"Hey my friend,
you make me laugh,
you share my joy,
you let me cry,
you hear it all.
You sing with me,
you play with me,
since baby steps,
to crinkly skin."
Hey my friend,
let's stay friends,
do, won't you,
please?"
-Friends, ©MakesMeLaugh.-
I appreciate all of the friends that I had been blessed with in this lifetime.

Those from my kinder days.

Those from SKST memories.

Those from SIGS moments.

Those from tuition.

Those from RYLA '08.

Those with similar interests.

Those who hail from other countries.

Those who are the friends of friends.

Those who love me for me.

Those who had shared them thrilling moments in life.

Those who had been there for me through times of need.

Those who regard me as a friend, and so do I to them.

Those, those, and those.

They had changed my life.

Whether in good or bad, hey, that's me now.

Therefore to them friends, thank you. (:

To my dear Khai, cheer up okay? Flippy and I had been through it before, and we will help you with it all the same. Smile for us please! *hugs*

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Thanks to Anna-chan who reminded me of another particular wisecrack of Sarania aka Miss Serati.

Cik Julie : ni bahagian ape?*points to upper part of the leg aka peha*
4sc1 : bicep!!
Cik Julie : Bukan bicep la! Bicep dkt tgn!! ni HAMSTRING!
4sc1 : oooo..
Cik Julie : ni ape nama die? *points to lower part of the leg aka betis*
4sc1 : aaaa~...
Saran : G-STRING.

XD

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To the renowned King of Pop - Mr Michael Joseph Jackson.
We grew up with your songs.
From you teaching us about the values to Heal The World,
because the fact that us humans,
together as one,
no matter whether we're Black or White,
"We Are The World."
There is a Bad side to each and every one of us,
which is what makes a part of our lives a Thriller.
For the Man in The Mirror,
we should be the ones making that change.
If we want a change.

From your moonwalking to your shiny sequinned gloves,
you will be deeply missed.
A legacy you were.
And always will be.
Despite the unwanted attention from the media,
and all those accusations,
you were and still are respected by your fans.
You left the world all of a sudden,
right before your major comeback,
to your life,
This Is It.
Your fans,
never judging you for your looks and personality,
for they will be singing to your song,
dedicating to you who had been a part of their lives,
"I Just Can't Stop Loving You."

Mr Michael Joseph Jackson.
1958 - 2009.
Rest In Peace.

Miss Farrah Fawcett.
Notably remembered for that poster of yours,
with that charming smile and wavy locks.
Guys from many generations fell head over heels in love with you.
From your role in Charlie's Angels then,
to your battle against cancer.
A strong woman,
you were called.
And always will be.
In the eyes of your fans.
And those who truly loved you for you.

Miss Farrah Fawcett.
1947 - 2009.
Rest In Peace.

*****Two people who had made an impact to this world of ours had passed on.

I still remember those times when kor and I were playing Michael Jackson's Moonwalker back in those days.

And suddenly, while sorting out the newspapers for the day, Pn Habibah wanted her paper from me earlier, all because she heard from the other teachers this.


I merely thought it was some ridiculous joke some teacher was pulling.

Obviously, it isn't now.

All day long, and till now, there are music tributes of Michael Jackson all over MTV, radio stations alike.

Documentaries too.

Headlines for many newspapers.

His story was published and magnified.

And I just find it a shame that Miss Farrah Fawcett didn't get the same attention as Mr Michael here.

She made just as much a contribution to the entertainment and showbiz industry.

Though I didn't really know her at all till her demise..but still, hey, she deserves more credit than what she has now.

God bless them both. May their souls rest in peace.

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Back to appreciating and appreciated mode here. ;)

Okay, so presenting the next batch of people who made me feel a whole lot more useful than useless. :]

My fellow feline lover, Guppy aka Flippy! We love all cats! Maybe with the exception of those that resides in the canteen. Food stealers! Hmmph.





You know, somehow I find it quite amazing that I’m not the only one who thought of that before. All of you that outright confessed on your respective blogs that you all had considered self-harm, and overcoming it, just to knock some sense into my head that it ain’t worth anything, really woke me up from this whole enchilada. For once, I’m not ashamed to chicken out from this. So, chickens united! Hahah.

Come on, at least you’re bothered to do something about my very pathetic self then, knowing that you could only go online during weekends. At least you cared, so be proud of yourself! I’m real thankful for that too.

Especially with the fact that you’re never ashamed to be you, since entering secondary school.

I admire the fact, despite your craziness, hyperactive self, with the occasional lame joke here and there added with certain vulgarities and yellow matters that only you and I can actually talk about, you never cared about what people think about you. Despite the fact that people were bitching about you and trying to bring you down in so many different ways, you didn’t care how people judged you, and that’s only one part of your awesome personality.

You make friends darn easily, as shown with Khai, the both of you practically bonded during your first Biology tuition with Mr Kung! And are now the awesomest and craziest of friends, not forgetting the fact that you both composed the song Zombieman for that dude from our Chemistry class. Gosh, I still feel bad for him, but all the same, you guys rock.

Another example would be with Cat Phuah, during the Spelling Bee Competition at Sunway College. Zurina and I got to sit together, and boy did I felt relieved I didn’t have to step out from my comfort zone, but you had to sit at the row behind us with another contestant from another school. And I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation with Cat, and I was very surprised that the both of you were talking so animatedly within seconds of knowing each other! I was kind of scared to turn around and say hi, sure I was shy at that moment, afraid that I would most probably say something that would most probably embarrass me, but I picked up enough courage to do so, and that was something I never regretted. Now, both of us have a great new friend called Cat, and her friends were pretty awesome people too. Too bad she moved to Kedah before we had a chance to hang out! There will be a chance, I’m sure.

You are an awesome friend Guppy, know that.

And it’s my loss I didn’t get to know you better before, although we were from the same primary school. Geesh.

But you’re right.
Ohana means family. And family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.
© Lilo from Lilo and Stitch the Movie.
Crap, you have no idea how much you and our family made me have that sense of belonging and comfort with you guys.

I never felt like that before, honestly, not even with my previous batch of friends.

I couldn’t feel comfortable with my own identity, because I was too busy changing myself to be like them. To fit in, to belong.

I was constantly fighting with my own principles of being myself, or changing to get them friends.

But with you guys, I can forget about that thought and just be myself.

Yes, it’s time to abstain from perfection a lil’ bit.

Or just fast from perfection for the time being.

Please, your entry made me laugh like some crazy hyena.

Your entry, was totally you.

And I have no idea why your name was in chocolate. There was a reason..but I forgot.

Eheh. But I think I would want it to stay that way on my blog, unless you request for a change in colour.

LOL-ness about the cannibalism thing. xD

Wawasan Cuckoo Head. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Applying BM into your entry, goodness gracious me!

I think that’s what I can expect from Miss Flippy with her what the flamingo or what the Flippy, when her mum is well-versed in BM. xD

PS : Your rumusan way exceeded the word limit! :P

Next, my shopaholic partner and my totally huggable hubby - Stepho dear. [:

The rare times she does blogs in English, for me! I'm honoured. Heh.

My Chinese is like crap. I swear, even kor can speak Chinese better than me now. Hmmph. Though it's an undeniable fact when it comes to smses, my han yu pin yin is the best in the family okay. Lol.

I digress.

She calls me sweet?

Come on, every time I find myself coming back to school after staying at home for some time being sick and all, whenever I see her first thing in the morning, it'll be that smile of hers and a bear hug that always never fail to make me feel all the better. (:

And I have to admit, it is The Drama that made me like this. Other than the fact that I'm also someone who easily succumbs to the flu virus.

Though we are in different classes, but yes, she is an awesome friend. Awesome indeed.

The fact that she just became one of us SIGS-ians at the beginning of the year, and facing all sorts of drama of her own too, she is considered strong in this school of ours.

In a society full of girly and catty bitchtalk, bitchfights, rumours, dissing, bitching, backstabbing, she still is standing strong, surviving all of that.

Honestly though, she may seem rebellious, but she is not the kind to put glue on people's tables and chairs to spite them.

She's not a spiteful person at all alright.

I'm quite disappointed that there are actually people who can actually outright accuse her of all these crimes, and make her the bad guy.

But I'm proud of her, for standing strong and being true to her conscience.

It had been tough for her, and still is, but she has us friends who will back her up.

I don't have the rights to accuse and point out who's right or wrong, but Stepho is a loyal friend, and as her friend, I believe she is not the culprit whatsoever, so I think those who are trying to bring her down, just give up. She won't be affected, 'cos unlike you, or maybe a lot of you guys, she has us to be there for her. So there. Mind your own life, and we will too.

Really, some people nowadays.

Just find their lives too boring, so they just want to stir up some drama of their own and make their pathetic boring lives interesting.

Note that this isn't to accuse anyone in particular of their crimes.

But if I do find myself involved and pulled into this new drama one day, them who do feel the guilt would be the ones doing that to me.

And I would then know who are those pitiful people who needs to get a life.

Pfffft.

Stepho is one girl whom I can go window-shopping with, talk about girly stuff with, discuss about friendship issues with, and is a very nice companion to just share what's going on in my life.

So Stepho dear, stay strong! You are awesome the way you are! That's why..

=]
PS : The picture of you with the heart pose was totally coincidental when I print-screened your blog. What can I say..it's fate! ;) I love you too! ♥

Now, this is someone whom I recently known for not too long.


The very sweet, caring Jen from Penang.

Apparently I left my blog link in one of my Plurks some time ago.

And she found me and was really nice about the whole drama I was going through.

Basically, she's right. Everything summed up into those few words.

Less brooding. More naps.
© Jen.
So right. Thank you Jen, for caring. (:

And yes, I do have the sweetest friends! One of them being you! ;)

At the same time, I would like to say thanks to Lynnie-jie, for her thoughtful gift. Come back to JB soon! Rozi wants her T-shirt. :P

Thanks to Natch dear, who's my personal Little Miss Sunshine. Or maybe Miss All-Smiles! (: She always reminds me to smile! Aha, I miss this dearie so much. When can we have music class again? I miss her and her hugs! ♥

Also to Ash, who I can't wait for her to get back from Perlis! We. Need. To. Talk. Pronto!

