That's right, this girl is FINALLY fifteen. Happy Birthday, Gurpreet! And trust me, you might think you're young, but remember, you'll be getting your license much slower than us, heh.



Hope you'll stay your crazy, hyper self ;)

And I'm sorry for any past misunderstandings and my bitchiness to you the last time. I wasn't thinking straight. Seriously.

You and Fairuz are so teaching me Spanish after PMR. So that I won't get lost while you guys converse in fluent Spanish. In any case, I think it will do me well if I managed to learn a few more curse words in the language XD Just joking X)

Of course, I hoped you had a great birthday anyway =)

***** With this I officially announce once more my hiatus from the Internet.

PMR is in less than two weeks, and it's time to get down and serious.

I'm praying for the best results anybody can get.

Once again, all the best to all of the PMR students of 2008.

We'll rock the exam.

We better.

Till then.

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Yes people, SHE, is the beat of MY HEART. I don't know what I can do without her. So, none of you take her away from me, she's mine, ALL MINE!

Muahahahahah.

Look at what my darling did for me just now in class :

That's like, so sweet right? I hadn't a clue what was the paper all about when she slipped it into my blazer pocket, so I just let it be till I reached the Physics lab, and I got a very sweet surprise indeed. You made my day Najwa Hanee, and I thank you so freaking much for that :)

And the one on your hand was really an artistic masterpiece. Hahah.

I was also just thinking about what Evonne had mentioned earlier when you came over to our class to visit.

"Najwa, you know, you look like you can be a caring boyfriend you know."

Or something of the sort. But I must say, I actually agree. Hahah.

To end this on a friendly note,

Be JEALOUS, for I have the best and hawttest husband you can ever find ;D

***** And righty, many happy returns to my one and only brother, Xavier. Happy 19th! XD

***** Speaking of birthdays, somebody is celebrating hers tomorrow ;)

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I made some changes to my blog. I'm really way more satisfied with the new additions. Check them out. If you are actually bothered.

*****I told something new to them two, and both had serious emotional outbursts. I..apologize. I never meant to hurt you guys like this, but please, you're this close to making me give up on life altogether. Seeing you guys so upset, really makes me think whether I can even survive or not in the future without the both of you. Thanks for being bothered to even care about my problems.

*****PMR is in I don't know how many days, but approximately TWO WEEKS for me. Oh gawd. I am really not prepared. They all say PMR is easy shit, but I don't know. Anything, I mean, ANYTHING can happen. I am praying damn hard, and mugging however I can. To the rest of the third formers out there, all the best, and after this, we can all PARTY.

*****On a serious note, I think I should expose or highlight to everyone who reads my blog two very important things about me that they should be well aware of.

1. I am very SENSITIVE. I might not show my feelings, but whatever you think may not hurt me, might just very do, and it's just so sore to bear with all this for I-don't-know-how-long already.

2. I'm an ATTENTION FREAK. Needs no more explaination. So pardon my being such a bitchy whore to get my way. And yes, I call myself that. All the time.

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I admit, I haven't been in the best of moods recently.

Like I had said earlier before in my posts, if I seem happy to you, deep down I'm still pretty much emofied, because you're the people I don't show my true inner feelings too. Not that I can't trust you or anything, but I just don't want to bring in more people to know what exactly is going on with me.

So far, I would proudly say, only TWO people that managed to gain my trust know the fate that might face me at the end of the year.

And it's also at the end of this year, the result will be out. Whether I'll still be living among the living or not.

To these two, are the people that really mean a lot to me and I felt that they have a right to know firsthand.

If you, yes, YOU, the one who's reading my blog post right now at this very second, think that you are one of those who think they had not been told of this So-Called Huge Secret, pardon me. I may tell you when I'm ready, and that's about it.

To YOU. You were the very first to know, and at that moment you were by my side watching me shed tears in front of you for the very first time. The news was still quite fresh that time and I haven't really got the idea to my head yet. I really couldn't hold back the emotions any longer, so I broke down in front of you. And only you. The people that I had thought really cared for me didn't even witness me crying, thank heavens for that, in fact. Again, thank you. You know I'm eternally grateful to you.

To YOU. I just told you about it recently, when the problem reappeared all over again. For the first time after all this time, I really felt cared by you again. You even took the initiative to call me to know the details, and even if I didn't show it, but that call really helped me a little, emotion-wise. Adding the fact that you still play an important role in my life, as I had known you for almost 60% of my life. Thanks for your support, and I hope we get to stay friends at least instead of verbally abusing each other half the time when we actually talk. You can be a good friend, I just wished you weren't so indecisive, confused, and all the other cons you have, but thank gooseness, what you just did for me just made all that up. And I won't say I'm perfect either.

Too bad I can't rant about this So-Called Huge Secret here, or it would be so much easier with the crazy messed-up emotions I have now. Harhar.

***** On the other hand, I'm glad that Narishma and Naomi finally made peace.

And anyway, Narishma and I had a heated fight in Naomi's tagbox. Booyeah, wasn't it catty! But then, it got settled somehow so yeah, that's over. Phew.

And I know how so many people in school, especially the blogging community started ragging on about this drama, and I had to rub more salt into the wound by making known of my honest opinions of the whole situation. Adding the fact that I wasn't in the mood already in the first place, I was practically a very unhappy human.

And to Najwa, I know you're damn worried about Interact, but honestly, you don't have to worry that much. Interact will be Interact, personal matters will stay personal. Even if Narishma and I are still in the midst of war, which thankfully is over I guess, I won't let personal matters get into the way of work. Especially the fact I want SIGS's Interact club to succeed just as freaking much as you all do. So yeah, one part of the problem solved.

And to everybody, I hence officially apologize for making a huge commotion out of this, and you all can be relieved now, 'cos it's over.

***** And Najwa, I know it's selfish of me to ask you to make me cry. I had my reasons. And I think you know them really well.

Seriously, I never felt a rush of emotions similar to this ever before in my entire 15 years living on planet Earth. It's the effect of being a teenager, I can just freaking feel it.

I finally understand so many things that teenagers find so hard to solve and decide, yet the solution is plastered right on their faces.

I'm just sorry for my catty behaviour. Let's just face this, I'm a BITCH.

Since I started to appreciate life going through it as an ordinary teenager who doesn't think too much on the trials and tribulations of teenagedom, I had been becoming a total air-head and a dumb bimbo, or in easier words, turning LALA.

You know what? I want to say sorry, but seeing my entire blog post is going to be made up of 'sorries', and ending up sounding like a certain somebody, so yeah. And, sorry doesn't help in anything.

Sometimes I feel I resemble that person sometimes. Sigh.

And, I noticed you had been really quiet. Maybe it's 'cos you're fasting and you need to save the energy, or it may be 'cos of your flu, but seriously, you're getting a wee bit too quiet, and that's not the Najwa I exactly know. I'm actually intimidated by you to talk to you.

I'm..really afraid.

This isn't the first time this is happening.

So, if you need time alone, I don't mind, 'cos I think I'll just irritate and annoy the heck out of you.

