• I hate cancer for ruining my life. I hate cancer for not letting me live my youth like I should be. I hate cancer for making my parents spend so much money in keeping me alive instead of investing in my education so that I could get a good job and provide for them. I hate cancer for making me feel so weak and useless.
  
  
• Yet, it's all thanks to cancer for teaching me the values of life and being a better person.
  
  
• It hurts to see you so happy. I know I should be happy for you, but truthfully, it's too hard.
  
  
• I was lying when I said that I never loved you. I did.
  
  
• Couldn't you see that I was just being selfless...? Couldn't you tell that I wanted you to seek happiness because I know that I'll just be a burden to you...?
  
  
• I shouldn't have typed the previous statement, because it's going to mess things up. But it hurts to keep it to myself too.
  
  
• I didn't want to confide in you about my problems anymore, because I didn't want your girlfriend to get the wrong idea. Just in case, okay?
  
  
• You may think that I'm distancing myself from you. The answer is a definite yes, but it's not by choice.
  
  
• Why are you being so nice to me? I really appreciate you for being there for me, but it may cause me to have the wrong idea.
  
  
• It's ironic how cancer has helped me to filter my friends - those who really care and those who don't give a shit about me.
  
  
• Also, I found really nice friends. They may be few, but I enjoy talking to them a lot. They know who they are.
  
  
• I don't think you'll ever read this. I really love you as a friend. You said that you love me too. But you never really seem to care.
  
  
• I miss you tremendously as a friend. It's just too bad that you sort of wanted me dead. There's no way I can appreciate that.
  
  
• I know I'm starting to get forgetten by my friends. I know that this gap between them and me is there. We just don't have much in common to talk about anymore. All of you are continuing your studies, while I'm still stuck at home. It makes me terribly lonely and awkward.
  
  
• Some of you are afraid to talk to me because you are afraid of saying the wrong things. I don't blame any of you, but I do miss all of you.
  
  
• Some of you are afraid to talk to me because you think that my cancer is contagious and it'll spread to you if you converse with me. You guys suck.
  
  
• It's not easy being quarantined like this. It hurts that a lot of you think that I'm just locking myself up because I'm bald and feeling ugly. I do feel ugly, but being quarantined is not my fucking choice. Stop fucking blaming me already!!
  
  
• I just feel miserable, tired, and really depressed. I don't mean to blog to rant about all things negative. I said it before, and I'm going to say it again - IT FUCKING HURTS to keep everything to myself.
  
  
• This post is far from concise and of substance.
  
  
• I don't know how to be selfish.
  

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I have been having dizzy spells recently. Minor headaches and fatigue are also affecting me once more.

I hate feeling so tired. It makes me feel unproductive when it comes to my personal to-do list. (I compiled this list so that I wouldn't feel kind of useless when it comes to everyday life, i.e. doing nothing because I'm not allowed from doing chores in case my health gets affected. More on that some other time.)

There was this period of time when I felt like I was a normal, healthy person again. I was online every single day without fail, I managed to complete the 30 day meme, I got to talk to some of my friends online too.

Obviously, I got too comfortable with that routine.

I really hate how unstable my health is. Just as I'd gotten used to feeling great and active again, my body shuts down on me and I feel pretty awful.

I know I shouldn't be stressing myself out, but I have so many things that are left undone. To think that I actually set a personal deadline for myself to complete said to-do list. (Deadline's before the start of the new year, anyway.)

I just want to start 2012 afresh. I'm looking forward to a major improvement in my health for the coming new year. I don't want to be too hopeful; with great expectations, comes great disappointments as well if things don't go your way. Some of you might think that I'm viewing the glass as half-empty, but it's not me thinking negatively. I just rather not go through the same kind of frustration, pain, and sadness when I found out that my cancer came back in three short months; I was expecting a full recovery, you see.

I'm sorry to those I have yet to respond online; I feel bad for not replying sooner, and it weighs rather heavily on my heart. (Amanda! I'm so sorry! D:) I'm not exaggerating at all; I just feel obliged to do so, somehow. The fact that I do feel kind of lonely a lot and being cut off from the outside world like this could be another reason as well.

Can't cancer just get out of my life already? It's been here long enough, seriously!

***Being myself makes me look stupid to you. Being defensive makes you view me as someone unfriendly.

I can never please everyone.

It hurts, because I just want to be liked and loved in my own skin.

