing.

Certain people that I had shared my tears and smiles with, made me cry even more and turned that smile the other way round.

Certain people that I had helped but I don't expect anything in return, just for a sincere helping hand when I do really need it, decided to help someone else and broke their promises instead, especially a certain someone.

Certain people that had bitched and dissed about this certain somebody to me, is now oh so nice to the said certain somebody and even pledged to be the greatest friend that will always be by certain somebody's side.

Certain people befriended me, all because they had thought that they could gain fame, popularity, a name for themselves in the pursuit of paving the path of success for them only.

When these certain people had gotten what they had wanted from just befriending me, or they realized they couldn't get anything out of me at all, they decided to just throw me into the reject pile or even better yet, take advantage of my niceness and leniency while kicking me around like a football, or stepping on my head as if I was a Nobody.

I don't want to name anybody here, as it had all been revealed in my Wordpress account, a site I had recently decided to sign up for after thinking that password-required posts are now absoulutely necessary in my life as a student in an all girls' school and my sarcasm and bluntness as a blogger is not appreciated at all, even if I do have the rights to rant about my honest thoughts in my blog.

"Is this what I deserve from just trying to be a friend?"

"Is this how I'm suppose to behave, cuss about others and lie my way to get what I want?"

"Am I doing the right thing, shunning myself away from them and still letting them diss about me behind my back?"

"Am I going to survive without them, who are loved by many thus it is easier for them to get what they want?"

"Can I achieve something on my own, without depending on the aforementioned certain people now?"

"Can I stand on my own too feet, to not be too soft-hearted and to maintain my sanity with this evil thing called reality encircling my world?"
Well, only time will tell now.

I had made a decision.

It had started on Monday.

It had officially started today.

Hopefully, I would stick to this decision that I had made a long time ago, but had failed time and time again for being too nice, it seems.

And hopefully, I would never regret this. (:

PS : To the very same certain people and the certain somebody, like I had said before, I had never used names in my entries unless completely necessary. If you think you are among the people that I had mentioned, it's your guilt that is making you think so by the way.

And what's more, your behaviour(s) towards me in school clearly shows that you guys did placed yourselves as the certain people or/and certain somebody I'm talking about. Guilt's getting to you huh.

My question is, "Why torture yourselves with that same guilt?

Why did y'all did all of that in the first place? Jealousy? Envy? Revenge? Anger? Fury? Dissatisfaction?"

Only you would know for yourselves, my dears.

Ah, this is the life.

Imbeciles.

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

• Leonie just went to see the third doctor within a week.
  
• Leonie is certified to have weak lungs by three doctors.
• Leonie is typing this out not for the sake of self-pity or trying to attract attention to herself.
• In fact, Leonie just wants people to be aware that she is not a Superwoman of any kind, and she is not telling any lies about this.
• Leonie is very disappointed how much of a hypocrite those two are actually are.
• Bet backstabbing had also been another trump card in this game we're in already.
• If this is what they really think of all the time, bring it on.
• 'Cos Leonie is sick of fakers when all she wants are true friends that can be there for her, and her for them.
• Therefore, Leonie concludes.
• Thank gawd for true friends that still do exist in this horrid, selfish and cruel world.
• Too bad, they're all so far from her side at most times.
  

2 comment(s):

Post a Comment

All you need are the right amount of paints;
to bring some colour into those monochrome thoughts.
Thanks for the support and concern y'all.

To the one who gave me sound advice - Lynnie-jie.

To the one who just directly shoots me with the facts of life - kor.

To my dear RYLA-rians that will always be great friends - Christina, Karyn, Agilan.

To my darling Anna-chan the ballerina and Ozri the Wicked Wizard of the West - you both never fail to cheer me up in class and be there for me whenever I look depressed or upset or lonely (:

To my fellow 4SC1 peeps and friends who were actually there for me throughout it all - Jia Ying and Guppy.

To my husband who is always so concerned for my mental and physical health - Stepho.

To those simple actions in making my day a whole lot better - Syadza for that hug, Arbayah and Eka for their smiles, Tasha for her pink balloon, Jaafar for her randomness, and Amoi..for just being Amoi.

To you that allowed me to rant so much to you almost every time I see you and keeping me on my feet - Naomi.

To the you who are always there for me, you know how much I appreciate you so.

To Fio, for being nice when I see you personally out there and being not so nice and nice online. For just being Fio larh. Just wanted to mention you here. See how nice I am? Kidding. Haha.

To Ah Yuan and Yun Han aka Mao Mao, for constantly making sure I'm alright during Bio tuition earlier when I was coughing so bad then.