Thanks to my crazy classmates, for making my days in school much more bearable.

Oh yes, thanks to them schoolmates, for not minding me and letting me feel welcomed.

To Naomi, my fellow third speaker whom I can really talk to about school and all, she was the first person, in fact, next to Stepho who was right there with us, that I confided in about the whole best friend problem to. I didn't get to say much then, but it was then I found out why I was feeling so down and depressed with all that unstable emotions in me. She's going through similar problems as well, and I can only wish her all the best, and if she needs a ear to listen out to her rants, she knows I'm available, like how she had been advising me and being someone I can talk about my problems to all this while. :D

Another long entry full of appreciating.

Seriously, I think it is while I'm blogging about appreciation, it is as if it's the first time I'm really pouring out what I am really thinking all this time.

Ah..life. =)

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Day three.

I think I had it easy, really.

I didn't have anything major to face in day one, I was banned from school. I didn't have to be reminded of anything concerning school, at all.

Stayed at home for day two to make sure the flu symptoms are completely gone. Or at least not as serious as before. Had a lot of support too, from them darlings. (:

Today?

My last day to brood and ponder about THAT, like how I had been advised to.

Well, my main problem wasn't there.

And I learnt to have fun with those who did care for me.

It's been long since 4 SC 1 had a PE lesson. Seriously.

The other subjects weren't so bad.

And the testimony in CF today, was actually really inspiring, and humorous at the same time.

Jaafar really was torturing my poor brain with her newly learnt IQ riddles she mastered while she was away for her hockey nationals.

Gosh, must figure it out!

Yeah, I managed to sneak out with the awesomeness for charkuey bakar and ais kacang today!

More about that soon. (:

Biology tuition earlier ain't so bad either.

Ah Yuan and I were insanely high from the tiredness from walking half the journey to WISMA today. Phew.

Can't stay long, I have school tomorrow.

So, I'm ending this with the highlight of the day in school.

Cik Julie : Ok kelas, sekarang kita buat cooling down ok. Kena buat di tempat yang redup sikit.
*most of the class followed to the shadier area of the field*
Cik Julie : Oi, tengah buat apa tu?!
Leonie : *looks over at where Cik Julie is looking, and laughs like some mad child after*
Gurpreet and Azri : *rolling on the field towards where the rest of the class were standing*
Gurpreet : Cikgu suruh guling, kita guling la!
Anna : *runs up to Azri and Guppy, and joins them in the rolling game!*

Oh gawd. Best case scenario. Ever.

Therefore, we learnt that cooling = guling.

Thanks to these awesomeness.
MY Awesomeness. ;)
More tomorrow! =)

PS : My gracious thanks to Jen, Lynnie-jie, Natch, Guppy and Sean. I'm not even done with my thanks yet. You'll see x]

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I'M SO TERRIBLY SORRY I WAS ABSENT BECAUSE OF ME I MOST PROBABLY GOT YOU GUYS INTO TROUBLE BY NOT BEING ABLE TO DO YOUR ORAL ASSESSMENT PLEASE DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME I'M REALLY SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!

:'(

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Self-healing is going on not too bad so far.

I managed to NOT brood about the matter too much and did not even shed a single tear.

Till I saw these waiting for me.


Yes, the least I can do is to share the happiness and express my appreciation for these individuals here throughout my healing process.

Let's start off with my fellow feline - Anna-chan.

Her comment can be summed up into these three words - short, simple, sweet.

"Leonie! read my blog!"
©Anna Sabrina.
To put it honestly, I was afraid to see what was coming up for me in her blog, but somehow I managed to click on her link.

And what I read just made me bawl like a baby.



To my dear Anna-chan.

I'm glad you, Azri and Guppy were with me all the while during Chemistry that Tuesday.

I didn't want to tell you or Azri because I don't want to burden you both with my thoughts, which are most probably due to oversensitivity and thinking too much into certain matters. It's not worth letting y'all worry about me, when all of you are being the happy, crazy, fun people you guys always are. To me, it will be too evil and cruel of me to spoil that for the both of you. Especially you, Tiger-chan.

There was once when I asked you, "If there was somebody bitching about me to you, who would you rather believe? The statements that that person had said to you, or from how you knew me all this while?" I could see that it was a really hard question for you to answer, and I felt guilty for even thinking of asking you the very same question. Hence, I made up my mind, no more telling Anna-chan about negativity, because I felt that I was hurting you more when you are such an optimistic Tiger-chan. I'm sorry for asking you that question, Anna dear. Truly am sorry.

And I could see you were really worried about me getting involved with self-injury, just like Azri here. Don't you worry, it was just a passing thought, I would be terribly stupid and selfish to commit to self-harm. In fact, I have to say I'm too much of a coward to cause those scars and pain to myself.

You're absolutely right. I should be grateful for who I am, what I am, and how I am at this very moment. I had been blessed with this current physique, so I should be thankful for that instead of being so negative about it.

You know, I had once thought that people who actually do self-harm are really people who just are not thinking straight and they should just stop hurting themselves for all the wrong reasons when they are worth so much more than that. They deserve some other form of happiness instead of releasing emotional stress through pain and self-mutilation.

Through the incident on Tuesday, I can finally understand what really goes on in their minds.

Maybe the Almighty above wanted me to understand the thoughts of how these innocent hurt victims really think, and how they really feel about what's going on in life.

They feel hopeless, alone, hurt, lost.

It's a horrible feeling, and having experiencing that rush of emotions, I learnt so much.

The people who are always looking out for me, I know they do exist now.

I needed to be reassured, but now I know better.

And because you were worried about me committing self-harm, you confessed right there, on your blog, bravely, for all to see, that you were once tempted to do it too. And you, speaking out from your point of view, your experiences and thoughts on the whole issue, really made me teared up on the spot. I mean, it was as though someone understood what I was going through, finally.

There could be tons of other people out there who are tempted to injure themselves, or had been addicted to it, and I think with people like you, who had been through the same circumstances, are the ones who would be role models and emotional supporters to these people.

And one of them, being yours truly.

I'm sincerely grateful for that.

Again, you're right. I should try to relax a lil', from now on. It will be hard, since I think I can certify myself as a workaholic, but I know very well that you, Azri, Jia Ying mummy, and Guppy will help me with that. (:

What you said made a hell lot of sense. It's amazing, how your entry made me cry, laugh, smile and learn all at the same time.

I love you so much dearie, and don't you worry, I'll be working on my so-called defensive skills to defend myself against future ninja attacks from you and Azri ;) *hugs*

PS : Take a picture of your birds with their orange lipstick one day! It'll be a nice laugh for the all of us. :D

Next, the one and only wizard - Azri, or as we fondly know her, Ozri.

In text, her comment is as stated below, complete and unabridged.

Leonie ; ))
first of all;
get well soon oke?
we're all expecting your presence in school. regardless how 'sore eyes/sleepy' you look.
regardless,
you still have one that's called Gurpreet the FreePark, JiaYing the Mommy, Anna the Lumut and me. (although I'm a little bit useless)
chill timun okay?
the wounds, it may take some time to heal. not some time, but a very long time.
but if you don't want to face it anymore, you have to endure it all the way to getting over it.
you can count on us. We will guide you and company you through it all.
although we may not be your bestfriend, but we still want to be with you.
chill oke?
and most importantly,
SMILE,
although you feel like tearing up inside.
I can understand the pain. so try it, if you cry, try to shape a smile. It'll make you think that you're silly. but it heals. because laughter is healing.
don't do things such as self-injury. seriously, it's highly addictive. and do not ever ever do that. I have friends who do that, and they said it's hard to stop. they can't stop even if they want. they're depressed. and feel unloved, just like you.
but you have to be different from them.

regards,
your wizard of Ozri.
agaga.

To my mean wizard, Ozri.

You, never fail to make me more welcomed, together with Anna in class.

If there's something I realized but hadn't confided in this blog, let me do it now.

Every time when you both see me doing my work alone at my seat in class, the both of you will come over and keep me company.

That never failed to make me have a sense of belonging in school.

Yes, you both can make such a huge impact in my schooling days.

Even if it means getting ambushed from the back by you with a plastic bag and nearly getting strangled to death, but hey, no doubt about it, I felt like I was accepted into this strangling game, weird as it sounds.

As in, you guys want me to share in the fun.

I'm really touched by that, all the time.

And please, you, a little bit useless?

You are nowhere near useless.

If I had to knock that into your head, but getting bruised and sore muscles while I'm at it because of your ninja skills, I still would do it.

You have no idea how you being a friend mean to me, from your bullying self to that creepy smile of yours. XD

And please, do not say you guys are not my best friends.

I can almost say..you guys ARE my life now, in school.

School wouldn't be school without you all, as cheesy as this may sound.

You know, every time when you see me looking moody or solemn, when you always tell me to "Smile Leonie, SMILE!", even if I had to force myself to smile, it does help you know. I felt cared for, and every time you say that to me, tears never fail to form in my eyes.

This, all written truthfully and honestly.

Maybe that's why I always smile the widest smile I can whenever you tell me to, so that my eyes aren't so noticeable, tears and all. Haha.

I will be different from them, don't worry.

But your friends that self-harm..isn't there any way we can help? Somehow I find that question of mine very childish, but after going through what they're feeling, I feel that I should be making an effort to help before things get much worse for them.

Another childish question, I think.


But thanks a lot Ozri. I will be making a comeback in school soon. As much as you made me cry with your comment, apparently I'm a cucumber now? =.= Hahah. XD

I'll think twice about hiding your shoes now. *shows angelic face* :P

I will get well soon. At least, try to? :)
PS : Hope you found somebody to go for camp in your place already. I don't want you to go too! ):

Another, my caring, naggy and apparently fierce mummy - Jia Ying.