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

• I hate cancer for ruining my life. I hate cancer for not letting me live my youth like I should be. I hate cancer for making my parents spend so much money in keeping me alive instead of investing in my education so that I could get a good job and provide for them. I hate cancer for making me feel so weak and useless.
  
  
• Yet, it's all thanks to cancer for teaching me the values of life and being a better person.
  
  
• It hurts to see you so happy. I know I should be happy for you, but truthfully, it's too hard.
  
  
• I was lying when I said that I never loved you. I did.
  
  
• Couldn't you see that I was just being selfless...? Couldn't you tell that I wanted you to seek happiness because I know that I'll just be a burden to you...?
  
  
• I shouldn't have typed the previous statement, because it's going to mess things up. But it hurts to keep it to myself too.
  
  
• I didn't want to confide in you about my problems anymore, because I didn't want your girlfriend to get the wrong idea. Just in case, okay?
  
  
• You may think that I'm distancing myself from you. The answer is a definite yes, but it's not by choice.
  
  
• Why are you being so nice to me? I really appreciate you for being there for me, but it may cause me to have the wrong idea.
  
  
• It's ironic how cancer has helped me to filter my friends - those who really care and those who don't give a shit about me.
  
  
• Also, I found really nice friends. They may be few, but I enjoy talking to them a lot. They know who they are.
  
  
• I don't think you'll ever read this. I really love you as a friend. You said that you love me too. But you never really seem to care.
  
  
• I miss you tremendously as a friend. It's just too bad that you sort of wanted me dead. There's no way I can appreciate that.
  
  
• I know I'm starting to get forgetten by my friends. I know that this gap between them and me is there. We just don't have much in common to talk about anymore. All of you are continuing your studies, while I'm still stuck at home. It makes me terribly lonely and awkward.
  
  
• Some of you are afraid to talk to me because you are afraid of saying the wrong things. I don't blame any of you, but I do miss all of you.
  
  
• Some of you are afraid to talk to me because you think that my cancer is contagious and it'll spread to you if you converse with me. You guys suck.
  
  
• It's not easy being quarantined like this. It hurts that a lot of you think that I'm just locking myself up because I'm bald and feeling ugly. I do feel ugly, but being quarantined is not my fucking choice. Stop fucking blaming me already!!
  
  
• I just feel miserable, tired, and really depressed. I don't mean to blog to rant about all things negative. I said it before, and I'm going to say it again - IT FUCKING HURTS to keep everything to myself.
  
  
• This post is far from concise and of substance.
  
  
• I don't know how to be selfish.
  

3 comment(s):

Post a Comment

I have been having dizzy spells recently. Minor headaches and fatigue are also affecting me once more.

I hate feeling so tired. It makes me feel unproductive when it comes to my personal to-do list. (I compiled this list so that I wouldn't feel kind of useless when it comes to everyday life, i.e. doing nothing because I'm not allowed from doing chores in case my health gets affected. More on that some other time.)

There was this period of time when I felt like I was a normal, healthy person again. I was online every single day without fail, I managed to complete the 30 day meme, I got to talk to some of my friends online too.

Obviously, I got too comfortable with that routine.

I really hate how unstable my health is. Just as I'd gotten used to feeling great and active again, my body shuts down on me and I feel pretty awful.

I know I shouldn't be stressing myself out, but I have so many things that are left undone. To think that I actually set a personal deadline for myself to complete said to-do list. (Deadline's before the start of the new year, anyway.)

I just want to start 2012 afresh. I'm looking forward to a major improvement in my health for the coming new year. I don't want to be too hopeful; with great expectations, comes great disappointments as well if things don't go your way. Some of you might think that I'm viewing the glass as half-empty, but it's not me thinking negatively. I just rather not go through the same kind of frustration, pain, and sadness when I found out that my cancer came back in three short months; I was expecting a full recovery, you see.

I'm sorry to those I have yet to respond online; I feel bad for not replying sooner, and it weighs rather heavily on my heart. (Amanda! I'm so sorry! D:) I'm not exaggerating at all; I just feel obliged to do so, somehow. The fact that I do feel kind of lonely a lot and being cut off from the outside world like this could be another reason as well.

Can't cancer just get out of my life already? It's been here long enough, seriously!

***Being myself makes me look stupid to you. Being defensive makes you view me as someone unfriendly.

I can never please everyone.

It hurts, because I just want to be liked and loved in my own skin.

3 comment(s):

Post a Comment