*****Goshness, somebody please knock me on the head and bring me back to the world of sensibility and tolerance.

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The one and only Le Nutcase fou, Humid the Nutcase, Naomi Mentzer =)

Since the pro-blogger dedicated an entire blog post to me once more, I shall do it again too. In case you didn't know, she did an entry for me before, and I did the favour back to her too, but because of my severe boredom and uncreative mind, I asked Naomi to do an entry about me, so here I am, replying her post again. Haha.

The portfolio.

She's officially a debater, and a good one at that.

She LOVES the Click 5.

Did I mention that she's a natural in editing pictures as well? X)

And now, the history of how I got to know this cool nutcase.

Frankly, I really can't remember knowing her in Form 1, but only got to know her starting the year 2007.

Officially from SIGS IU Day 2007, I managed to talk to her, but not much as how I remember it.

Following that was Hari Keusahawanan, which we had a rocking time camwhoring in class XD

Next we worked together for the drama which we presented in FOA 2007, and hell yeah, we got the gold! Together with the la gente from the Drama Crew as well. Which reminds me, we have to claim our title once more next year, I swear, we have to.

We were also there for Apsara's farewell, and we managed to take some pics here, but I'm not going to upload them as she just looks great while I look like some fake. So there, heh.

Then, the new year brought in more things with Miss Mentzer in it =D


Sports Day this year was a blast, thanks to her and the rest of the la gente there to go through it all with me. Lol.

She was right by my side for 6 out of the 7 rounds for IIUM 2008, and did she whipped the idiocy of some of the nonsensical debators there! XD

We added a new word to our already existed vocabulary, much credit to Michelle-sensei XDD

And had the time of the life spending a whole week for IIUM 2008. I missed those times, except the last two days of course =/

We also went for both SDJ's..

..and SSI's IU.

And last but definitely and never would be the least, another latest from the quite recent Unity Run aka Larian Merdeka SIGS 2008.

Conclusion, she's a really great friend, she had been with me when I was going through some of the greatest and most unforgettable events in life, and her practicality, which is way more practical than my own, keeps me on my feet when I'm this close to floating away to crapdom.

Sh also puts her friends first before herself, has a firm stand on what she believes in, and I respect her for that =D

And that is why I regard Naomi as a great friend who will be there for me through thick and thin =]

By the way, she just went through a major issue, but since she has decided to put it behind her, I won't mention so much about it here.

But, to you Naomi, if you need any verbal support you know you have me XD

Note to the two important people involved.

Names shall not be mentioned as to avoid another political war among us peeps.

To YOU. I'm not close to you at all. I admit I shouldn't judge you too quickly as well. But, I think I know without having to ask a lot. You just blew your top in Naomi's tagbox like it was nobody's business. Hell, you even exposed your name in CAPITAL. Wouldn't that make you look even worse in the eyes of her readers? I bet you didn't think of that. I mean, who would have a clear mind after reading an entry specially for you regarding problems like that? In any case, I just hope you can reconcile with Naomi as it's just not worth ruining an awesome friendship for that, you hear?

To YOU. I thought you were a great friend. You confided some problems with me, and I was there. You are one of the few that can give the smile back on my face when I'm sad. When I see you in events, you never fail to make me laugh like some insane person that escaped from the nearest home for the mentally retarded. But truly, you had disappointed me. A lot. You had failed in your duty, you had betrayed my trust. Especially hers. You had broken your promises, you went back on your word. I don't know how am I going to face you ever again the same way like before. Only time will tell.

To think I had an issue with her too. I'm glad we solved the problem, I have to be really mad for even thinking that. Forgive the sensitivity. Bear with me alrighty? XDD

So, everyone, you have now known, the amazing, the unique, the only.

Naomi 'the Humid Nutcase' Mentzer.

Hope you enjoyed ;)

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Definitely, first of all, my most sincere, deepest and heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Lai Ying Xin, who passed on in the most undesirable and cruel conditions.

I'm sure you guys had read the papers, heard the news, watched it on TV, to know the full story.

Since my brother actually blogged about this as well, I thought I should do the same, for no reasons of because I'm out of ideas to blog, but just because I felt it's my duty. Besides, I would be inhumane like her murderers if I don't even care about this major incident.

And knowing that it's all on home ground too.

Let's all recite a silent prayer for her. May she rest in peace, knowing how hard that would be after enduring much pain.

And for those beastly animals, you shall be gravely punished. If not now, your next life. Or in Hell of course, for you have sinned.

*****Can't blog any further. To Le Nutcase fou, I am terribly sorry for another delay. Watch out for my entry on Saturday. I shall blog by then. I definitely will.

Personal issues. Hmmmm. I will leave it to Saturday, it shall all be revealed by then.

Till then.

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Yes, I realized that I never did a proper entry for you, about you.

Since you were asked to did this lovely wonderful entry for me, featuring me, I already feel like a much better person already, 'cos I hardly know anybody that's willing to actually do something nice and thoughtful for me =)

At some times, you may be just the Queen of Hawtnessity, showing off your grace to us, and proclaiming your greatness to us all, and find that bullying poor Sze May outta her mind is an honour for her to appreciate actually, but anyways, truth is, we all miss your complimenting yourself and your crazy actions.

ESPECIALLY ME.

Even though I'm the one who moans the most about it, complain so much about it, whine like hell over it, but yeah, even more when there's hardly ANYTHING to moan about except PMR, and frankly, you can certify me as brain-dead soon enough.

And the fact that I just read your blog with your super sweet entry about our 200th made me think, if I don't complete this entry before PMR, I'm a total bitch. Yes, I can call myself that. Indeed.

Enough me talking, let's get started.

THE MINI PORTFOLIO.


Till now I wonder how practical Jeeha can actually bear with this particular sister of hers for 12 years. LOL.

Trivia : Did anybody noticed that she wore the same grey top when she took photos for both series? Eheh.

Note : Why only a mini portfolio of hers truly? Because I think we had already seen enough of her XD Just kidding. I MISS HER TO BITS since we got separated from the evil streaming, but seeing the real Najwa Hanee seems way better than just seeing the pictures, so there you go! XDD

So, I knew this girl when we were in 1M2 together, and we only started talking a lot after the year end exams. Heh.

Then we got separated in Form 2.

Next, we were in morning session together this year.

Now, separated all over again due to the evil streaming.

That's the very brief history, yearh.

I first knew her as the Killer Bunny. (refer to her Friendster profile and find that picture, heh.)

Then, she helped out for the only IU SIGS ever had, I think if I'm not wrong, as the mascot and the usher (I think) with her sis Nazee.

After that, debate brought us together unofficially, when SHE declared us Husband and Wifey ;)

Then, we were both involved in Public Speaking as well, but thank goodness not as the participants of course. Phew.




And now, as both of us are involved in Interact, we'll be seeing more of each other, and somebody tell me, is that actually good or bad? XD We'll see.

Yeah Najwa, I'm sorry too. If I sound cranky all the time. And being so insensitive about your problems. I may have said that so many times already, but heck, I'm sorry. So far, I can be totally honest with myself, you're really the one that had been super tolerant with me, and I'm thankful to have a hubby like you. Really.

And I'll be truthful about another thing.

I always criticize people who won't let their close friends, or more commonly, best friends go all chummy and too friendly with other friends, because you're not only restricted to one friend only, you have a right to mingle with other friends. But yeah, truthfully, I'm one of those people who restricts friends like that.