"go leonie!!
smiles =)
IMY granny.fast2 recover"
© Koh Jia Ying.
She with her everyday actions, can make any human smile.

Ask my classmates, if you choose to doubt me.

Kindness level is way beyond the skies and seas.

Always the one who supplies food when we are starving during classes. Heheh.

And most importantly, she, together with Jaafar, are the first of all people to agree with me on just being satisfied if we could pass our tests and exams for now. Less stress = A happier human.

At least, that's one less worry for me in life.

And that, is a huge achievement already for the worrywart in me!

She didn't think the worse of me throughout The Drama, but instead supported and encouraged me with Anna, Azri, Gurpreet, Jaafar, Anith and Liyana who didn't ask me about it, but chose to just be there by my side at times when I needed company the most.

And..she's the one who started calling me granny. Hahahahahah.

So there you have it.

They who gave me a whole new life in school.

They who had sacrificed a lot for me, being me.

They who never questioned, but just guided me throughout my distress.

They who made me cry, not of sadness, but of appreciation and sincere happiness.

They are who I call..

..kawans. =)

As much as I know how much jealousy this can cause, but hey, that wouldn't be my problem anymore, would it? :]

This entry also does not mean that my other awesome friends out there who really do care aren't my friends. They are just being my friends, but they are showing it in different ways. I know who they are, and they do too, so I'll leave it be. Their identities will be revealed in my blog slowly, but surely. (:

Also, there is a question that may sound like this,


I admit, this was one mistake I had committed before, because I was too naive then. Despite the fact that I had always thought that the status of best friends forever is very hard to attain, but I thought I did, thinking I was one of them lucky ones. Unfortunately, I made this mistake not only once, not twice, but three times in my life. And I'm not going to fall for it anymore, hopefully.

For now, I shall be content with these friends God had blessed me with.

And as long as there's give and take between them friends and me, I don't think there should be a problem at all.

Because my mistake was very simple, I gave too much and refused a lot. I took too little, I was taken for granted in certain situations, and hence the current me.

Though I have to say, this could be one of the worst I had been through.

Hey, locking myself in the toilet and crying my eyes out was a cowardly thing to do, running away from my problems just like that.

I know better now.

I really do.

Said particular someone would know very obviously that I'm talking about her.

So do her friends.

But I have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm just being me, myself and I.

I'm sorry if they are offended by what I had written, but hey, this isn't the first time.

Like what my mumsie had advised, people see and view things differently from how I personally think. Things that I had meant in a harmless way, may seem offensive to others. Things I do speak in a sarcastic manner or harshly could be taken for granted and ignored.

After having a mother-daughter talk yesterday night, and unsuccessfully not being able to control myself from crying, my mumsie, knowing how much I tend to brood over too many things at one go and think into matters too much, just told me the same thing what I had been told.


My mumsie is aware I have a blog, and she warned me not to write too much about what I really feel here, because it's just going to cause more controversies and misunderstandings.

Oh well, I'll let it all out now.

After this, it's time to stand strong again.

And honestly, with the help of my family and friends.

Bless us all.

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Day one.

Like how my previous entry had stated, I had been banned by my dad to go to school today.

He's mad enough about the fact that I had been falling sick every month this year, and personally I think that I had been burdening him with all the medical expenses at the clinic monthly.

I feel myself useless in that way.

Burdening my parents with sick weak me when they already have tons of other problems of their own to try and solve.

I just have to try and be a good daughter, and heal properly this time.

I'm tempted to delete my entry titled Rejected before any of them classmates or schoolmates see it, but I thought otherwise.

It's a phase in my life, and I'm going to try and get over it.

Only one person read that entry right after it got published.

And she knocked some good old sense into my throbbing head.

With me being all mopey and down like this, I tend to make those who really do care for me even more upset that they feel they can't do anything to help me.

Or, they will get tired of my pessimistic self and will leave me friendless, and there goes my last of friendships.

I myself do not like blogging about the downs in my life.

But I seriously have no idea where else to channel all that negativity to.

I had always wanted to blog about my everyday life like other teenagers, about how they have fun with their friends, their school, their happiness, their downs, and how they learn to stand up and continue living life throughout valuable lessons taught by different situations that are thrown to them.

Something I realized, there's too much unhappiness in this blog more than the happy things I do encounter in my life.

So, a new goal.

Blog about the happy and joyous matters in life that do bring a sincere smile and a banshee-like laughter more often, and when I do read these entries back, they will automatically put that needed smile back on my face.

She also mentioned something that really made me think twice about my usual practicality.

"You're emoing like you just got dumped by a boyfriend."
And I was pretty dumbfounded by how true that statement was.

I have never cared so much about boyfriend-girlfriend relationships before, and now I'm moping about something that is similar to that issue, but isn't.

Even to the point when this issue can reduce me to nothingness and tears.

It's easier not to brood about this matter when I don't have to see said particular someone in school today.

But yes, it does give me some much needed alone time to think things over and sort my thoughts out.

Day two will be much harder.

We'll see about then.

But for now, it's time to stop banging on the closed door and pick up enough courage to walk through that newly opened one.

And to those friends who had always stayed by my side throughout The Drama, and up till the very moments of now I hope, I'm sorry for my emotional and negative self.

Like she said, the least I can do is to repay you all back by being happy.

And yes, I shall try.

I will. (:

A very big thank you to her who had constantly been there for me and giving me advice throughout my years in high school.

She watched me grow up, and I do think she knows me better than I know myself.

You know who you are.

It's unfortunate I can't mention who, since even this had brought some jealousy into this particular relationship in school.

But you know I'm really grateful to you, for just being there.

Thank you.

And thank you to the friends who never judged me when I'm down in the dumps and looked like a miserly old Scrooge. ;)

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"Time to recover.
And seek the open door.
Upon this journey I shall tread.
And with this,
it begins."

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"Go to sleep, my child.
Escape to another dimension.
Flee to a new world.
Retreat to a different planet.
Forget about your misery and pain.
Let me heal you from the anguish and agony,
the hurt and suffering,
your sadness and frailness.
Worry no more.
Go to sleep, my child."
-rejected, ©Alyssia-Teddy.-

I feel amazingly stupid and weak.

Basically, I went back home this morning from school in total disgrace.

In the entire process of having that torturing headache and sudden fever..

I lost my dignity.

I lost my pride.

I lost my confidence.

I lost my self-esteem.

I lost my optimism.

I lost my sanity.

I lost control of my emotions.

I lost those who were once dear to me.

I lost touch with..me.
On the way to school this morning, my mum already noticed how sick I was, and asked me not to go instead.

Stubborn me insisted, because I had been missing out on too many Japanese classes, and I swear I have no idea what's going on in the syllabus anymore.

Just as I was about to reach the school gates, my pink tote bag with my file and textbooks tumbled down and everything in it came out.

It was then I told my mum,

"This is going to be a bad day.
Bad day indeed."
Haha. I know. How ironic of me to start the day with such a pessimistic thought.

It's said that it's the individual who decide how said individual's day turns out, so honestly, I was just ruining my day with just that single thought.

During Chemistry, Anna-chan sang songs with me, Azri joined in too. Guppy was just officiating the fact that I have finally lost my mind.

At least they were willing to entertain my freaky weird self. Haha.

Throughout the throbbing head and feverish state, that didn't hurt so bad.

I mean, I was sick. Easy as that.

What made it much worse..was this particular someone who was talking at the top of her voice with her friends, laughing their heads off over some friend's crazy antics, and just smiling with such joy.

I do feel happy for said particular someone. I really do.

But something in me stirred up, bringing back all those memories.

The times we had together, how we used to share our secrets with each other.

It hurts, knowing that something made all this vanish in just a matters of seconds.

We didn't talk at all for the next few weeks or so.

When I finally called you to try and clear things up, apparently we did.

Apparently, everything is finally settled.

But thinking back to that conversation, I was doing a lot of the explaining and crying.

I was just trying to make my stand clear, on what was going on then.

The only thing I can remember said particular someone saying was basically about how said particular someone was sorry said particular someone did not choose to confront me and question me personally on what's going on, instead of leaving me alone to mope and getting more upset with the whole issue.

Whatever it was, I just remembered telling said particular someone,


And I was right.

Maybe it's my fault because I didn't take the initiative to make things better between said particular someone and me.

Maybe it's my fault because I chose to doubt our close friendship, over another's words.

But hey, I may be at fault, but I am sure, I'm not fully at fault.

I deserve some pity or understanding of some sort at least.

But no, I wasn't given the chance to prove myself.

Instead, I personally think that things are just the same during The Drama.


I admit, I was rude, mean, childish, whatever you all think of me, 'cos I can't be bothered to know or care anymore.

I said things I shouldn't had said, I made accusations based on my then emotions and not logical thinking.

I said I wouldn't trust anybody anymore.

But it's hard.

When I confided in the elders and the very few from school about this, all of them basically gave almost the same advice.


But honestly, I tried.

Let me clarify that this is not an easy feat at all.

I tried. I really did.

But what I got, was more tears and a lower self-esteem level.

Sure, I feel dumb and miserable for causing all this to myself by myself.

I did, and still am brooding over this matter.

Do you know, sitting next to said particular someone in class hurts even more?

It's like, the differences and the distance between us, just grew further and wider apart.

And we lost contact. Just like that.

I don't care anymore if people are going to say that I'm just noting all of this down and lying or exaggerating about the whole matter to just attract attention, to have people concerned for me, to have them sympathize with me.

I was just trying to speak up and voice out.

I realized I'm the one who always have to give way.

To put myself in another's shoes.

To understand and listen to another's problems.

To be pushed around and thrown away like some object.

To be teased and insulted, to be criticized and commented.

To always act out the favour, but never to be returned at times when I do need help.


But, what's constantly bugging me, is that if I do want a chance to fit in, I have to change into a whole different person.

Someone who's really competitive with the positions and marks in class.

Someone who can communicate with anyone and impress them not long after.

Someone who can go out to CS to hang out with friends.

Someone who is aware of what's the in news in the other premier schools.

Problem is, because of what I already am, I can't fulfill all of the requirements at all.