To Char Ming, my two day old friend, the tuition mate that I had never really befriended before and just made firm friends with since the Spelling Bee Competition, for those mints when you saw me coughing my lungs out in tuition as well. Life saver indeed. Thanks so darn much for being such a concerned friend as well.

To Cai Ling aka my dearie darling Lesbo Sex Partner, for screaming out my name not caring at all what the tons of people that may think of you being a tad too loud by the corridors, just to let me know that you saw me and let me hug you after so long. I needed that hug so much, and I just love you so for being you ♥

To everybody else who are helping me rebuild my life..

..thanks, thanks and thanks.

4 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Three out of five schooling days in this week alone - I had been absent.

Three days in a row - it had been a strict diet of biscuits, bread, porridge, and soup only.

Four days of not being in class - losing touch with those I consider dear to me.

Joining debate - is my biggest mistake this year.

Editorial board - the original element of fun had been taken away, thanks to her.

School obligations - getting those certs while making myself mentally disturbed, hurrah.

Procrastination - had taken over Najwa's place as my best friend.

Things would never be the same anymore.

Those that I truly call friends? So far from me, yet so near.

Those that I thought were friends? It's time for me to stand up for myself and stop them from stepping on my head over and over.

Should I stop being nice to everyone, and start being mean?

Or should I consider cutting all ties to those I truly care for, as I don't want them to get worried for me needlessly?

Alienating myself from this world..would it help me?

Rebuild my self-esteem?

Regain my confidence?

Enlightened on more theories of the cruel yet true realities of the world?

Suddenly..I don't know anymore.

Is it worth plastering that fake smile even though I'm honestly heartbroken inside?

Is it right hiding my sadness away and making myself more miserable, or opening it up and realizing that nobody is listening to me in the first place?

Is it wrong to keep everything to myself, bottling up my feelings?

Or it is even worse hurting those who do love me for me - knowing that I'm actually so unhappy?

Is is worth trying to bring happiness to those I cared for, only to end up not being remembered at all in the end?

Is it worth sacrificing what I am, for the sake of others who can't even see me for me?

More undeniable truths, that I still try to run away from.

I can't please everyone.

I can't expect everyone to be at my side whenever I please.

I can't be someone that everybody likes naturally.

I can't fit in, whatever the circumstances.

I can't be truly happy, thinking that trying to be closer to them friends would make me lose them all, while not making an effort? They wouldn't even come in the first place.

I can't expect life to go as I always want to.

I can't expect everyone to bear with my antics.

I can't expect me to be perfect.

I can't be perfect.

I never was.

I'd always tried to.

Failing miserably?

A big yes.

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry.

I suck.

And I know it.

Huge self-esteem issues?

I got them alright.

What is right, and what is wrong?

What should be done, and what should be gone?

What should be remembered, and what should be forgotten?

What should be me?

What is me?

I just..

..I don't even know who I really am now.

Should people be making me, or should I be the one knowing who's me?

Fill in the blanks, there's no right or wrong answer.

This is just from a girl who's very much lost and would want to know some honest truths from others.

Basically, all she can think of is only one thing.

2 comment(s):

Post a Comment

A reflection of me,
she won't show what's within.
but am I doing justice at all,
to the her that stares right back at me?
Hello hello dear readers.

That's to the fact if I even do have any at this point, since it's been long since I'd updated.

Oh well, can't blame them.

But in any case, I do have this sudden urge to blog, since it had been one hectic week.

Like..sleeping at 5.00am in the morning and waking up at 6.30am on my school's IU Day? For the sake of finishing my Powerpoint presentation, my so-called speech, a couple of other scripts and the ticket registration list. So yesh, I do secretly hope deep inside that my presentation was appreciated at least, on that day, even if it's not up to standard.

But hey, I did it with much sincerity okay, what more sacrificing my beauty sleep for the entertainment of those who did come for IU, so I do expect a little bit of credit there aye.

Because I was honestly devastated when I received this particular comment right after my presentation that it was too short. You know who you are. I'm really sorry, but please, I was already so exhausted, and you expected it to be longer? Who would want to listen to me anyway?

Maybe it's my fault because it's really done on a last minute basis, but as if I had so much free time in my hands.

Sigh.

And yesh, I was so exhausted by the time I finished the Powerpoint, that I just gave up on my speech, and made some stuff up approximately..five minutes before my turn to speak during the event itself? Just ah-mazing isn't it. Pardon my crap then.

Knowing that I sucked in the Mexican Hat Dance didn't help at all. Thank gawd to the human that invented shorts. Bless you.

Enough about IU, I'm just glad it's over.

But no, there has to be more drama after something that major is over.

This is to all those who wanted to know the full story on why Leonie has been absent from school on Monday and Tuesday.

Right after four hours of tuition on Sunday, I fell sick.