Truthfully, I can't afford to lose you.

Because I told you too much about myself, and you know all my weaknesses, and the fact that you are the only one I pour my whole heart to, I really get jealous easily. And I know so many other people who are like that, right in our lives, and now I can say I totally understand how these people feel.

What to do, you're the Royal Hawtness what. XD

And thanks to Geetha dear, now I have the title of Divalicious as well ;)

Again, I'm also bestowed with the title of Your Royal Gorgeousity, though I must say, I'm not that gorgeous as they say, they flatter me. Looking for the gorgeous factor? Look at these two, Geetha's the real Miss Gorgeous, while we're talking about Miss Hawtnessity here. Heh.

Belated 200th I think, on my blog that is, which was on the 6th of September.

So, to end this post, and to really get going on my hiatus,

The King and Queen of Major Royalty - may this Royal Couple not go into any more unnecessary disputes and petty arguments.

And of course, stay a Royal Couple ;D

Your Royal Hawtnessity and Your Royal Gorgeousity! (since I had been given the title, might as well accept it? XD)

Heart you so much. (though I don't show it. Heh.)

*****And now, on to my hiatus, in peace, without any worries of putting this post off.

Will miss you guys.

That actually care. Huhu.

You know who you all are ;)

Cheers!

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Literally.

"This blogger hereby is officially going on a hiatus from the very addictive online world till the D-days (PMR) are over. For good.

All delayed entries shall be posted up one by one, for sure, after the very depressing yet quite important exams as this blogger will be given unlimited online hours by then.

Hopefully."

And lastly, to all fellow third formers out there, I wish you all the best to survive D-days.

With much love and regret,
Mindel Trance.

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Tagged by the one and only Green Cheese ;)

It's been LONG since the last time somebody tagged me. Nobody around my peers who are bloggers pass on their tags to me anyway, so yearh, thanks Geetha. Lol.

START.

1. What is your favourite chocolate?
Chocolates are an okay for me in general. Except those types which are incredibly too sweet or taste too fake. Almost plastic-like I believe. The poorly made ones I mean. I don't have a favourite, but give me a Kit Kat, Ferrero Rocher, Kinder Bueno, Kinder Surprise (do they still sell these??) or a Cadbury bar, and this blogger's pretty much satisfied. ;)

2. What are your 3 favourite colours?
If I really had to choose. Because I like all colours, and no reason to hate any of them unless they're combined together to form the worst colour combo you can lay your eyes on. Green. Black. Red.

3. Who is the last person you talked to?
Mumsie.

4. Who is the last person you messaged?
Fathini asking for today's timetable. At 6 am. Thanks to her I managed to actually drag myself out of bed because if she didn't messaged me, I would be still zzz-ing my life away, 'cos I accidentally set my alarm to 6.30 instead of 5.30. X)

5. Who was the first person you talked to when you woke up today?
Mumsie again.

6. Who is the first person you messaged when you woke up today?
Anith.

7. How many messages you received when you woke up today?
Three.

8. Who messaged you when you woke up today?
What is it with surveys and tags that always repeat their question(s)? Running out of ideas is it?

9. Who do you wanna talk to now?
Nobody in particular. Anybody that starts the conversation I guess, 'cos I'd never been a very interesting person to talk to, nor somebody who can keep the conversation going.

10. Who do you wanna see right now?
A certain someone.

11. Why do you wanna see that person now?
To clear up past misunderstandings and clarify whatever doubts we have left. Also, to get our feelings and emotions sorted too.

12. What relationship are you with that person you wanna see now?
A great friend. Who's also my enemy. And a hundred other different relationships we may be having, or once had.

13. If you could hug someone now, who will it be?
Najwa. She's very huggable. X)

14. What are you doing now?
In general, blogging. On the other hand, keeping my emotions in check and trying to get some History facts in.

15. What colour shirt are you wearing now?
Dark blue.

16. Are you attached?
Technically, yes. I'm MARRIED to Her Royal Hawtnessity, Najwa Hanee Hazza. Heart you, dear. (x

17. Anyone you like?
Of course. You are saying like in general, right?

18. Who do you like?
Referring to my previous answer, almost everybody that knows me. I don't want to state who I like or dislike, for if you know me well enough, you should know well enough too.

19. What phone are you using?
Nokia 6120 Classic. In pearl white.

20. How much money do you have in your wallet now?
Hmmm. Enough to let me survive for the week. Why should you know anyway? If you really want to, try and get close to laying your hands on my wallet. Let me rephrase this particular word again. TRY.

21. What do you love looking at?
Great artwork. Awesome photography, especially by Aiko273 and Autopsy Jude of course. A magnificent scenery of the city, or the outside. Anything that I can view in many different perspectives.

22. Who is the last guy you hugged?
Question : Have I even hugged a guy before?

23. If you can choose to do something now, what would you do?
Find a method to ensure flying colours. 'Cos I really need that rainbow to enlighten my journey, while I continue rotting in high school waiting for the day when I can finally get out.

24. How are you feeling now?
Exhausted actually. Cracking your brains solving approximately 140 mathematical sums isn't what I call energizing at all.

25. If you can turn back time 3 times, where will it be?
The 6 Sri 1 class of 2005, IIUM 2008, SSI.

26. Who are you thinking of?
For now? At-Izzay. Thanks for making my life eventful as well, just on a lower scale by the way. Thanks.

27. What are the 3 things you want to forget?
Embarassing situations, getting killed at the bus stop in Gombak, shunned by society on the last day of IIUM 2008.

28. Who makes you happy?
Friends. My REAL friends. Full stop.

29. What is next to you?
My History revision book.

30. Last show you watched?
5 Jingga.

31. How many people are you talking to now?
Nobody at all.

32. If you can change something in your life..what will it be?
The current Education Minister.

33. Do you have pets?
I used to have hamsters. And there's Ddangae the cat that had already eloped with another feline to Saujana. Useless child. =.= And you blame ME Najwa. Hmmph.

34. What do you feel like eating now?
Nothing. I just ate dinner.

35. Who are the 7 people you tag?
Nobody. I leave it to anyone who wants to do this tag, for I think nobody would be online now that it's going to be D-Days, but of course, to the two still active bloggers for now, Najwa and Naomi.

I would like to tag Geetha again, but nope, I can't.

Can't tag Guppy and Veena either, they're already tagged.

So, anyways.

END.

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STOP.

Well, I highly advise you to move along now if you're not interested in seeing a fifteen year old rant her life out.

Not like it's my problem anyway.

As some of you might know, I promised to start on my entries concerning the topics I had featured in my previous entry.

But, I'd decided that could wait.

For now, it's me, myself and I.

If anybody had noticed today, or any other day actually, I had been a very cranky, depressed, unhappy and emofied girl.

Or if you say no to the aforementioned statement, you instead are always spotting me as a happy-go-lucky individual who goes high at the most inappropriate time, laughs out loud at the smallest joke and look like the average teen girl next door.

Now you shall know.

The truth behind that facade, is a weakling crying out loud in her heart, and is just trying to show off a brave front, to avoid being looked down upon.