I didn't even bother to state the rest, because I know it's just going to cause some controversy between them and me again.


Simple as that.

And I had mentioned about how I couldn't stand this person in school, but I think I can actually understand her point of view.

She just wants to fit in, like me.

Only, I think I don't make myself look too obvious about that.

So, I can understand how she feels.

If to change who I really am to gain temporary happiness in school, is it worth it?

Frankly, I don't know anymore.

Because of all these thoughts, I was tearing up since the start of Chemistry.

When my classmates suspected I was crying, I just passed it off as 'sore eyes' or 'sleepiness.'

In fact, I was just trying to hide those tears.

After Chemistry, it was BM.

Back to that seat, which just tortures me too much inside.

Still, I had to take my place.

Cik Fatilla was explaining about the rumusan homework we had today.

Instead of listening, which I just couldn't, I just teared up without wanting to.

I stuffed some tissue up my nose, hoping nobody saw me looking so miserable.

Especially Anna-chan, I don't want to make her upset 'cos I was crying.

But since I'm already confiding it in here, I'm sorry Anna dear. Please don't be upset for me, ne?

At that very moment, Cik Fatilla asked me,

"Kong, you ok tak?"
"Demam, cikgu."
And I tried focusing once more.

By the time it was Physics, I couldn't stand the headache and heartache anymore.

I ran to call my mum, and cried into the phone, asking her to fetch me from school and send me home.

I just couldn't bear to go for Physics and repeat the painful process of having those flashbacks all over again.

Tears were already falling.

I walked quickly into the toilet, chose the third cubicle from the left which everyone had said to be haunted, and cried my eyes out there.

As much as I wanted to stop, I just couldn't.

I really can't.

I had no idea how long I stayed in there.

I thought of cutting myself, self-mutilation, suicide. I thought it all.

Stupid, silly immature thoughts.

But I think I finally maintained composure of my tear glands when it was almost recess.

Went back up the stairs, to my empty class.

Shut the doors, and just collapsed into my seat.

I didn't care if I were to be left alone in class, with nobody else to take note of what's going on with me.

I didn't care if some prefect on duty turned up and wrote my name down.

I didn't care if Pn Azalina came in and threatens to demerit me and confiscate my tie.

I just wasn't bothered anymore.

The pain in my head, and heart, was too much to bear.

I didn't know who to confide in.

Tell the majority of the people that's left that I could actually trust - it will be something that I had heard countless times.


Tell Anna-chan, and I think she'll be more miserable, 'cos she's such a happy-go-lucky girl, I can't bear to ruin her optimism.

What to do.

Just lock all that pain inside of me and keep it to myself.

Instead of bringing sadness into others.

Might as well bear it myself.

Fell sick again. It's already a monthly routine.

My dad is banning me from camps, extra-curricular activities and school tomorrow.

Great. Just splendid.

I know he's concerned, but..sigh.

My life is ruined.

Thanks to me, myself and I.

Hurrah.

If you think this is all too dramatic for you to bear, be with it.

I'm tired of being judged and hated and bitched about and brought down.

And after this entry gets published, a lot of people are going to hate me for this.

Truly, sincerely, honestly.


And this is coming from a dejected girl who has almost lost all hope in life.

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"Going crazy,
nearing madness,
officially insane.
-Crazy, ©breathingxsymphonies.-
Okay, there's goes the really short two weeks worth of hols.

Sorry for being MIA (Missing In Action), was trying to complete the horror of my undone homework that had been compiling itself since February.

Yes yes, I have only myself to blame.

The only good thing about hols this time is that I can sleep in rather than waking up at 5.30am in the morning.

Other than that, my routine only consists of the following :

• Waking up.
• Showering.
• Breakfast
  
• Homework.
• Replacing Rohaini classes.
• Attending OMEGA tuition.
• Homework.
• Lunch.
• Cleaning up my room.
• Occasional MSN conversations.
• Dinner.
• Homework.
• Staying up late.
• Homework.
• Sleep.

There readers, now you should have a clear idea of what this blogger's boring life is like.

Oh gawd, it's almost 6.00pm.

I still have homework/assignments/obligations as stated below :

1. BM - PLBS, Nilam.
2. BI - Composition, two oral tests.
3. Math - Math 1, Math 2, Math 3.
4. Add. Math - Add. Math 1., Corrections for Mid Years.
   
5. Biology - Notes, Exercise, Modules, Practical.
   
6. Chemistry - Notes, Exercise, PEKA, Practical.
7. Physics - Exercise, Practical, PEKA.
8. Accounts - A whole damn lot, all the way from Buku Tunai to I don't know what.
   
9. History - Notes. Notes. Notes. Essay, Corrections for Test 2.
   
10. Music - The scales homework from February. Or January? Yikes. Please don't tell Puan Yew, fellow Music classmates.*NEW : Corrections, Cadences.
    
11. Japanese- Workbook.
    
12. Rohaini's work. From January. I never handed in my book to her before, though I sort of promised her to do so during the hols. I'm horrible.
    
13. Mr Lim's essays. I haven't done two of them.
14. Sort out my tuition notes and return the borrowed notes back to Khai and Guppy.
    
15. Log books. Not even touched. Miss Low is going to freak. Leonie is screwed.
    
16. Pn Gan's Father's Day Powerpoint presentation. Crap. Now to present it on Friday.
17. Some English articles for the school magazine.
    
18. I'm sure I missed out something, but..never mind.

I might be going on a hiatus till I get my life sorted out properly.

I think I might be striking out them completed stuff though.

I seriously freaking doubt it, there's so much to do, I hate myself, ugh.


...

Do I really have to go for camp this weekend?

Ugh. Woe is me.

PS : Tags and comments will be replied ay-sap. Bear with me please.

Take care, and Leonie hearts them who hearts her back.

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Next up on my Hairstyle Obsession Mania, is the much-awaited Short Dos' are Love entry!

Dream on Leonie. Does anyone even bother with hairstyles like you do?

Okay, for now, I'm only taking certain styles that I liked from America's Next Top Model. And, I didn't go through all of the styles throughout all of the cycles. Just a particular few which grabbed my attention. Oh yeah, did I mention that I love their portfolios too?

Let's start with..

Renee Alway from Cycle 8.

Before and After.
I seriously love the After shot.

Her first photoshoot aimed to portray Anti-Gun.
Before her makeover, with her still long hair.

Glam Rock.
Yesh, the lady model there,
the dude's a drag queen.
Watch the episode yourself if you want to know the details.

Renee's CoverGirl shot.
A really natural profile shot, if I say so myself.

Can you believe she got eliminated even though her portfolio is practically ah-mazing?
The reason from the panel of judges?
"She looks too old."
Pffffft.
I still think she's awesome.

Next..

Brittany "McKey" Sullivan from Cycle 11.
Which recently ended on Channel 5.
I didn't get to watch this cycle by the way.
Will do some catching up on this cycle ay-sap.

After the makeover.

Featuring Susan Holmes swimwear.
The hair looks hawt.
Seriously.

Theme : Natural Disasters.
This is supposedly portraying a heat wave?
Interesting.
I uploaded this shot because I thought her hair looked real nice in this photo.

I think this is McKey's best in her entire portfolio.
Basically, she's not my favourite model.
But, honestly..

I fell in love with her 'do.
That's why she's in this post!
Okay, before moving on.


Note : These three are among my favourite models from this cycle, other than Isabella and Tahlia. Too bad..none of them were America's Next Top Model. How splendid. I'm only featuring these three because they sport really edgy short 'dos.

Starting from the one who grabbed my attention the most before her makeover.

Felicia 'Fo' Porter, before her makeover..

..and after!
She did make a big fuss among the rest of the models over her makeover,
but I don't exactly blame her that much.
Still, I really loved her makeover,
even if she didn't at first.

Fo and Aminat as stockbrokers on Wall Street in Manhattan.
This is one of my favourite shots of Fo in the entire cycle.
Full view please!
'Cos if you don't,
you're freaking not doing any justice to this shot.
You have my word for it.
Check out their expressions y'all!

I'd always heart outstanding profile shots.
This is one of them.
And I have only one word to describe this.
OUTSTANDING.

Coming up next on the list..

Lauren 'London' Levi-Nance.
She looks alright here.
Wait till you see what's next.

Yesh,
that's how she looked like after it was announced that she is going to be one of the finalists for Cycle 12.
I thought her look was unique,
with her headbands and all,
but what's next will definitely make an unforgettable impression.
Well..it did to me, anyway.

Presenting..


London after her makeover.
Hair was cut short and dyed platinum blond.
Ooh la la~!
I was like..
"Can I cut my hair like hers?
Complete with the platinum blond?!"
I WISH.

In my opinion,
this was her best among her other photographs in her portfolio.
Full view as well, please!

Another outstanding profile shot.
Not as dynamic as Fo's,
but it does channel her colour - blue.
Cool and icy cold.

Finally, as this entry is coming to an end..

Celia Ammerman, the typical girl next door.
Her personal wardrobe is unbelievably stylish.
And from the girl next door..

..to glam rocker.
I.
Love.
Her.
'Do.

My favourite of Celia's.
Her profile shot.
Stunning, if not impressive.
What is really upsetting, is the reason why all three who are mentioned above got eliminated.

Fo got eliminated, because she doesn't have the modelesque height.
London got kicked out, because she was apparently fat.
Celia was dropped from the competition, and once again, you should find this reason familiar enough. She looks too old.

Where is the fairness in selecting the winner of America's Next Top Model nowadays?

In any case, I'm thankful enough if some modeling agency discovered them and fully develop their potential in modelling.

*****It doesn't help that Lynnie-jie just had a haircut too.

Did I mention it is really nice?

Jealous much. LOL.

I'm tempted to do all sorts of wild things with my hair, but for now..I'll keep it this way first.

Long enough to do some crazy experiments with cuts, angles and colours when SPM 2010 is officially over!

A year and a half to go!

Whoopee.