It wasn't even just the normal flu virus or anything, but hell yeah, damn sick was I that day.

High fever that almost hit 40°C? Feeling darn cold in Malaysia's super humid and scorching weather?

Abnormal, that's for sure.

Had a Panadol and slept for awhile, and frankly, I felt better after that, thinking that it wasn't anything serious.

And yet again, I was proven wrong.

The high fever came back after dinner, and the drama starts again.

Tried to see a doctor immediately, but apparently there was 6 or 7 people already at the clinic, waiting to be treated.

So fine, since I'm already so feverish and zombified, I just waited and waited.

About twenty minutes later, all I can remember in that current state of mine, was people rushing in and out of the clinic, asking for their turn.

My mum, who was with me then, told me to ask the receptionist when would my turn come.

I did just that.

The response?

"Lima belas orang lagi."
You gotta be kidding me.

Needless to say, my dad rushed over to bring me to another nearby clinic.

And tell you what, this doctor is very inexperienced, according to my many encounters with my family doctor, thanks to me falling sick just too often this year.

But I didn't complain then, nor realized anything, since I was too sick to care.

The only sentences that I heard clearly then?

"If your fever still does not go down in the next two days, since this does not look like the common fever, come back on Tuesday morning to take a blood test. You're suspected of having dengue fever."
Oh hot damn.

No pun intended.

I still had no major reaction to that.

I didn't feel a thing.

I had no idea it was anything serious, since nothing was going into my already burning head.

Not even after I messaged Veena, telling her I can't go to school the next day.

Not even I texted Cai Ling dear, asking for a favour to do a little something for me.

I only told Veena and Cai Ling anyway, thinking that it wasn't anything serious still, and didn't want anybody else to get worried over something that might not be true.

Thinking it's merely an exaggeration.

It was till Cai Ling called me back, and asked me this one question right after I answered her call..

"Leonie!! Are you okay??!"
..I started crying.

And I just couldn't stop, 'cos Cai Ling just sounded so worried for me, and was trying to make sure I was fine.

And no, I don't want any of you telling her that I cried when she called me on Sunday, because she doesn't read my blog, at least not yet, and I don't think it's necessary for her to get upset because of this, you get me?

But it was nice to know that someone cares then.

I freaking swear upon this insignificant life of mine, that I really felt like I was dying then.

Literally.

No exaggeration, nothing.

Thank goodness, after taking the meds, the fever did go down.

I'm one blessed human.

Though I did made another visit to my family doctor yesterday, and I didn't have to take any darn blood test.

Woot.

And just what I DID NOT want to hear, was heard.

"I'm going to be very serious with you now, young lady. You are suffering from a severe case of over-exhaustion, and from your history of past illnesses, I noticed that your lungs are very weak, due to that severe cough you had two years back. I want you to have a lot of rest, and if possible, drop all of your school activities. Take a break. Or your parents will get very worried over your health. Your immune system is too weak for a young lady like you. You got that, young lady?"
Trust me, my family doctor hasn't been THIS strict with me before.

And I got scared, honestly.

Not one single word up there by my family doctor had been altered in any way.

Well, good job for him, he did his job of drilling every single word above into my head.

So yeah, I'm just trying to clarify things with everyone here.

I never dare to make a martyr of myself about anything concerning my health.

I don't do self-pity to attract attention.

I mean every single word I'm typing here, and I just don't want people to think that I'm such a brat anymore.

It really sucks when the many people I trusted, or thought I trusted, won't believe that I'm really sick.

I don't want to make such a big deal of it either, so please, unless anything major happens to me, can all of you please don't belittle my emotions and thoughts?

I treat all of you as the most important beings in my life. You guys matter to me so freaking damn much.

My question is..

..have you all ever treated me the same way?

*****Went up to KL on Monday morning, to drop my bro there.

Thinking that I wouldn't miss him, since he's apparently coming back for a two month holiday in about..seven weeks?

Just then, right after we reached the toll, my mum just had to pop the most dreaded question at that time.

"Miss your kor right?"

"Ah-mazingly, YESH."

"Feels different sitting in the car alone now, isn't it?"
And I don't think my bro reads my blog very often, but yesh.

Being the emotional drama mama I am, I cried.

Of course my parents have no idea I did.

I just silently let the tears go, realizing that for the next three years..

..there's no annoying poke to await me when I'm home.

..there's no one with a similar mind to rant to about my school problems, after my mum goes through that bit of torture as well.

..there's no one to go high and absolutely nonsensical with.

..there's no one I can whine at to help me with my homework.

..there's no one who'll make silly jokes just to try to cheer me up every time I looked grouchy, grumpy and moody, which is like, everyday now.

..there's just no more kor at home to depend on.