Frankly, I'm going through the not so great phase of my teenage life.

I feel broken.

I feel like trash.

I feel like crap.

I feel like a dumbass.

I totally ruined my own life.

But it's also thanks to some certain issues in my life that made it happen.

I'd just read a very much respected friend's blog, and that would be Autopsy Jude.

I agree with two things that I myself am facing at this very moment you're reading this, and for how long I have no idea.

And I quote from her,

"but you know how when aspergians/austic people lose their talent when their social skills improve?"

I have no idea, I may be one of them, but I had realized indeed how I'd lost this very important talent now that I had learnt how to socialize a little, since I wasn't a very talkative person in the first place.

I had been taught to observe.

To understand.

But now, I'm losing my talent by gaining the power of speech.

The talent of being myself.

I suck, I know.

Call me a loser, I won't deny it.

Label me freak, I don't mind.

Name me two-faced, that's me.

Accept it. In fact, I can gladly announce that I have MORE than two faces.

So, don't say I didn't warn you.

You may be asking me, why the need for so many identities?

Well, I would say that, it's because I'm trying to learn to adapt to different everyday situations.

In case you may never noticed, I disappeared from everyones' sights in Form 2, because I was trying so hard to search for who I really am.

The real me that I had lost.

And which I thought I gained back.

But now, I think need to slip away into nothingness again, and do some soul-searching.

'Cos there's no point in living like this, actually.

But really, it won't be as simple as I think.

I'm already ADDICTED to the thing called ATTENTION already.

Always had been.

It's in my horoscope, for goodness's sake.

For your information, I'm a Taurean.

The bull.

I'm stubborn.

I'm hard-headed.

I'm also insecure.

I'm slowly losing my friends, one by one.

Some are my real friends, the true blue ones, but now everything seems so awkward when we talk. It's not like the last time anymore.

Honestly, I think I'd already lost all of my real friends.

The ones who would always be by my side.

But I had failed them in a way.

I had apologize, but they don't even give me a reaction.

Whether they had forgiven me.

Or still grudging against me.

Tell you the truth, I have no idea at all.

Some of my so-called friends, who always said they will always be by my side, no matter what happens.

Yeah, seems so when I gained credit for something that I'd done, you all come in to share the prize, the glamour, the fame, the glitz.

When I'm down in the dumps, you may try to seem attentive by asking me whether I'm alright.

And I answer it's all fine, you'll ask me why.

That's when I thought I can confide in you, trust you with my problems, despite the fact I had never believed in friends that will go with you through thick and thin.

The moment I mouthed out my first word, your attention would be on another, and I would had found out that I was just talking to thin air all this time.

Another minority of you might think that I'm only hanging out with the populazzi because of the fame and fortune.

Figures.

Sadly, that's just the general perception.

Had anybody bothered to come up to me to ask me WHY?

No.

I just wish that people would just approach me, tell me what's the freaking problem they find with me, and let me get some feedback at least.

I might change if it's really an attitude problem on my side, but then again, I can't satisfy everyone.

But.

Nobody bothers.

There are those minority of the people who do not want to hear your comments, yet you just give it to them without them consenting.

I'm one of those people who wants to know what you all think about, but everybody is just shunning me off.

Can't anybody just be honest with me?

What's the use of stabbing each other in the back and dissing and bitching about the rest? It won't change anything at all.

*****
You know how is it when you finally get to rant to somebody who's willing to listen at last, but the whole situation turns around and seems to make you look like the fibber?

Everything seems to be so peaceful and perfect then.

I'd experienced it so many times, I swear I lost count.

It just happened today again.

Somebody was a clear witness, and I don't blame you for giving me the cold shoulder.

But seriously, all this perfection always end in just a span of one day.

OR.

When you finally believed that somebody's being nice to you, the niceness will fade away just at that moment when you're so bloody convinced the world's getting better a whole damn last.

Interesting, eh?

You wouldn't understand if it never happened to you before.

*****
Some personal rants to random people.

To YOU, thanks for being honest with me. Even though it wasn't so much. But I got half the picture at least.

To YOU, on the other hand, are NOT being honest with me so far, because even if you are, I seriously have no clear idea at all. You can personally just tell me what's wrong, even though I already know what's wrong, but seriously, if it's entirely my fault, you're very capable of just shutting me up with your direct way of speech. It's that easy for you. Really, I mean no sarcasm. I still vaguely remember that you had mentioned to me once or twice that once you hate, dislike, or have a grudge on somebody, you'll never get to bring yourself to try to be even an acquaintance to that particular person anymore, if you can help it. If you can get what I'm trying to say, let me ask you, am I now among that category of people? Please, tell me. I really think it's better to resolve any indifferences between us than let us hang like that, everytime I see you, it's just so awkward, we can't even say hi without a slight cringe your face. And that's when I'll feel all uncomfortable talking to you.

To YOU. You were always the lackey the last time, I won't deny that. Now, you had gained all immense popularity, fame and the X Factor of teenagers our age. All of us are actually shocked at the change in you, from the meek timid follower to the dominator, who still have the follower traits actually but it's just not that obvious anymore. You used to sort of follow people around, and now, it seems that it's my turn. Like I said, it only SEEMS. I'll never bow down low to you, and even if I do, it's only a cover to show that I may look all goody two-shoes and all, but you better not remove that shield of yours, for you shall crumble one day due to your own behaviour.

YOU. You share, I can say, almost all of your deepest darkest secrets and problems with me, and I can say that I trust you with mine too. But I realized one thing. I may sound selfish, but you are sometimes too. I mean, who in the world isn't selfish now? Everybody wants everything and anything that benefits them for sure. Don't even deny it. It's reality. I'm always the listener, and actually, I can't deny I'm naturally born for this role, even the juniors come to me sometimes for apparent counselling sessions. Yeah, I can actually help others, giving the sanest of sane advice, but I can't even help myself. How ironic. And I digress. Basically, I don't blame you, since your life is definitely more eventful and exciting than mine, but I feel that I'm only needed when you need to rant. You never sensed that I need to talk to you till I make myself so obvious to your oblivious eyes. But by the time you decided to get me talking, it's too late, for I would have chosen to bottle my emotions all up and let myself suffer alone. It's so hard talking to you nowadays, for I don't really find myself comfortable around you anymore, let alone other people.

I don't even care if you ever find out your identity here already.

And I'm still sorry if you're offended.

But hey, does anybody care when I'm hurt?

When nobody cares for me?

No.

'Cos I already know I'm going to lose everyone one day. And the day has come I believe.

*****Autopsy Jude had also mentioned this in her entry.

And I quote once more,

"now im starting to think if this is normal. because usually people go through this depressing phase when their 15."

And hell yeah, I totally agree with that.

I had never realized how true that statement is till she wrote it down in black and white in her entry, and frankly, it just hit me like that.

I mean, I known a few seniors, especially this guy from my primary school, who's really mean to me and all, and will try to get me in trouble whenever he could. Until last year, when he was a third former, he started being all nice to me, and the then still immature me was going, I bet he hit his head against the wall or something, for he was being insanely nice.

What I'm trying to say is, the major issues of teenagedom occur at 15 apparently, and I'm feeling it. So much.