PS : I might just do another entry on hairstyles. XD

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

"Hey my friend,
you make me laugh,
you share my joy,
you let me cry,
you hear it all.
You sing with me,
you play with me,
since baby steps,
to crinkly skin."
Hey my friend,
let's stay friends,
do, won't you,
please?"
-Friends, ©MakesMeLaugh.-
I appreciate all of the friends that I had been blessed with in this lifetime.

Those from my kinder days.

Those from SKST memories.

Those from SIGS moments.

Those from tuition.

Those from RYLA '08.

Those with similar interests.

Those who hail from other countries.

Those who are the friends of friends.

Those who love me for me.

Those who had shared them thrilling moments in life.

Those who had been there for me through times of need.

Those who regard me as a friend, and so do I to them.

Those, those, and those.

They had changed my life.

Whether in good or bad, hey, that's me now.

Therefore to them friends, thank you. (:

To my dear Khai, cheer up okay? Flippy and I had been through it before, and we will help you with it all the same. Smile for us please! *hugs*

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Thanks to Anna-chan who reminded me of another particular wisecrack of Sarania aka Miss Serati.

Cik Julie : ni bahagian ape?*points to upper part of the leg aka peha*
4sc1 : bicep!!
Cik Julie : Bukan bicep la! Bicep dkt tgn!! ni HAMSTRING!
4sc1 : oooo..
Cik Julie : ni ape nama die? *points to lower part of the leg aka betis*
4sc1 : aaaa~...
Saran : G-STRING.

XD

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To the renowned King of Pop - Mr Michael Joseph Jackson.
We grew up with your songs.
From you teaching us about the values to Heal The World,
because the fact that us humans,
together as one,
no matter whether we're Black or White,
"We Are The World."
There is a Bad side to each and every one of us,
which is what makes a part of our lives a Thriller.
For the Man in The Mirror,
we should be the ones making that change.
If we want a change.

From your moonwalking to your shiny sequinned gloves,
you will be deeply missed.
A legacy you were.
And always will be.
Despite the unwanted attention from the media,
and all those accusations,
you were and still are respected by your fans.
You left the world all of a sudden,
right before your major comeback,
to your life,
This Is It.
Your fans,
never judging you for your looks and personality,
for they will be singing to your song,
dedicating to you who had been a part of their lives,
"I Just Can't Stop Loving You."

Mr Michael Joseph Jackson.
1958 - 2009.
Rest In Peace.

Miss Farrah Fawcett.
Notably remembered for that poster of yours,
with that charming smile and wavy locks.
Guys from many generations fell head over heels in love with you.
From your role in Charlie's Angels then,
to your battle against cancer.
A strong woman,
you were called.
And always will be.
In the eyes of your fans.
And those who truly loved you for you.

Miss Farrah Fawcett.
1947 - 2009.
Rest In Peace.

*****Two people who had made an impact to this world of ours had passed on.

I still remember those times when kor and I were playing Michael Jackson's Moonwalker back in those days.

And suddenly, while sorting out the newspapers for the day, Pn Habibah wanted her paper from me earlier, all because she heard from the other teachers this.


I merely thought it was some ridiculous joke some teacher was pulling.

Obviously, it isn't now.

All day long, and till now, there are music tributes of Michael Jackson all over MTV, radio stations alike.

Documentaries too.

Headlines for many newspapers.

His story was published and magnified.

And I just find it a shame that Miss Farrah Fawcett didn't get the same attention as Mr Michael here.

She made just as much a contribution to the entertainment and showbiz industry.

Though I didn't really know her at all till her demise..but still, hey, she deserves more credit than what she has now.

God bless them both. May their souls rest in peace.

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Back to appreciating and appreciated mode here. ;)

Okay, so presenting the next batch of people who made me feel a whole lot more useful than useless. :]

My fellow feline lover, Guppy aka Flippy! We love all cats! Maybe with the exception of those that resides in the canteen. Food stealers! Hmmph.





You know, somehow I find it quite amazing that I’m not the only one who thought of that before. All of you that outright confessed on your respective blogs that you all had considered self-harm, and overcoming it, just to knock some sense into my head that it ain’t worth anything, really woke me up from this whole enchilada. For once, I’m not ashamed to chicken out from this. So, chickens united! Hahah.

Come on, at least you’re bothered to do something about my very pathetic self then, knowing that you could only go online during weekends. At least you cared, so be proud of yourself! I’m real thankful for that too.

Especially with the fact that you’re never ashamed to be you, since entering secondary school.

I admire the fact, despite your craziness, hyperactive self, with the occasional lame joke here and there added with certain vulgarities and yellow matters that only you and I can actually talk about, you never cared about what people think about you. Despite the fact that people were bitching about you and trying to bring you down in so many different ways, you didn’t care how people judged you, and that’s only one part of your awesome personality.

You make friends darn easily, as shown with Khai, the both of you practically bonded during your first Biology tuition with Mr Kung! And are now the awesomest and craziest of friends, not forgetting the fact that you both composed the song Zombieman for that dude from our Chemistry class. Gosh, I still feel bad for him, but all the same, you guys rock.

Another example would be with Cat Phuah, during the Spelling Bee Competition at Sunway College. Zurina and I got to sit together, and boy did I felt relieved I didn’t have to step out from my comfort zone, but you had to sit at the row behind us with another contestant from another school. And I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation with Cat, and I was very surprised that the both of you were talking so animatedly within seconds of knowing each other! I was kind of scared to turn around and say hi, sure I was shy at that moment, afraid that I would most probably say something that would most probably embarrass me, but I picked up enough courage to do so, and that was something I never regretted. Now, both of us have a great new friend called Cat, and her friends were pretty awesome people too. Too bad she moved to Kedah before we had a chance to hang out! There will be a chance, I’m sure.

You are an awesome friend Guppy, know that.

And it’s my loss I didn’t get to know you better before, although we were from the same primary school. Geesh.

But you’re right.
Ohana means family. And family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.
© Lilo from Lilo and Stitch the Movie.
Crap, you have no idea how much you and our family made me have that sense of belonging and comfort with you guys.

I never felt like that before, honestly, not even with my previous batch of friends.

I couldn’t feel comfortable with my own identity, because I was too busy changing myself to be like them. To fit in, to belong.

I was constantly fighting with my own principles of being myself, or changing to get them friends.

But with you guys, I can forget about that thought and just be myself.

Yes, it’s time to abstain from perfection a lil’ bit.

Or just fast from perfection for the time being.

Please, your entry made me laugh like some crazy hyena.

Your entry, was totally you.

And I have no idea why your name was in chocolate. There was a reason..but I forgot.

Eheh. But I think I would want it to stay that way on my blog, unless you request for a change in colour.

LOL-ness about the cannibalism thing. xD

Wawasan Cuckoo Head. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Applying BM into your entry, goodness gracious me!

I think that’s what I can expect from Miss Flippy with her what the flamingo or what the Flippy, when her mum is well-versed in BM. xD

PS : Your rumusan way exceeded the word limit! :P

Next, my shopaholic partner and my totally huggable hubby - Stepho dear. [:

The rare times she does blogs in English, for me! I'm honoured. Heh.

My Chinese is like crap. I swear, even kor can speak Chinese better than me now. Hmmph. Though it's an undeniable fact when it comes to smses, my han yu pin yin is the best in the family okay. Lol.

I digress.

She calls me sweet?

Come on, every time I find myself coming back to school after staying at home for some time being sick and all, whenever I see her first thing in the morning, it'll be that smile of hers and a bear hug that always never fail to make me feel all the better. (:

And I have to admit, it is The Drama that made me like this. Other than the fact that I'm also someone who easily succumbs to the flu virus.

Though we are in different classes, but yes, she is an awesome friend. Awesome indeed.

The fact that she just became one of us SIGS-ians at the beginning of the year, and facing all sorts of drama of her own too, she is considered strong in this school of ours.

In a society full of girly and catty bitchtalk, bitchfights, rumours, dissing, bitching, backstabbing, she still is standing strong, surviving all of that.

Honestly though, she may seem rebellious, but she is not the kind to put glue on people's tables and chairs to spite them.

She's not a spiteful person at all alright.

I'm quite disappointed that there are actually people who can actually outright accuse her of all these crimes, and make her the bad guy.

But I'm proud of her, for standing strong and being true to her conscience.

It had been tough for her, and still is, but she has us friends who will back her up.

I don't have the rights to accuse and point out who's right or wrong, but Stepho is a loyal friend, and as her friend, I believe she is not the culprit whatsoever, so I think those who are trying to bring her down, just give up. She won't be affected, 'cos unlike you, or maybe a lot of you guys, she has us to be there for her. So there. Mind your own life, and we will too.

Really, some people nowadays.

Just find their lives too boring, so they just want to stir up some drama of their own and make their pathetic boring lives interesting.

Note that this isn't to accuse anyone in particular of their crimes.

But if I do find myself involved and pulled into this new drama one day, them who do feel the guilt would be the ones doing that to me.

And I would then know who are those pitiful people who needs to get a life.

Pfffft.

Stepho is one girl whom I can go window-shopping with, talk about girly stuff with, discuss about friendship issues with, and is a very nice companion to just share what's going on in my life.

So Stepho dear, stay strong! You are awesome the way you are! That's why..

=]
PS : The picture of you with the heart pose was totally coincidental when I print-screened your blog. What can I say..it's fate! ;) I love you too! ♥

Now, this is someone whom I recently known for not too long.


The very sweet, caring Jen from Penang.

Apparently I left my blog link in one of my Plurks some time ago.

And she found me and was really nice about the whole drama I was going through.

Basically, she's right. Everything summed up into those few words.

Less brooding. More naps.
© Jen.
So right. Thank you Jen, for caring. (:

And yes, I do have the sweetest friends! One of them being you! ;)

At the same time, I would like to say thanks to Lynnie-jie, for her thoughtful gift. Come back to JB soon! Rozi wants her T-shirt. :P

Thanks to Natch dear, who's my personal Little Miss Sunshine. Or maybe Miss All-Smiles! (: She always reminds me to smile! Aha, I miss this dearie so much. When can we have music class again? I miss her and her hugs! ♥

Also to Ash, who I can't wait for her to get back from Perlis! We. Need. To. Talk. Pronto!