Boy, am I tearing up again.

Every human with a heart would have their emotional moments.

So, don't sue me for being dramatic or for crying too often these days.

I'm human too.

I just miss him. Really.

*****Life does sucks at some point.

2 comment(s):

Post a Comment

                                                   

It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

Together -
we stand united.
Alone -
and apart we shall.
There. Done and over with.

I canceled out my last post 'cos it won't make any sense now to go all emotional when I had found more pieces to this puzzle called Drama. Almost picture perfect.

It'll be a long time before we know whether everything would be back to normal or not.

But yearh, only time can tell.

Damn, I missed talking to you so much.

A month..was getting too hard to bear.

So to the BITCH that made this Drama possible, salutes to you.

But too bad, I'm happy now.
If your intention was to bring me down, congrats, you did your job, and a job well done.


Hell yeah, it made me a better person.

So thanks dearie. Cheers to you. (:

PS : You should tell me who you are you know. I can credit you nicely then. I think you definitely deserve being known for such a tremendous effort in making this happen.

Pfffffft.

*****A proper update coming soon.

And to you.


Truly am.

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Scream your heart out.
Someone might hear them.
But it doesn't matter whether they understood or not.
'Cos the one who has to endure the pain and misery?
"She's you, my child."
She slammed the door shut that night, earlier than usual.

In fury, she pushed the photos of her loved ones, her CD collection, everything she holds dear to her heart that she had arranged on her table meticulously, but now not anymore, to the floor.

Crash! Snap! Shatter! Those items had to set up their new homes on the ground, not being able to seek refuge beforehand.




Even if them pain slowly dies down, the birth of the scarred remains in this world, resembling the circle of life.


The mistress throws herself to her bed, her escapade from the suffering she has to go through.

Her bed welcomes her with open arms, inviting her once more to the Land of Make-Believe.

Before she gratefully accepts..

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

"Say cheese dearie."
Who knows?
This might be your last picture.
200th post - so I won't particularly rant in this entry, don't want to waste my blog's 200th ranting issues that..aren't worth to be mentioned again for the time being.

Yesh, I'll be open about one thing. A decision that had been made, which now depends on the consequences of this battle, or should I say - fight, as it had been fondly called.

Definitely, this decision would be..


That is, if the worst does happens, yes, that is exactly what I'm going to do.

Go ahead readers, spread the word if you want to.

It's not like it's confirmed anyway.

As much as how much joining Interact had changed me to who I am now, and making and meeting a whole lot of new friends, but really, if this goes on, it would be harder for my school's Interact Club to regain its former glory. That, I definitely wouldn't want to happen.

I hadn't discuss this with any of the Interactors yet, but I'm sure for the sake of upholding that reputation our club has, they'll respect my decision.

Though I do think the result of this decision being official or not would only be revealed during the next Interact meeting that's most probably going to be conducted after the holidays.

Oh well..we'll see.

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

"Loving you, loving me."

That date, reminds me without fail what a trying day I had on that very same day.

It tested me on many issues.

Issues that make up what kind of individual I would be, and could be in the future.

For example, I got so pissed with Fairuz, I screamed at her in front on Munnie and Min Wen without a care, considering that I'm one who is supposedly the calm and concise one.

I'm not ashamed to admit, I stormed to the toilet near the canteen next to the hall, not caring whether the doors of the cubicles could be locked or not, and cried my eyes out there.

Anger got to me, yes that is very true indeed.

In any case, a big thank you to Munnie for being so concerned for me. (:

I just had a bad day then.

Not many people are aware of it though.

Speaking of which, it was then I realized who were the true friends that would be there for me when I'm at my worst.

I shall definitely honour them here, for they deserve it so.

Guppy, my tuition buddy for Biology, Chemistry and Add Math, she consoled me in her own way, and she listens to me when I needed someone to hear me out about the politics in our class and also my problems. She won't ever backstab me, and it's definitely comforting to have that bit of information deeply etched in my head. Thank you crazy friend that never fails to make me laugh out loud at your actions. Especially what recently happened in Chemistry and Biology tuition. Read her blog for the full story xD Oh yeah, and thanks loads for your correction tape and that last piece of graph paper. Saved my life indeed. God bless you.