All the emotions.

All the random thoughts in my brains clashing with each other.

All the not so witty remarks that I have to learn in order to survive life as a teenager.

All the rebellious moves that I had made in order to get my way.

All the pain of the strongest emotion comes back to me all over again.

Although it is very much impossible to do so, all I want now is to stop time.

STOP all this issues coming in from different directions at 200km/h, maybe more.

STOP them all, right at the millisecond when they are just a few inches from causing the biggest collision ever.

STOP, so I can think in peace.

STOP, so I can do some soul-searching.

STOP, so I can find my true identity in this world.

STOP, so I can figure out what was the reason I'm brought into this seemingly cruel and evil reality.

*****Before I get sued for copyright issues, first picture is Stop by tfavretto and Stop the Time by Xemistry is the second picture used.

Now, let me just creep back into the midst of fantasy, and be the escapist.

For once.

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Okay, this will be another pre-entry, with my apologies to Naomi Mentzer and Najwa Hunny especially, for they are expecting me to blog real good stuff, to them apparently, heheh.

So yeah, the title says it all.

A preview of what is going to be shown here on my blog.

There shall be three spotlights.

There will be a trial separation starting officially from tomorrow.

There are some rants and everyday problems of not so average teenagers.

And last, but definitely not the least, life theorems and equations to form another live drama.

Till then.

By the way, to all the Muslims who read my blog, especially Najwa, happy fasting yearh. Heh.

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

That's right, this girl is FINALLY fifteen. Happy Birthday, Gurpreet! And trust me, you might think you're young, but remember, you'll be getting your license much slower than us, heh.



Hope you'll stay your crazy, hyper self ;)

And I'm sorry for any past misunderstandings and my bitchiness to you the last time. I wasn't thinking straight. Seriously.

You and Fairuz are so teaching me Spanish after PMR. So that I won't get lost while you guys converse in fluent Spanish. In any case, I think it will do me well if I managed to learn a few more curse words in the language XD Just joking X)

Of course, I hoped you had a great birthday anyway =)

***** With this I officially announce once more my hiatus from the Internet.

PMR is in less than two weeks, and it's time to get down and serious.

I'm praying for the best results anybody can get.

Once again, all the best to all of the PMR students of 2008.

We'll rock the exam.

We better.

Till then.

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Yes people, SHE, is the beat of MY HEART. I don't know what I can do without her. So, none of you take her away from me, she's mine, ALL MINE!

Muahahahahah.

Look at what my darling did for me just now in class :

That's like, so sweet right? I hadn't a clue what was the paper all about when she slipped it into my blazer pocket, so I just let it be till I reached the Physics lab, and I got a very sweet surprise indeed. You made my day Najwa Hanee, and I thank you so freaking much for that :)

And the one on your hand was really an artistic masterpiece. Hahah.

I was also just thinking about what Evonne had mentioned earlier when you came over to our class to visit.

"Najwa, you know, you look like you can be a caring boyfriend you know."

Or something of the sort. But I must say, I actually agree. Hahah.

To end this on a friendly note,

Be JEALOUS, for I have the best and hawttest husband you can ever find ;D

***** And righty, many happy returns to my one and only brother, Xavier. Happy 19th! XD

***** Speaking of birthdays, somebody is celebrating hers tomorrow ;)

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I made some changes to my blog. I'm really way more satisfied with the new additions. Check them out. If you are actually bothered.

*****I told something new to them two, and both had serious emotional outbursts. I..apologize. I never meant to hurt you guys like this, but please, you're this close to making me give up on life altogether. Seeing you guys so upset, really makes me think whether I can even survive or not in the future without the both of you. Thanks for being bothered to even care about my problems.

*****PMR is in I don't know how many days, but approximately TWO WEEKS for me. Oh gawd. I am really not prepared. They all say PMR is easy shit, but I don't know. Anything, I mean, ANYTHING can happen. I am praying damn hard, and mugging however I can. To the rest of the third formers out there, all the best, and after this, we can all PARTY.

*****On a serious note, I think I should expose or highlight to everyone who reads my blog two very important things about me that they should be well aware of.

1. I am very SENSITIVE. I might not show my feelings, but whatever you think may not hurt me, might just very do, and it's just so sore to bear with all this for I-don't-know-how-long already.

2. I'm an ATTENTION FREAK. Needs no more explaination. So pardon my being such a bitchy whore to get my way. And yes, I call myself that. All the time.

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I admit, I haven't been in the best of moods recently.

Like I had said earlier before in my posts, if I seem happy to you, deep down I'm still pretty much emofied, because you're the people I don't show my true inner feelings too. Not that I can't trust you or anything, but I just don't want to bring in more people to know what exactly is going on with me.

So far, I would proudly say, only TWO people that managed to gain my trust know the fate that might face me at the end of the year.

And it's also at the end of this year, the result will be out. Whether I'll still be living among the living or not.

To these two, are the people that really mean a lot to me and I felt that they have a right to know firsthand.

If you, yes, YOU, the one who's reading my blog post right now at this very second, think that you are one of those who think they had not been told of this So-Called Huge Secret, pardon me. I may tell you when I'm ready, and that's about it.

To YOU. You were the very first to know, and at that moment you were by my side watching me shed tears in front of you for the very first time. The news was still quite fresh that time and I haven't really got the idea to my head yet. I really couldn't hold back the emotions any longer, so I broke down in front of you. And only you. The people that I had thought really cared for me didn't even witness me crying, thank heavens for that, in fact. Again, thank you. You know I'm eternally grateful to you.

To YOU. I just told you about it recently, when the problem reappeared all over again. For the first time after all this time, I really felt cared by you again. You even took the initiative to call me to know the details, and even if I didn't show it, but that call really helped me a little, emotion-wise. Adding the fact that you still play an important role in my life, as I had known you for almost 60% of my life. Thanks for your support, and I hope we get to stay friends at least instead of verbally abusing each other half the time when we actually talk. You can be a good friend, I just wished you weren't so indecisive, confused, and all the other cons you have, but thank gooseness, what you just did for me just made all that up. And I won't say I'm perfect either.

Too bad I can't rant about this So-Called Huge Secret here, or it would be so much easier with the crazy messed-up emotions I have now. Harhar.

***** On the other hand, I'm glad that Narishma and Naomi finally made peace.

And anyway, Narishma and I had a heated fight in Naomi's tagbox. Booyeah, wasn't it catty! But then, it got settled somehow so yeah, that's over. Phew.

And I know how so many people in school, especially the blogging community started ragging on about this drama, and I had to rub more salt into the wound by making known of my honest opinions of the whole situation. Adding the fact that I wasn't in the mood already in the first place, I was practically a very unhappy human.

And to Najwa, I know you're damn worried about Interact, but honestly, you don't have to worry that much. Interact will be Interact, personal matters will stay personal. Even if Narishma and I are still in the midst of war, which thankfully is over I guess, I won't let personal matters get into the way of work. Especially the fact I want SIGS's Interact club to succeed just as freaking much as you all do. So yeah, one part of the problem solved.

And to everybody, I hence officially apologize for making a huge commotion out of this, and you all can be relieved now, 'cos it's over.