Thanks to my crazy classmates, for making my days in school much more bearable.

Oh yes, thanks to them schoolmates, for not minding me and letting me feel welcomed.

To Naomi, my fellow third speaker whom I can really talk to about school and all, she was the first person, in fact, next to Stepho who was right there with us, that I confided in about the whole best friend problem to. I didn't get to say much then, but it was then I found out why I was feeling so down and depressed with all that unstable emotions in me. She's going through similar problems as well, and I can only wish her all the best, and if she needs a ear to listen out to her rants, she knows I'm available, like how she had been advising me and being someone I can talk about my problems to all this while. :D

Another long entry full of appreciating.

Seriously, I think it is while I'm blogging about appreciation, it is as if it's the first time I'm really pouring out what I am really thinking all this time.

Ah..life. =)

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Day three.

I think I had it easy, really.

I didn't have anything major to face in day one, I was banned from school. I didn't have to be reminded of anything concerning school, at all.

Stayed at home for day two to make sure the flu symptoms are completely gone. Or at least not as serious as before. Had a lot of support too, from them darlings. (:

Today?

My last day to brood and ponder about THAT, like how I had been advised to.

Well, my main problem wasn't there.

And I learnt to have fun with those who did care for me.

It's been long since 4 SC 1 had a PE lesson. Seriously.

The other subjects weren't so bad.

And the testimony in CF today, was actually really inspiring, and humorous at the same time.

Jaafar really was torturing my poor brain with her newly learnt IQ riddles she mastered while she was away for her hockey nationals.

Gosh, must figure it out!

Yeah, I managed to sneak out with the awesomeness for charkuey bakar and ais kacang today!

More about that soon. (:

Biology tuition earlier ain't so bad either.

Ah Yuan and I were insanely high from the tiredness from walking half the journey to WISMA today. Phew.

Can't stay long, I have school tomorrow.

So, I'm ending this with the highlight of the day in school.

Cik Julie : Ok kelas, sekarang kita buat cooling down ok. Kena buat di tempat yang redup sikit.
*most of the class followed to the shadier area of the field*
Cik Julie : Oi, tengah buat apa tu?!
Leonie : *looks over at where Cik Julie is looking, and laughs like some mad child after*
Gurpreet and Azri : *rolling on the field towards where the rest of the class were standing*
Gurpreet : Cikgu suruh guling, kita guling la!
Anna : *runs up to Azri and Guppy, and joins them in the rolling game!*

Oh gawd. Best case scenario. Ever.

Therefore, we learnt that cooling = guling.

Thanks to these awesomeness.
MY Awesomeness. ;)
More tomorrow! =)

PS : My gracious thanks to Jen, Lynnie-jie, Natch, Guppy and Sean. I'm not even done with my thanks yet. You'll see x]

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I'M SO TERRIBLY SORRY I WAS ABSENT BECAUSE OF ME I MOST PROBABLY GOT YOU GUYS INTO TROUBLE BY NOT BEING ABLE TO DO YOUR ORAL ASSESSMENT PLEASE DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME I'M REALLY SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!

:'(

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Self-healing is going on not too bad so far.

I managed to NOT brood about the matter too much and did not even shed a single tear.

Till I saw these waiting for me.


Yes, the least I can do is to share the happiness and express my appreciation for these individuals here throughout my healing process.

Let's start off with my fellow feline - Anna-chan.

Her comment can be summed up into these three words - short, simple, sweet.

"Leonie! read my blog!"
©Anna Sabrina.
To put it honestly, I was afraid to see what was coming up for me in her blog, but somehow I managed to click on her link.

And what I read just made me bawl like a baby.



To my dear Anna-chan.

I'm glad you, Azri and Guppy were with me all the while during Chemistry that Tuesday.

I didn't want to tell you or Azri because I don't want to burden you both with my thoughts, which are most probably due to oversensitivity and thinking too much into certain matters. It's not worth letting y'all worry about me, when all of you are being the happy, crazy, fun people you guys always are. To me, it will be too evil and cruel of me to spoil that for the both of you. Especially you, Tiger-chan.

There was once when I asked you, "If there was somebody bitching about me to you, who would you rather believe? The statements that that person had said to you, or from how you knew me all this while?" I could see that it was a really hard question for you to answer, and I felt guilty for even thinking of asking you the very same question. Hence, I made up my mind, no more telling Anna-chan about negativity, because I felt that I was hurting you more when you are such an optimistic Tiger-chan. I'm sorry for asking you that question, Anna dear. Truly am sorry.

And I could see you were really worried about me getting involved with self-injury, just like Azri here. Don't you worry, it was just a passing thought, I would be terribly stupid and selfish to commit to self-harm. In fact, I have to say I'm too much of a coward to cause those scars and pain to myself.

You're absolutely right. I should be grateful for who I am, what I am, and how I am at this very moment. I had been blessed with this current physique, so I should be thankful for that instead of being so negative about it.

You know, I had once thought that people who actually do self-harm are really people who just are not thinking straight and they should just stop hurting themselves for all the wrong reasons when they are worth so much more than that. They deserve some other form of happiness instead of releasing emotional stress through pain and self-mutilation.

Through the incident on Tuesday, I can finally understand what really goes on in their minds.

Maybe the Almighty above wanted me to understand the thoughts of how these innocent hurt victims really think, and how they really feel about what's going on in life.

They feel hopeless, alone, hurt, lost.

It's a horrible feeling, and having experiencing that rush of emotions, I learnt so much.

The people who are always looking out for me, I know they do exist now.

I needed to be reassured, but now I know better.

And because you were worried about me committing self-harm, you confessed right there, on your blog, bravely, for all to see, that you were once tempted to do it too. And you, speaking out from your point of view, your experiences and thoughts on the whole issue, really made me teared up on the spot. I mean, it was as though someone understood what I was going through, finally.

There could be tons of other people out there who are tempted to injure themselves, or had been addicted to it, and I think with people like you, who had been through the same circumstances, are the ones who would be role models and emotional supporters to these people.

And one of them, being yours truly.

I'm sincerely grateful for that.

Again, you're right. I should try to relax a lil', from now on. It will be hard, since I think I can certify myself as a workaholic, but I know very well that you, Azri, Jia Ying mummy, and Guppy will help me with that. (:

What you said made a hell lot of sense. It's amazing, how your entry made me cry, laugh, smile and learn all at the same time.

I love you so much dearie, and don't you worry, I'll be working on my so-called defensive skills to defend myself against future ninja attacks from you and Azri ;) *hugs*

PS : Take a picture of your birds with their orange lipstick one day! It'll be a nice laugh for the all of us. :D

Next, the one and only wizard - Azri, or as we fondly know her, Ozri.

In text, her comment is as stated below, complete and unabridged.

Leonie ; ))
first of all;
get well soon oke?
we're all expecting your presence in school. regardless how 'sore eyes/sleepy' you look.
regardless,
you still have one that's called Gurpreet the FreePark, JiaYing the Mommy, Anna the Lumut and me. (although I'm a little bit useless)
chill timun okay?
the wounds, it may take some time to heal. not some time, but a very long time.
but if you don't want to face it anymore, you have to endure it all the way to getting over it.
you can count on us. We will guide you and company you through it all.
although we may not be your bestfriend, but we still want to be with you.
chill oke?
and most importantly,
SMILE,
although you feel like tearing up inside.
I can understand the pain. so try it, if you cry, try to shape a smile. It'll make you think that you're silly. but it heals. because laughter is healing.
don't do things such as self-injury. seriously, it's highly addictive. and do not ever ever do that. I have friends who do that, and they said it's hard to stop. they can't stop even if they want. they're depressed. and feel unloved, just like you.
but you have to be different from them.

regards,
your wizard of Ozri.
agaga.

To my mean wizard, Ozri.

You, never fail to make me more welcomed, together with Anna in class.

If there's something I realized but hadn't confided in this blog, let me do it now.

Every time when you both see me doing my work alone at my seat in class, the both of you will come over and keep me company.

That never failed to make me have a sense of belonging in school.

Yes, you both can make such a huge impact in my schooling days.

Even if it means getting ambushed from the back by you with a plastic bag and nearly getting strangled to death, but hey, no doubt about it, I felt like I was accepted into this strangling game, weird as it sounds.

As in, you guys want me to share in the fun.

I'm really touched by that, all the time.

And please, you, a little bit useless?

You are nowhere near useless.

If I had to knock that into your head, but getting bruised and sore muscles while I'm at it because of your ninja skills, I still would do it.

You have no idea how you being a friend mean to me, from your bullying self to that creepy smile of yours. XD

And please, do not say you guys are not my best friends.

I can almost say..you guys ARE my life now, in school.

School wouldn't be school without you all, as cheesy as this may sound.

You know, every time when you see me looking moody or solemn, when you always tell me to "Smile Leonie, SMILE!", even if I had to force myself to smile, it does help you know. I felt cared for, and every time you say that to me, tears never fail to form in my eyes.

This, all written truthfully and honestly.

Maybe that's why I always smile the widest smile I can whenever you tell me to, so that my eyes aren't so noticeable, tears and all. Haha.

I will be different from them, don't worry.

But your friends that self-harm..isn't there any way we can help? Somehow I find that question of mine very childish, but after going through what they're feeling, I feel that I should be making an effort to help before things get much worse for them.

Another childish question, I think.


But thanks a lot Ozri. I will be making a comeback in school soon. As much as you made me cry with your comment, apparently I'm a cucumber now? =.= Hahah. XD

I'll think twice about hiding your shoes now. *shows angelic face* :P

I will get well soon. At least, try to? :)
PS : Hope you found somebody to go for camp in your place already. I don't want you to go too! ):

Another, my caring, naggy and apparently fierce mummy - Jia Ying.