Jia Ying, who calls me granny. I realized that she is always telling me to chill, as she said that I'm overstressed, overworked, overexhausted. She's super nice, as if nobody knows that. But yeah, she was that kind to lend me her books so that I can catch up with my studies, and offered me tissues when I cried my eyes out once more, even though she had the flu and badly needed the tissues for herself, that I can totally understand. Thank you so muchies (=

My dear scandal partner. That darling who called me Tiger-chan. The same girl who drew that awesome message on the plastic bag that has my meds in it. Anna-chan who had constantly been there for me. Even though I was safely hidden from the eyes of my other classmates (or so I thought), Anna-chan came over not long after and wiped my tears away with her hands. And patted my head at the same time. No, you did not mess up my hair, no worries x]

What can beat all of that, is that she sneaked out of the classroom through the back door all of a sudden. Even I myself did not realized it till Guppy and Jia Ying told me so. She is definitely in the making of a great Ninja, other than Azri who uses her skills against me violently. xP Minutes later, Anna dear came back. And with her she brought..

..a few stalks of flowers all the way from downstairs.

Yes, how sweet of her.

My heart practically melted when I finally registered into my brain what was going on.

Just to cheer me up, she risked getting caught by Puan Azalina for walking around without a class pass, she risked getting caught by any other teacher who could had reprimanded her for damaging school property, she risked it all.

All for me.

"Domo arigatou ne, Anna-chan."

I really appreciate all that you had done for me, and always know that you are AWESOME in your own way. Do. Not. Ever. Change. ;)

Next up, we have the Wicked Wizard of the West, Azri. She saw me feeling down as well, and constantly told me the same thing over and over to return that bit of cheer to me.


Which I'm then forced to do so and with that, endorphins are naturally released in me, which did make me feel a whole lot better. Thank you, Azri the meanie. Who can be nice when she wants to. :P

Then there's Anith and Liyana whom I hardly talk to. Boy, do I feel that bit of guilt in me. And by just talking some stuff over with them, I realized that actually, we do have a lot in common, especially Anith. Liyana was practically welcoming me as a new family member at their table. I felt really accepted then, even if it did hurt knowing that I had lost a few friends, whom I thought were friends but actually, are slowly but surely bringing me down with their actions. So thanks Anith and Liyana, even if it really looked like I had ignored you guys in class, and even was impatient most of the time with y'all, you guys are still treating me so nicely. Thanks, really.

Jaafar who was trying to make me tell her what's wrong, didn't managed to do so, since I didn't want to tell her as the person involved was sitting right next to me then. But that person knows very well it's her when I said quite loudly that I didn't want to talk about it as it was a long story.

Oh yeah, guess what?

That same person, she saw me cried.

She didn't apologize though.

What a shame.

I finally saw her true colours.

Man, too bad her colours aren't in harmony at all.

But thanks Jaafar, for being concerned. And at least being more of a friend by sensing that something is way wrong with me then. :)

Of course, these are the ones who made my day.

But, I have more true friends that these, those little actions make up a long way in my life.

Those whom I truly regard as friends in school, most of them are scattered in different classes. Though they seem far, but knowing that they are there for me? That makes me feel a whole lot better.

They are the ones who will keep me going in this dreadful political scene, till I graduate from high school.

They know who they are, and a big thank you from me to them for just..being my friends. :')

And then there are my tuition mates, my beloved RYLA-rians, the Rehab Gang, Terri and Dee who have so much in common with me, and those that had inspired me, believed in me, and really do regard me as their friend..my sincerest thanks as well for making the me of today. :]

And of course, Miss Natalie Chin.

One darn cheerful girl and super easy to talk to. I had just recovered from crying twice in that same day, and even though I didn't tell her anything, just talking to her felt great. She even made me smiled within seconds. :) She's a dear, really. Thanks fellow Green lover :D

Music class that day, was alright.

After a day full of problems and yesh, we can't miss out the word drama, music class was a nice change from the stressing environment in class.

It's those little things in life that brings the smile back on my face.

And the people that are responsible for them?

From the bottom of my heart, from this unimportant being..

3 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Simplicity is beauty at its purest.
I stayed at home again yesterday, since my fever decided to haunt me for a little while more. Bet it's having fun, as it apparently seems I'm such an easy target to be attacked by these viruses that make me fall sick every month since the beginning of the year.

And no, I'm not joking.

Neither am I exaggerating.

Unfortunately, it seems that my words - whether verbally or through written words in black and white as stated in my blog, had been highly misinterpreted indeed.

How unfortunate it is that these people seem to think that I am typing and saying all of this to attract the attention of others, to have people to feel sorry for me, to get the pity of others that are actually lending their ears or eyes in the case of my blog, for me.

It is also just as unfortunate, that these very people that seem to think so, are actually the people whom I used to call friends.

Friends.
I'm starting to understand that this very word is a highly subjective term.

Certain people that I had used to trust, used my own words against me.

Because of that, it is definitely quite upsetting.

Disappointing.

Certain people that I had shared my tears and smiles with, made me cry even more and turned that smile the other way round.

Certain people that I had helped but I don't expect anything in return, just for a sincere helping hand when I do really need it, decided to help someone else and broke their promises instead, especially a certain someone.