***** And Najwa, I know it's selfish of me to ask you to make me cry. I had my reasons. And I think you know them really well.

Seriously, I never felt a rush of emotions similar to this ever before in my entire 15 years living on planet Earth. It's the effect of being a teenager, I can just freaking feel it.

I finally understand so many things that teenagers find so hard to solve and decide, yet the solution is plastered right on their faces.

I'm just sorry for my catty behaviour. Let's just face this, I'm a BITCH.

Since I started to appreciate life going through it as an ordinary teenager who doesn't think too much on the trials and tribulations of teenagedom, I had been becoming a total air-head and a dumb bimbo, or in easier words, turning LALA.

You know what? I want to say sorry, but seeing my entire blog post is going to be made up of 'sorries', and ending up sounding like a certain somebody, so yeah. And, sorry doesn't help in anything.

Sometimes I feel I resemble that person sometimes. Sigh.

And, I noticed you had been really quiet. Maybe it's 'cos you're fasting and you need to save the energy, or it may be 'cos of your flu, but seriously, you're getting a wee bit too quiet, and that's not the Najwa I exactly know. I'm actually intimidated by you to talk to you.

I'm..really afraid.

This isn't the first time this is happening.

So, if you need time alone, I don't mind, 'cos I think I'll just irritate and annoy the heck out of you.

*****Goshness, somebody please knock me on the head and bring me back to the world of sensibility and tolerance.

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The one and only Le Nutcase fou, Humid the Nutcase, Naomi Mentzer =)

Since the pro-blogger dedicated an entire blog post to me once more, I shall do it again too. In case you didn't know, she did an entry for me before, and I did the favour back to her too, but because of my severe boredom and uncreative mind, I asked Naomi to do an entry about me, so here I am, replying her post again. Haha.

The portfolio.

She's officially a debater, and a good one at that.

She LOVES the Click 5.

Did I mention that she's a natural in editing pictures as well? X)

And now, the history of how I got to know this cool nutcase.

Frankly, I really can't remember knowing her in Form 1, but only got to know her starting the year 2007.

Officially from SIGS IU Day 2007, I managed to talk to her, but not much as how I remember it.

Following that was Hari Keusahawanan, which we had a rocking time camwhoring in class XD

Next we worked together for the drama which we presented in FOA 2007, and hell yeah, we got the gold! Together with the la gente from the Drama Crew as well. Which reminds me, we have to claim our title once more next year, I swear, we have to.

We were also there for Apsara's farewell, and we managed to take some pics here, but I'm not going to upload them as she just looks great while I look like some fake. So there, heh.

Then, the new year brought in more things with Miss Mentzer in it =D


Sports Day this year was a blast, thanks to her and the rest of the la gente there to go through it all with me. Lol.

She was right by my side for 6 out of the 7 rounds for IIUM 2008, and did she whipped the idiocy of some of the nonsensical debators there! XD

We added a new word to our already existed vocabulary, much credit to Michelle-sensei XDD

And had the time of the life spending a whole week for IIUM 2008. I missed those times, except the last two days of course =/

We also went for both SDJ's..

..and SSI's IU.

And last but definitely and never would be the least, another latest from the quite recent Unity Run aka Larian Merdeka SIGS 2008.

Conclusion, she's a really great friend, she had been with me when I was going through some of the greatest and most unforgettable events in life, and her practicality, which is way more practical than my own, keeps me on my feet when I'm this close to floating away to crapdom.

Sh also puts her friends first before herself, has a firm stand on what she believes in, and I respect her for that =D

And that is why I regard Naomi as a great friend who will be there for me through thick and thin =]

By the way, she just went through a major issue, but since she has decided to put it behind her, I won't mention so much about it here.

But, to you Naomi, if you need any verbal support you know you have me XD

Note to the two important people involved.

Names shall not be mentioned as to avoid another political war among us peeps.

To YOU. I'm not close to you at all. I admit I shouldn't judge you too quickly as well. But, I think I know without having to ask a lot. You just blew your top in Naomi's tagbox like it was nobody's business. Hell, you even exposed your name in CAPITAL. Wouldn't that make you look even worse in the eyes of her readers? I bet you didn't think of that. I mean, who would have a clear mind after reading an entry specially for you regarding problems like that? In any case, I just hope you can reconcile with Naomi as it's just not worth ruining an awesome friendship for that, you hear?

To YOU. I thought you were a great friend. You confided some problems with me, and I was there. You are one of the few that can give the smile back on my face when I'm sad. When I see you in events, you never fail to make me laugh like some insane person that escaped from the nearest home for the mentally retarded. But truly, you had disappointed me. A lot. You had failed in your duty, you had betrayed my trust. Especially hers. You had broken your promises, you went back on your word. I don't know how am I going to face you ever again the same way like before. Only time will tell.

To think I had an issue with her too. I'm glad we solved the problem, I have to be really mad for even thinking that. Forgive the sensitivity. Bear with me alrighty? XDD

So, everyone, you have now known, the amazing, the unique, the only.

Naomi 'the Humid Nutcase' Mentzer.

Hope you enjoyed ;)

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Definitely, first of all, my most sincere, deepest and heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Lai Ying Xin, who passed on in the most undesirable and cruel conditions.

I'm sure you guys had read the papers, heard the news, watched it on TV, to know the full story.

Since my brother actually blogged about this as well, I thought I should do the same, for no reasons of because I'm out of ideas to blog, but just because I felt it's my duty. Besides, I would be inhumane like her murderers if I don't even care about this major incident.

And knowing that it's all on home ground too.

Let's all recite a silent prayer for her. May she rest in peace, knowing how hard that would be after enduring much pain.

And for those beastly animals, you shall be gravely punished. If not now, your next life. Or in Hell of course, for you have sinned.

*****Can't blog any further. To Le Nutcase fou, I am terribly sorry for another delay. Watch out for my entry on Saturday. I shall blog by then. I definitely will.

Personal issues. Hmmmm. I will leave it to Saturday, it shall all be revealed by then.

Till then.

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Yes, I realized that I never did a proper entry for you, about you.

Since you were asked to did this lovely wonderful entry for me, featuring me, I already feel like a much better person already, 'cos I hardly know anybody that's willing to actually do something nice and thoughtful for me =)

At some times, you may be just the Queen of Hawtnessity, showing off your grace to us, and proclaiming your greatness to us all, and find that bullying poor Sze May outta her mind is an honour for her to appreciate actually, but anyways, truth is, we all miss your complimenting yourself and your crazy actions.

ESPECIALLY ME.

Even though I'm the one who moans the most about it, complain so much about it, whine like hell over it, but yeah, even more when there's hardly ANYTHING to moan about except PMR, and frankly, you can certify me as brain-dead soon enough.

And the fact that I just read your blog with your super sweet entry about our 200th made me think, if I don't complete this entry before PMR, I'm a total bitch. Yes, I can call myself that. Indeed.

Enough me talking, let's get started.

THE MINI PORTFOLIO.


Till now I wonder how practical Jeeha can actually bear with this particular sister of hers for 12 years. LOL.

Trivia : Did anybody noticed that she wore the same grey top when she took photos for both series? Eheh.