"go leonie!!
smiles =)
IMY granny.fast2 recover"
© Koh Jia Ying.
She with her everyday actions, can make any human smile.

Ask my classmates, if you choose to doubt me.

Kindness level is way beyond the skies and seas.

Always the one who supplies food when we are starving during classes. Heheh.

And most importantly, she, together with Jaafar, are the first of all people to agree with me on just being satisfied if we could pass our tests and exams for now. Less stress = A happier human.

At least, that's one less worry for me in life.

And that, is a huge achievement already for the worrywart in me!

She didn't think the worse of me throughout The Drama, but instead supported and encouraged me with Anna, Azri, Gurpreet, Jaafar, Anith and Liyana who didn't ask me about it, but chose to just be there by my side at times when I needed company the most.

And..she's the one who started calling me granny. Hahahahahah.

So there you have it.

They who gave me a whole new life in school.

They who had sacrificed a lot for me, being me.

They who never questioned, but just guided me throughout my distress.

They who made me cry, not of sadness, but of appreciation and sincere happiness.

They are who I call..

..kawans. =)

As much as I know how much jealousy this can cause, but hey, that wouldn't be my problem anymore, would it? :]

This entry also does not mean that my other awesome friends out there who really do care aren't my friends. They are just being my friends, but they are showing it in different ways. I know who they are, and they do too, so I'll leave it be. Their identities will be revealed in my blog slowly, but surely. (:

Also, there is a question that may sound like this,


I admit, this was one mistake I had committed before, because I was too naive then. Despite the fact that I had always thought that the status of best friends forever is very hard to attain, but I thought I did, thinking I was one of them lucky ones. Unfortunately, I made this mistake not only once, not twice, but three times in my life. And I'm not going to fall for it anymore, hopefully.

For now, I shall be content with these friends God had blessed me with.

And as long as there's give and take between them friends and me, I don't think there should be a problem at all.

Because my mistake was very simple, I gave too much and refused a lot. I took too little, I was taken for granted in certain situations, and hence the current me.

Though I have to say, this could be one of the worst I had been through.

Hey, locking myself in the toilet and crying my eyes out was a cowardly thing to do, running away from my problems just like that.

I know better now.

I really do.

Said particular someone would know very obviously that I'm talking about her.

So do her friends.

But I have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm just being me, myself and I.

I'm sorry if they are offended by what I had written, but hey, this isn't the first time.

Like what my mumsie had advised, people see and view things differently from how I personally think. Things that I had meant in a harmless way, may seem offensive to others. Things I do speak in a sarcastic manner or harshly could be taken for granted and ignored.

After having a mother-daughter talk yesterday night, and unsuccessfully not being able to control myself from crying, my mumsie, knowing how much I tend to brood over too many things at one go and think into matters too much, just told me the same thing what I had been told.


My mumsie is aware I have a blog, and she warned me not to write too much about what I really feel here, because it's just going to cause more controversies and misunderstandings.

Oh well, I'll let it all out now.

After this, it's time to stand strong again.

And honestly, with the help of my family and friends.

Bless us all.

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Day one.

Like how my previous entry had stated, I had been banned by my dad to go to school today.

He's mad enough about the fact that I had been falling sick every month this year, and personally I think that I had been burdening him with all the medical expenses at the clinic monthly.

I feel myself useless in that way.

Burdening my parents with sick weak me when they already have tons of other problems of their own to try and solve.

I just have to try and be a good daughter, and heal properly this time.

I'm tempted to delete my entry titled Rejected before any of them classmates or schoolmates see it, but I thought otherwise.

It's a phase in my life, and I'm going to try and get over it.

Only one person read that entry right after it got published.

And she knocked some good old sense into my throbbing head.

With me being all mopey and down like this, I tend to make those who really do care for me even more upset that they feel they can't do anything to help me.

Or, they will get tired of my pessimistic self and will leave me friendless, and there goes my last of friendships.

I myself do not like blogging about the downs in my life.

But I seriously have no idea where else to channel all that negativity to.

I had always wanted to blog about my everyday life like other teenagers, about how they have fun with their friends, their school, their happiness, their downs, and how they learn to stand up and continue living life throughout valuable lessons taught by different situations that are thrown to them.

Something I realized, there's too much unhappiness in this blog more than the happy things I do encounter in my life.

So, a new goal.

Blog about the happy and joyous matters in life that do bring a sincere smile and a banshee-like laughter more often, and when I do read these entries back, they will automatically put that needed smile back on my face.

She also mentioned something that really made me think twice about my usual practicality.

"You're emoing like you just got dumped by a boyfriend."
And I was pretty dumbfounded by how true that statement was.

I have never cared so much about boyfriend-girlfriend relationships before, and now I'm moping about something that is similar to that issue, but isn't.

Even to the point when this issue can reduce me to nothingness and tears.

It's easier not to brood about this matter when I don't have to see said particular someone in school today.

But yes, it does give me some much needed alone time to think things over and sort my thoughts out.

Day two will be much harder.

We'll see about then.

But for now, it's time to stop banging on the closed door and pick up enough courage to walk through that newly opened one.

And to those friends who had always stayed by my side throughout The Drama, and up till the very moments of now I hope, I'm sorry for my emotional and negative self.

Like she said, the least I can do is to repay you all back by being happy.

And yes, I shall try.

I will. (:

A very big thank you to her who had constantly been there for me and giving me advice throughout my years in high school.

She watched me grow up, and I do think she knows me better than I know myself.

You know who you are.

It's unfortunate I can't mention who, since even this had brought some jealousy into this particular relationship in school.

But you know I'm really grateful to you, for just being there.

Thank you.

And thank you to the friends who never judged me when I'm down in the dumps and looked like a miserly old Scrooge. ;)

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"Time to recover.
And seek the open door.
Upon this journey I shall tread.
And with this,
it begins."

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"Go to sleep, my child.
Escape to another dimension.
Flee to a new world.
Retreat to a different planet.
Forget about your misery and pain.
Let me heal you from the anguish and agony,
the hurt and suffering,
your sadness and frailness.
Worry no more.
Go to sleep, my child."
-rejected, ©Alyssia-Teddy.-

I feel amazingly stupid and weak.

Basically, I went back home this morning from school in total disgrace.

In the entire process of having that torturing headache and sudden fever..

I lost my dignity.

I lost my pride.

I lost my confidence.

I lost my self-esteem.

I lost my optimism.

I lost my sanity.

I lost control of my emotions.

I lost those who were once dear to me.

I lost touch with..me.
On the way to school this morning, my mum already noticed how sick I was, and asked me not to go instead.

Stubborn me insisted, because I had been missing out on too many Japanese classes, and I swear I have no idea what's going on in the syllabus anymore.

Just as I was about to reach the school gates, my pink tote bag with my file and textbooks tumbled down and everything in it came out.

It was then I told my mum,

"This is going to be a bad day.
Bad day indeed."
Haha. I know. How ironic of me to start the day with such a pessimistic thought.

It's said that it's the individual who decide how said individual's day turns out, so honestly, I was just ruining my day with just that single thought.

During Chemistry, Anna-chan sang songs with me, Azri joined in too. Guppy was just officiating the fact that I have finally lost my mind.

At least they were willing to entertain my freaky weird self. Haha.

Throughout the throbbing head and feverish state, that didn't hurt so bad.

I mean, I was sick. Easy as that.

What made it much worse..was this particular someone who was talking at the top of her voice with her friends, laughing their heads off over some friend's crazy antics, and just smiling with such joy.

I do feel happy for said particular someone. I really do.

But something in me stirred up, bringing back all those memories.

The times we had together, how we used to share our secrets with each other.

It hurts, knowing that something made all this vanish in just a matters of seconds.

We didn't talk at all for the next few weeks or so.

When I finally called you to try and clear things up, apparently we did.

Apparently, everything is finally settled.

But thinking back to that conversation, I was doing a lot of the explaining and crying.

I was just trying to make my stand clear, on what was going on then.

The only thing I can remember said particular someone saying was basically about how said particular someone was sorry said particular someone did not choose to confront me and question me personally on what's going on, instead of leaving me alone to mope and getting more upset with the whole issue.

Whatever it was, I just remembered telling said particular someone,


And I was right.

Maybe it's my fault because I didn't take the initiative to make things better between said particular someone and me.

Maybe it's my fault because I chose to doubt our close friendship, over another's words.

But hey, I may be at fault, but I am sure, I'm not fully at fault.

I deserve some pity or understanding of some sort at least.

But no, I wasn't given the chance to prove myself.

Instead, I personally think that things are just the same during The Drama.


I admit, I was rude, mean, childish, whatever you all think of me, 'cos I can't be bothered to know or care anymore.

I said things I shouldn't had said, I made accusations based on my then emotions and not logical thinking.

I said I wouldn't trust anybody anymore.

But it's hard.

When I confided in the elders and the very few from school about this, all of them basically gave almost the same advice.


But honestly, I tried.

Let me clarify that this is not an easy feat at all.

I tried. I really did.

But what I got, was more tears and a lower self-esteem level.

Sure, I feel dumb and miserable for causing all this to myself by myself.

I did, and still am brooding over this matter.

Do you know, sitting next to said particular someone in class hurts even more?

It's like, the differences and the distance between us, just grew further and wider apart.

And we lost contact. Just like that.

I don't care anymore if people are going to say that I'm just noting all of this down and lying or exaggerating about the whole matter to just attract attention, to have people concerned for me, to have them sympathize with me.

I was just trying to speak up and voice out.

I realized I'm the one who always have to give way.

To put myself in another's shoes.

To understand and listen to another's problems.

To be pushed around and thrown away like some object.

To be teased and insulted, to be criticized and commented.

To always act out the favour, but never to be returned at times when I do need help.


But, what's constantly bugging me, is that if I do want a chance to fit in, I have to change into a whole different person.

Someone who's really competitive with the positions and marks in class.

Someone who can communicate with anyone and impress them not long after.

Someone who can go out to CS to hang out with friends.

Someone who is aware of what's the in news in the other premier schools.