Certain people that had bitched and dissed about this certain somebody to me, is now oh so nice to the said certain somebody and even pledged to be the greatest friend that will always be by certain somebody's side.

Certain people befriended me, all because they had thought that they could gain fame, popularity, a name for themselves in the pursuit of paving the path of success for them only.

When these certain people had gotten what they had wanted from just befriending me, or they realized they couldn't get anything out of me at all, they decided to just throw me into the reject pile or even better yet, take advantage of my niceness and leniency while kicking me around like a football, or stepping on my head as if I was a Nobody.

I don't want to name anybody here, as it had all been revealed in my Wordpress account, a site I had recently decided to sign up for after thinking that password-required posts are now absoulutely necessary in my life as a student in an all girls' school and my sarcasm and bluntness as a blogger is not appreciated at all, even if I do have the rights to rant about my honest thoughts in my blog.

"Is this what I deserve from just trying to be a friend?"

"Is this how I'm suppose to behave, cuss about others and lie my way to get what I want?"

"Am I doing the right thing, shunning myself away from them and still letting them diss about me behind my back?"

"Am I going to survive without them, who are loved by many thus it is easier for them to get what they want?"

"Can I achieve something on my own, without depending on the aforementioned certain people now?"

"Can I stand on my own too feet, to not be too soft-hearted and to maintain my sanity with this evil thing called reality encircling my world?"
Well, only time will tell now.

I had made a decision.

It had started on Monday.

It had officially started today.

Hopefully, I would stick to this decision that I had made a long time ago, but had failed time and time again for being too nice, it seems.

And hopefully, I would never regret this. (:

PS : To the very same certain people and the certain somebody, like I had said before, I had never used names in my entries unless completely necessary. If you think you are among the people that I had mentioned, it's your guilt that is making you think so by the way.

And what's more, your behaviour(s) towards me in school clearly shows that you guys did placed yourselves as the certain people or/and certain somebody I'm talking about. Guilt's getting to you huh.

My question is, "Why torture yourselves with that same guilt?

Why did y'all did all of that in the first place? Jealousy? Envy? Revenge? Anger? Fury? Dissatisfaction?"

Only you would know for yourselves, my dears.

Ah, this is the life.

Imbeciles.

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

• Leonie just went to see the third doctor within a week.
  
• Leonie is certified to have weak lungs by three doctors.
• Leonie is typing this out not for the sake of self-pity or trying to attract attention to herself.
• In fact, Leonie just wants people to be aware that she is not a Superwoman of any kind, and she is not telling any lies about this.
• Leonie is very disappointed how much of a hypocrite those two are actually are.
• Bet backstabbing had also been another trump card in this game we're in already.
• If this is what they really think of all the time, bring it on.
• 'Cos Leonie is sick of fakers when all she wants are true friends that can be there for her, and her for them.
• Therefore, Leonie concludes.
• Thank gawd for true friends that still do exist in this horrid, selfish and cruel world.
• Too bad, they're all so far from her side at most times.
  

2 comment(s):

Post a Comment

All you need are the right amount of paints;
to bring some colour into those monochrome thoughts.
Thanks for the support and concern y'all.

To the one who gave me sound advice - Lynnie-jie.

To the one who just directly shoots me with the facts of life - kor.

To my dear RYLA-rians that will always be great friends - Christina, Karyn, Agilan.

To my darling Anna-chan the ballerina and Ozri the Wicked Wizard of the West - you both never fail to cheer me up in class and be there for me whenever I look depressed or upset or lonely (:

To my fellow 4SC1 peeps and friends who were actually there for me throughout it all - Jia Ying and Guppy.

To my husband who is always so concerned for my mental and physical health - Stepho.

To those simple actions in making my day a whole lot better - Syadza for that hug, Arbayah and Eka for their smiles, Tasha for her pink balloon, Jaafar for her randomness, and Amoi..for just being Amoi.

To you that allowed me to rant so much to you almost every time I see you and keeping me on my feet - Naomi.

To the you who are always there for me, you know how much I appreciate you so.

To Fio, for being nice when I see you personally out there and being not so nice and nice online. For just being Fio larh. Just wanted to mention you here. See how nice I am? Kidding. Haha.

To Ah Yuan and Yun Han aka Mao Mao, for constantly making sure I'm alright during Bio tuition earlier when I was coughing so bad then.

To Char Ming, my two day old friend, the tuition mate that I had never really befriended before and just made firm friends with since the Spelling Bee Competition, for those mints when you saw me coughing my lungs out in tuition as well. Life saver indeed. Thanks so darn much for being such a concerned friend as well.