Note : Why only a mini portfolio of hers truly? Because I think we had already seen enough of her XD Just kidding. I MISS HER TO BITS since we got separated from the evil streaming, but seeing the real Najwa Hanee seems way better than just seeing the pictures, so there you go! XDD

So, I knew this girl when we were in 1M2 together, and we only started talking a lot after the year end exams. Heh.

Then we got separated in Form 2.

Next, we were in morning session together this year.

Now, separated all over again due to the evil streaming.

That's the very brief history, yearh.

I first knew her as the Killer Bunny. (refer to her Friendster profile and find that picture, heh.)

Then, she helped out for the only IU SIGS ever had, I think if I'm not wrong, as the mascot and the usher (I think) with her sis Nazee.

After that, debate brought us together unofficially, when SHE declared us Husband and Wifey ;)

Then, we were both involved in Public Speaking as well, but thank goodness not as the participants of course. Phew.




And now, as both of us are involved in Interact, we'll be seeing more of each other, and somebody tell me, is that actually good or bad? XD We'll see.

Yeah Najwa, I'm sorry too. If I sound cranky all the time. And being so insensitive about your problems. I may have said that so many times already, but heck, I'm sorry. So far, I can be totally honest with myself, you're really the one that had been super tolerant with me, and I'm thankful to have a hubby like you. Really.

And I'll be truthful about another thing.

I always criticize people who won't let their close friends, or more commonly, best friends go all chummy and too friendly with other friends, because you're not only restricted to one friend only, you have a right to mingle with other friends. But yeah, truthfully, I'm one of those people who restricts friends like that.

Truthfully, I can't afford to lose you.

Because I told you too much about myself, and you know all my weaknesses, and the fact that you are the only one I pour my whole heart to, I really get jealous easily. And I know so many other people who are like that, right in our lives, and now I can say I totally understand how these people feel.

What to do, you're the Royal Hawtness what. XD

And thanks to Geetha dear, now I have the title of Divalicious as well ;)

Again, I'm also bestowed with the title of Your Royal Gorgeousity, though I must say, I'm not that gorgeous as they say, they flatter me. Looking for the gorgeous factor? Look at these two, Geetha's the real Miss Gorgeous, while we're talking about Miss Hawtnessity here. Heh.

Belated 200th I think, on my blog that is, which was on the 6th of September.

So, to end this post, and to really get going on my hiatus,

The King and Queen of Major Royalty - may this Royal Couple not go into any more unnecessary disputes and petty arguments.

And of course, stay a Royal Couple ;D

Your Royal Hawtnessity and Your Royal Gorgeousity! (since I had been given the title, might as well accept it? XD)

Heart you so much. (though I don't show it. Heh.)

*****And now, on to my hiatus, in peace, without any worries of putting this post off.

Will miss you guys.

That actually care. Huhu.

You know who you all are ;)

Cheers!

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Literally.

"This blogger hereby is officially going on a hiatus from the very addictive online world till the D-days (PMR) are over. For good.

All delayed entries shall be posted up one by one, for sure, after the very depressing yet quite important exams as this blogger will be given unlimited online hours by then.

Hopefully."

And lastly, to all fellow third formers out there, I wish you all the best to survive D-days.

With much love and regret,
Mindel Trance.

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Tagged by the one and only Green Cheese ;)

It's been LONG since the last time somebody tagged me. Nobody around my peers who are bloggers pass on their tags to me anyway, so yearh, thanks Geetha. Lol.

START.

1. What is your favourite chocolate?
Chocolates are an okay for me in general. Except those types which are incredibly too sweet or taste too fake. Almost plastic-like I believe. The poorly made ones I mean. I don't have a favourite, but give me a Kit Kat, Ferrero Rocher, Kinder Bueno, Kinder Surprise (do they still sell these??) or a Cadbury bar, and this blogger's pretty much satisfied. ;)

2. What are your 3 favourite colours?
If I really had to choose. Because I like all colours, and no reason to hate any of them unless they're combined together to form the worst colour combo you can lay your eyes on. Green. Black. Red.

3. Who is the last person you talked to?
Mumsie.

4. Who is the last person you messaged?
Fathini asking for today's timetable. At 6 am. Thanks to her I managed to actually drag myself out of bed because if she didn't messaged me, I would be still zzz-ing my life away, 'cos I accidentally set my alarm to 6.30 instead of 5.30. X)

5. Who was the first person you talked to when you woke up today?
Mumsie again.

6. Who is the first person you messaged when you woke up today?
Anith.

7. How many messages you received when you woke up today?
Three.

8. Who messaged you when you woke up today?
What is it with surveys and tags that always repeat their question(s)? Running out of ideas is it?

9. Who do you wanna talk to now?
Nobody in particular. Anybody that starts the conversation I guess, 'cos I'd never been a very interesting person to talk to, nor somebody who can keep the conversation going.

10. Who do you wanna see right now?
A certain someone.

11. Why do you wanna see that person now?
To clear up past misunderstandings and clarify whatever doubts we have left. Also, to get our feelings and emotions sorted too.

12. What relationship are you with that person you wanna see now?
A great friend. Who's also my enemy. And a hundred other different relationships we may be having, or once had.

13. If you could hug someone now, who will it be?
Najwa. She's very huggable. X)

14. What are you doing now?
In general, blogging. On the other hand, keeping my emotions in check and trying to get some History facts in.

15. What colour shirt are you wearing now?
Dark blue.

16. Are you attached?
Technically, yes. I'm MARRIED to Her Royal Hawtnessity, Najwa Hanee Hazza. Heart you, dear. (x

17. Anyone you like?
Of course. You are saying like in general, right?

18. Who do you like?
Referring to my previous answer, almost everybody that knows me. I don't want to state who I like or dislike, for if you know me well enough, you should know well enough too.

19. What phone are you using?
Nokia 6120 Classic. In pearl white.

20. How much money do you have in your wallet now?
Hmmm. Enough to let me survive for the week. Why should you know anyway? If you really want to, try and get close to laying your hands on my wallet. Let me rephrase this particular word again. TRY.

21. What do you love looking at?
Great artwork. Awesome photography, especially by Aiko273 and Autopsy Jude of course. A magnificent scenery of the city, or the outside. Anything that I can view in many different perspectives.

22. Who is the last guy you hugged?
Question : Have I even hugged a guy before?

23. If you can choose to do something now, what would you do?
Find a method to ensure flying colours. 'Cos I really need that rainbow to enlighten my journey, while I continue rotting in high school waiting for the day when I can finally get out.

24. How are you feeling now?
Exhausted actually. Cracking your brains solving approximately 140 mathematical sums isn't what I call energizing at all.

25. If you can turn back time 3 times, where will it be?
The 6 Sri 1 class of 2005, IIUM 2008, SSI.

26. Who are you thinking of?
For now? At-Izzay. Thanks for making my life eventful as well, just on a lower scale by the way. Thanks.

27. What are the 3 things you want to forget?
Embarassing situations, getting killed at the bus stop in Gombak, shunned by society on the last day of IIUM 2008.