Problem is, because of what I already am, I can't fulfill all of the requirements at all.

I didn't even bother to state the rest, because I know it's just going to cause some controversy between them and me again.


Simple as that.

And I had mentioned about how I couldn't stand this person in school, but I think I can actually understand her point of view.

She just wants to fit in, like me.

Only, I think I don't make myself look too obvious about that.

So, I can understand how she feels.

If to change who I really am to gain temporary happiness in school, is it worth it?

Frankly, I don't know anymore.

Because of all these thoughts, I was tearing up since the start of Chemistry.

When my classmates suspected I was crying, I just passed it off as 'sore eyes' or 'sleepiness.'

In fact, I was just trying to hide those tears.

After Chemistry, it was BM.

Back to that seat, which just tortures me too much inside.

Still, I had to take my place.

Cik Fatilla was explaining about the rumusan homework we had today.

Instead of listening, which I just couldn't, I just teared up without wanting to.

I stuffed some tissue up my nose, hoping nobody saw me looking so miserable.

Especially Anna-chan, I don't want to make her upset 'cos I was crying.

But since I'm already confiding it in here, I'm sorry Anna dear. Please don't be upset for me, ne?

At that very moment, Cik Fatilla asked me,

"Kong, you ok tak?"
"Demam, cikgu."
And I tried focusing once more.

By the time it was Physics, I couldn't stand the headache and heartache anymore.

I ran to call my mum, and cried into the phone, asking her to fetch me from school and send me home.

I just couldn't bear to go for Physics and repeat the painful process of having those flashbacks all over again.

Tears were already falling.

I walked quickly into the toilet, chose the third cubicle from the left which everyone had said to be haunted, and cried my eyes out there.

As much as I wanted to stop, I just couldn't.

I really can't.

I had no idea how long I stayed in there.

I thought of cutting myself, self-mutilation, suicide. I thought it all.

Stupid, silly immature thoughts.

But I think I finally maintained composure of my tear glands when it was almost recess.

Went back up the stairs, to my empty class.

Shut the doors, and just collapsed into my seat.

I didn't care if I were to be left alone in class, with nobody else to take note of what's going on with me.

I didn't care if some prefect on duty turned up and wrote my name down.

I didn't care if Pn Azalina came in and threatens to demerit me and confiscate my tie.

I just wasn't bothered anymore.

The pain in my head, and heart, was too much to bear.

I didn't know who to confide in.

Tell the majority of the people that's left that I could actually trust - it will be something that I had heard countless times.


Tell Anna-chan, and I think she'll be more miserable, 'cos she's such a happy-go-lucky girl, I can't bear to ruin her optimism.

What to do.

Just lock all that pain inside of me and keep it to myself.

Instead of bringing sadness into others.

Might as well bear it myself.

Fell sick again. It's already a monthly routine.

My dad is banning me from camps, extra-curricular activities and school tomorrow.

Great. Just splendid.

I know he's concerned, but..sigh.

My life is ruined.

Thanks to me, myself and I.

Hurrah.

If you think this is all too dramatic for you to bear, be with it.

I'm tired of being judged and hated and bitched about and brought down.

And after this entry gets published, a lot of people are going to hate me for this.

Truly, sincerely, honestly.


And this is coming from a dejected girl who has almost lost all hope in life.

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"Going crazy,
nearing madness,
officially insane.
-Crazy, ©breathingxsymphonies.-
Okay, there's goes the really short two weeks worth of hols.

Sorry for being MIA (Missing In Action), was trying to complete the horror of my undone homework that had been compiling itself since February.

Yes yes, I have only myself to blame.

The only good thing about hols this time is that I can sleep in rather than waking up at 5.30am in the morning.

Other than that, my routine only consists of the following :

• Waking up.
• Showering.
• Breakfast
  
• Homework.
• Replacing Rohaini classes.
• Attending OMEGA tuition.
• Homework.
• Lunch.
• Cleaning up my room.
• Occasional MSN conversations.
• Dinner.
• Homework.
• Staying up late.
• Homework.
• Sleep.

There readers, now you should have a clear idea of what this blogger's boring life is like.

Oh gawd, it's almost 6.00pm.

I still have homework/assignments/obligations as stated below :

1. BM - PLBS, Nilam.
2. BI - Composition, two oral tests.
3. Math - Math 1, Math 2, Math 3.
4. Add. Math - Add. Math 1., Corrections for Mid Years.
   
5. Biology - Notes, Exercise, Modules, Practical.
   
6. Chemistry - Notes, Exercise, PEKA, Practical.
7. Physics - Exercise, Practical, PEKA.
8. Accounts - A whole damn lot, all the way from Buku Tunai to I don't know what.
   
9. History - Notes. Notes. Notes. Essay, Corrections for Test 2.
   
10. Music - The scales homework from February. Or January? Yikes. Please don't tell Puan Yew, fellow Music classmates.*NEW : Corrections, Cadences.
    
11. Japanese- Workbook.
    
12. Rohaini's work. From January. I never handed in my book to her before, though I sort of promised her to do so during the hols. I'm horrible.
    
13. Mr Lim's essays. I haven't done two of them.
14. Sort out my tuition notes and return the borrowed notes back to Khai and Guppy.
    
15. Log books. Not even touched. Miss Low is going to freak. Leonie is screwed.
    
16. Pn Gan's Father's Day Powerpoint presentation. Crap. Now to present it on Friday.
17. Some English articles for the school magazine.
    
18. I'm sure I missed out something, but..never mind.

I might be going on a hiatus till I get my life sorted out properly.

I think I might be striking out them completed stuff though.

I seriously freaking doubt it, there's so much to do, I hate myself, ugh.


...

Do I really have to go for camp this weekend?

Ugh. Woe is me.

PS : Tags and comments will be replied ay-sap. Bear with me please.

Take care, and Leonie hearts them who hearts her back.

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Next up on my Hairstyle Obsession Mania, is the much-awaited Short Dos' are Love entry!

Dream on Leonie. Does anyone even bother with hairstyles like you do?

Okay, for now, I'm only taking certain styles that I liked from America's Next Top Model. And, I didn't go through all of the styles throughout all of the cycles. Just a particular few which grabbed my attention. Oh yeah, did I mention that I love their portfolios too?

Let's start with..

Renee Alway from Cycle 8.

Before and After.
I seriously love the After shot.

Her first photoshoot aimed to portray Anti-Gun.
Before her makeover, with her still long hair.

Glam Rock.
Yesh, the lady model there,
the dude's a drag queen.
Watch the episode yourself if you want to know the details.

Renee's CoverGirl shot.
A really natural profile shot, if I say so myself.

Can you believe she got eliminated even though her portfolio is practically ah-mazing?
The reason from the panel of judges?
"She looks too old."
Pffffft.
I still think she's awesome.

Next..

Brittany "McKey" Sullivan from Cycle 11.
Which recently ended on Channel 5.
I didn't get to watch this cycle by the way.
Will do some catching up on this cycle ay-sap.

After the makeover.

Featuring Susan Holmes swimwear.
The hair looks hawt.
Seriously.

Theme : Natural Disasters.
This is supposedly portraying a heat wave?
Interesting.
I uploaded this shot because I thought her hair looked real nice in this photo.

I think this is McKey's best in her entire portfolio.
Basically, she's not my favourite model.
But, honestly..

I fell in love with her 'do.
That's why she's in this post!
Okay, before moving on.


Note : These three are among my favourite models from this cycle, other than Isabella and Tahlia. Too bad..none of them were America's Next Top Model. How splendid. I'm only featuring these three because they sport really edgy short 'dos.

Starting from the one who grabbed my attention the most before her makeover.

Felicia 'Fo' Porter, before her makeover..

..and after!
She did make a big fuss among the rest of the models over her makeover,
but I don't exactly blame her that much.
Still, I really loved her makeover,
even if she didn't at first.

Fo and Aminat as stockbrokers on Wall Street in Manhattan.
This is one of my favourite shots of Fo in the entire cycle.
Full view please!
'Cos if you don't,
you're freaking not doing any justice to this shot.
You have my word for it.
Check out their expressions y'all!

I'd always heart outstanding profile shots.
This is one of them.
And I have only one word to describe this.
OUTSTANDING.

Coming up next on the list..

Lauren 'London' Levi-Nance.
She looks alright here.
Wait till you see what's next.

Yesh,
that's how she looked like after it was announced that she is going to be one of the finalists for Cycle 12.
I thought her look was unique,
with her headbands and all,
but what's next will definitely make an unforgettable impression.
Well..it did to me, anyway.

Presenting..


London after her makeover.
Hair was cut short and dyed platinum blond.
Ooh la la~!
I was like..
"Can I cut my hair like hers?
Complete with the platinum blond?!"
I WISH.

In my opinion,
this was her best among her other photographs in her portfolio.
Full view as well, please!

Another outstanding profile shot.
Not as dynamic as Fo's,
but it does channel her colour - blue.
Cool and icy cold.

Finally, as this entry is coming to an end..

Celia Ammerman, the typical girl next door.
Her personal wardrobe is unbelievably stylish.
And from the girl next door..

..to glam rocker.
I.
Love.
Her.
'Do.

My favourite of Celia's.
Her profile shot.
Stunning, if not impressive.
What is really upsetting, is the reason why all three who are mentioned above got eliminated.

Fo got eliminated, because she doesn't have the modelesque height.
London got kicked out, because she was apparently fat.
Celia was dropped from the competition, and once again, you should find this reason familiar enough. She looks too old.

Where is the fairness in selecting the winner of America's Next Top Model nowadays?

In any case, I'm thankful enough if some modeling agency discovered them and fully develop their potential in modelling.

*****It doesn't help that Lynnie-jie just had a haircut too.

Did I mention it is really nice?

Jealous much. LOL.

I'm tempted to do all sorts of wild things with my hair, but for now..I'll keep it this way first.

Long enough to do some crazy experiments with cuts, angles and colours when SPM 2010 is officially over!

A year and a half to go!

Whoopee.

PS : I might just do another entry on hairstyles. XD

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