To Cai Ling aka my dearie darling Lesbo Sex Partner, for screaming out my name not caring at all what the tons of people that may think of you being a tad too loud by the corridors, just to let me know that you saw me and let me hug you after so long. I needed that hug so much, and I just love you so for being you ♥

To everybody else who are helping me rebuild my life..

..thanks, thanks and thanks.

4 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Three out of five schooling days in this week alone - I had been absent.

Three days in a row - it had been a strict diet of biscuits, bread, porridge, and soup only.

Four days of not being in class - losing touch with those I consider dear to me.

Joining debate - is my biggest mistake this year.

Editorial board - the original element of fun had been taken away, thanks to her.

School obligations - getting those certs while making myself mentally disturbed, hurrah.

Procrastination - had taken over Najwa's place as my best friend.

Things would never be the same anymore.

Those that I truly call friends? So far from me, yet so near.

Those that I thought were friends? It's time for me to stand up for myself and stop them from stepping on my head over and over.

Should I stop being nice to everyone, and start being mean?

Or should I consider cutting all ties to those I truly care for, as I don't want them to get worried for me needlessly?

Alienating myself from this world..would it help me?

Rebuild my self-esteem?

Regain my confidence?

Enlightened on more theories of the cruel yet true realities of the world?

Suddenly..I don't know anymore.

Is it worth plastering that fake smile even though I'm honestly heartbroken inside?

Is it right hiding my sadness away and making myself more miserable, or opening it up and realizing that nobody is listening to me in the first place?

Is it wrong to keep everything to myself, bottling up my feelings?

Or it is even worse hurting those who do love me for me - knowing that I'm actually so unhappy?

Is is worth trying to bring happiness to those I cared for, only to end up not being remembered at all in the end?

Is it worth sacrificing what I am, for the sake of others who can't even see me for me?

More undeniable truths, that I still try to run away from.

I can't please everyone.

I can't expect everyone to be at my side whenever I please.

I can't be someone that everybody likes naturally.

I can't fit in, whatever the circumstances.

I can't be truly happy, thinking that trying to be closer to them friends would make me lose them all, while not making an effort? They wouldn't even come in the first place.

I can't expect life to go as I always want to.

I can't expect everyone to bear with my antics.

I can't expect me to be perfect.

I can't be perfect.

I never was.

I'd always tried to.

Failing miserably?

A big yes.

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry.

I suck.

And I know it.

Huge self-esteem issues?

I got them alright.

What is right, and what is wrong?

What should be done, and what should be gone?

What should be remembered, and what should be forgotten?

What should be me?

What is me?

I just..

..I don't even know who I really am now.

Should people be making me, or should I be the one knowing who's me?

Fill in the blanks, there's no right or wrong answer.

This is just from a girl who's very much lost and would want to know some honest truths from others.

Basically, all she can think of is only one thing.

2 comment(s):

Post a Comment

A reflection of me,
she won't show what's within.
but am I doing justice at all,
to the her that stares right back at me?
Hello hello dear readers.

That's to the fact if I even do have any at this point, since it's been long since I'd updated.

Oh well, can't blame them.

But in any case, I do have this sudden urge to blog, since it had been one hectic week.

Like..sleeping at 5.00am in the morning and waking up at 6.30am on my school's IU Day? For the sake of finishing my Powerpoint presentation, my so-called speech, a couple of other scripts and the ticket registration list. So yesh, I do secretly hope deep inside that my presentation was appreciated at least, on that day, even if it's not up to standard.

But hey, I did it with much sincerity okay, what more sacrificing my beauty sleep for the entertainment of those who did come for IU, so I do expect a little bit of credit there aye.

Because I was honestly devastated when I received this particular comment right after my presentation that it was too short. You know who you are. I'm really sorry, but please, I was already so exhausted, and you expected it to be longer? Who would want to listen to me anyway?

Maybe it's my fault because it's really done on a last minute basis, but as if I had so much free time in my hands.

Sigh.

And yesh, I was so exhausted by the time I finished the Powerpoint, that I just gave up on my speech, and made some stuff up approximately..five minutes before my turn to speak during the event itself? Just ah-mazing isn't it. Pardon my crap then.

Knowing that I sucked in the Mexican Hat Dance didn't help at all. Thank gawd to the human that invented shorts. Bless you.

Enough about IU, I'm just glad it's over.

But no, there has to be more drama after something that major is over.

This is to all those who wanted to know the full story on why Leonie has been absent from school on Monday and Tuesday.

Right after four hours of tuition on Sunday, I fell sick.

It wasn't even just the normal flu virus or anything, but hell yeah, damn sick was I that day.

High fever that almost hit 40°C? Feeling darn cold in Malaysia's super humid and scorching weather?

Abnormal, that's for sure.

Had a Panadol and slept for awhile, and frankly, I felt better after that, thinking that it wasn't anything serious.

And yet again, I was proven wrong.

The high fever came back after dinner, and the drama starts again.

Tried to see a doctor immediately, but apparently there was 6 or 7 people already at the clinic, waiting to be treated.

So fine, since I'm already so feverish and zombified, I just waited and waited.

About twenty minutes later, all I can remember in that current state of mine, was people rushing in and out of the clinic, asking for their turn.

My mum, who was with me then, told me to ask the receptionist when would my turn come.

I did just that.

The response?

"Lima belas orang lagi."
You gotta be kidding me.

Needless to say, my dad rushed over to bring me to another nearby clinic.

And tell you what, this doctor is very inexperienced, according to my many encounters with my family doctor, thanks to me falling sick just too often this year.

But I didn't complain then, nor realized anything, since I was too sick to care.

The only sentences that I heard clearly then?

"If your fever still does not go down in the next two days, since this does not look like the common fever, come back on Tuesday morning to take a blood test. You're suspected of having dengue fever."
Oh hot damn.

No pun intended.

I still had no major reaction to that.

I didn't feel a thing.

I had no idea it was anything serious, since nothing was going into my already burning head.

Not even after I messaged Veena, telling her I can't go to school the next day.

Not even I texted Cai Ling dear, asking for a favour to do a little something for me.

I only told Veena and Cai Ling anyway, thinking that it wasn't anything serious still, and didn't want anybody else to get worried over something that might not be true.

Thinking it's merely an exaggeration.

It was till Cai Ling called me back, and asked me this one question right after I answered her call..

"Leonie!! Are you okay??!"
..I started crying.

And I just couldn't stop, 'cos Cai Ling just sounded so worried for me, and was trying to make sure I was fine.

And no, I don't want any of you telling her that I cried when she called me on Sunday, because she doesn't read my blog, at least not yet, and I don't think it's necessary for her to get upset because of this, you get me?

But it was nice to know that someone cares then.

I freaking swear upon this insignificant life of mine, that I really felt like I was dying then.

Literally.

No exaggeration, nothing.

Thank goodness, after taking the meds, the fever did go down.

I'm one blessed human.

Though I did made another visit to my family doctor yesterday, and I didn't have to take any darn blood test.

Woot.

And just what I DID NOT want to hear, was heard.

"I'm going to be very serious with you now, young lady. You are suffering from a severe case of over-exhaustion, and from your history of past illnesses, I noticed that your lungs are very weak, due to that severe cough you had two years back. I want you to have a lot of rest, and if possible, drop all of your school activities. Take a break. Or your parents will get very worried over your health. Your immune system is too weak for a young lady like you. You got that, young lady?"
Trust me, my family doctor hasn't been THIS strict with me before.

And I got scared, honestly.

Not one single word up there by my family doctor had been altered in any way.

Well, good job for him, he did his job of drilling every single word above into my head.

So yeah, I'm just trying to clarify things with everyone here.

I never dare to make a martyr of myself about anything concerning my health.

I don't do self-pity to attract attention.

I mean every single word I'm typing here, and I just don't want people to think that I'm such a brat anymore.

It really sucks when the many people I trusted, or thought I trusted, won't believe that I'm really sick.

I don't want to make such a big deal of it either, so please, unless anything major happens to me, can all of you please don't belittle my emotions and thoughts?

I treat all of you as the most important beings in my life. You guys matter to me so freaking damn much.

My question is..

..have you all ever treated me the same way?

*****Went up to KL on Monday morning, to drop my bro there.

Thinking that I wouldn't miss him, since he's apparently coming back for a two month holiday in about..seven weeks?

Just then, right after we reached the toll, my mum just had to pop the most dreaded question at that time.

"Miss your kor right?"

"Ah-mazingly, YESH."

"Feels different sitting in the car alone now, isn't it?"
And I don't think my bro reads my blog very often, but yesh.

Being the emotional drama mama I am, I cried.

Of course my parents have no idea I did.

I just silently let the tears go, realizing that for the next three years..

..there's no annoying poke to await me when I'm home.

..there's no one with a similar mind to rant to about my school problems, after my mum goes through that bit of torture as well.

..there's no one to go high and absolutely nonsensical with.

..there's no one I can whine at to help me with my homework.

..there's no one who'll make silly jokes just to try to cheer me up every time I looked grouchy, grumpy and moody, which is like, everyday now.

..there's just no more kor at home to depend on.

Boy, am I tearing up again.

Every human with a heart would have their emotional moments.

So, don't sue me for being dramatic or for crying too often these days.

I'm human too.

I just miss him. Really.

*****Life does sucks at some point.

2 comment(s):

Post a Comment