28. Who makes you happy?
Friends. My REAL friends. Full stop.

29. What is next to you?
My History revision book.

30. Last show you watched?
5 Jingga.

31. How many people are you talking to now?
Nobody at all.

32. If you can change something in your life..what will it be?
The current Education Minister.

33. Do you have pets?
I used to have hamsters. And there's Ddangae the cat that had already eloped with another feline to Saujana. Useless child. =.= And you blame ME Najwa. Hmmph.

34. What do you feel like eating now?
Nothing. I just ate dinner.

35. Who are the 7 people you tag?
Nobody. I leave it to anyone who wants to do this tag, for I think nobody would be online now that it's going to be D-Days, but of course, to the two still active bloggers for now, Najwa and Naomi.

I would like to tag Geetha again, but nope, I can't.

Can't tag Guppy and Veena either, they're already tagged.

So, anyways.

END.

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STOP.

Well, I highly advise you to move along now if you're not interested in seeing a fifteen year old rant her life out.

Not like it's my problem anyway.

As some of you might know, I promised to start on my entries concerning the topics I had featured in my previous entry.

But, I'd decided that could wait.

For now, it's me, myself and I.

If anybody had noticed today, or any other day actually, I had been a very cranky, depressed, unhappy and emofied girl.

Or if you say no to the aforementioned statement, you instead are always spotting me as a happy-go-lucky individual who goes high at the most inappropriate time, laughs out loud at the smallest joke and look like the average teen girl next door.

Now you shall know.

The truth behind that facade, is a weakling crying out loud in her heart, and is just trying to show off a brave front, to avoid being looked down upon.

Frankly, I'm going through the not so great phase of my teenage life.

I feel broken.

I feel like trash.

I feel like crap.

I feel like a dumbass.

I totally ruined my own life.

But it's also thanks to some certain issues in my life that made it happen.

I'd just read a very much respected friend's blog, and that would be Autopsy Jude.

I agree with two things that I myself am facing at this very moment you're reading this, and for how long I have no idea.

And I quote from her,

"but you know how when aspergians/austic people lose their talent when their social skills improve?"

I have no idea, I may be one of them, but I had realized indeed how I'd lost this very important talent now that I had learnt how to socialize a little, since I wasn't a very talkative person in the first place.

I had been taught to observe.

To understand.

But now, I'm losing my talent by gaining the power of speech.

The talent of being myself.

I suck, I know.

Call me a loser, I won't deny it.

Label me freak, I don't mind.

Name me two-faced, that's me.

Accept it. In fact, I can gladly announce that I have MORE than two faces.

So, don't say I didn't warn you.

You may be asking me, why the need for so many identities?

Well, I would say that, it's because I'm trying to learn to adapt to different everyday situations.

In case you may never noticed, I disappeared from everyones' sights in Form 2, because I was trying so hard to search for who I really am.

The real me that I had lost.

And which I thought I gained back.

But now, I think need to slip away into nothingness again, and do some soul-searching.

'Cos there's no point in living like this, actually.

But really, it won't be as simple as I think.

I'm already ADDICTED to the thing called ATTENTION already.

Always had been.

It's in my horoscope, for goodness's sake.

For your information, I'm a Taurean.

The bull.

I'm stubborn.

I'm hard-headed.

I'm also insecure.

I'm slowly losing my friends, one by one.

Some are my real friends, the true blue ones, but now everything seems so awkward when we talk. It's not like the last time anymore.

Honestly, I think I'd already lost all of my real friends.

The ones who would always be by my side.

But I had failed them in a way.

I had apologize, but they don't even give me a reaction.

Whether they had forgiven me.

Or still grudging against me.

Tell you the truth, I have no idea at all.

Some of my so-called friends, who always said they will always be by my side, no matter what happens.

Yeah, seems so when I gained credit for something that I'd done, you all come in to share the prize, the glamour, the fame, the glitz.

When I'm down in the dumps, you may try to seem attentive by asking me whether I'm alright.

And I answer it's all fine, you'll ask me why.

That's when I thought I can confide in you, trust you with my problems, despite the fact I had never believed in friends that will go with you through thick and thin.

The moment I mouthed out my first word, your attention would be on another, and I would had found out that I was just talking to thin air all this time.

Another minority of you might think that I'm only hanging out with the populazzi because of the fame and fortune.

Figures.

Sadly, that's just the general perception.

Had anybody bothered to come up to me to ask me WHY?

No.

I just wish that people would just approach me, tell me what's the freaking problem they find with me, and let me get some feedback at least.

I might change if it's really an attitude problem on my side, but then again, I can't satisfy everyone.

But.

Nobody bothers.

There are those minority of the people who do not want to hear your comments, yet you just give it to them without them consenting.

I'm one of those people who wants to know what you all think about, but everybody is just shunning me off.

Can't anybody just be honest with me?

What's the use of stabbing each other in the back and dissing and bitching about the rest? It won't change anything at all.

*****
You know how is it when you finally get to rant to somebody who's willing to listen at last, but the whole situation turns around and seems to make you look like the fibber?

Everything seems to be so peaceful and perfect then.

I'd experienced it so many times, I swear I lost count.

It just happened today again.

Somebody was a clear witness, and I don't blame you for giving me the cold shoulder.

But seriously, all this perfection always end in just a span of one day.

OR.

When you finally believed that somebody's being nice to you, the niceness will fade away just at that moment when you're so bloody convinced the world's getting better a whole damn last.

Interesting, eh?

You wouldn't understand if it never happened to you before.

*****
Some personal rants to random people.

To YOU, thanks for being honest with me. Even though it wasn't so much. But I got half the picture at least.

To YOU, on the other hand, are NOT being honest with me so far, because even if you are, I seriously have no clear idea at all. You can personally just tell me what's wrong, even though I already know what's wrong, but seriously, if it's entirely my fault, you're very capable of just shutting me up with your direct way of speech. It's that easy for you. Really, I mean no sarcasm. I still vaguely remember that you had mentioned to me once or twice that once you hate, dislike, or have a grudge on somebody, you'll never get to bring yourself to try to be even an acquaintance to that particular person anymore, if you can help it. If you can get what I'm trying to say, let me ask you, am I now among that category of people? Please, tell me. I really think it's better to resolve any indifferences between us than let us hang like that, everytime I see you, it's just so awkward, we can't even say hi without a slight cringe your face. And that's when I'll feel all uncomfortable talking to you.

To YOU. You were always the lackey the last time, I won't deny that. Now, you had gained all immense popularity, fame and the X Factor of teenagers our age. All of us are actually shocked at the change in you, from the meek timid follower to the dominator, who still have the follower traits actually but it's just not that obvious anymore. You used to sort of follow people around, and now, it seems that it's my turn. Like I said, it only SEEMS. I'll never bow down low to you, and even if I do, it's only a cover to show that I may look all goody two-shoes and all, but you better not remove that shield of yours, for you shall crumble one day due to your own behaviour.

YOU. You share, I can say, almost all of your deepest darkest secrets and problems with me, and I can say that I trust you with mine too. But I realized one thing. I may sound selfish, but you are sometimes too. I mean, who in the world isn't selfish now? Everybody wants everything and anything that benefits them for sure. Don't even deny it. It's reality. I'm always the listener, and actually, I can't deny I'm naturally born for this role, even the juniors come to me sometimes for apparent counselling sessions. Yeah, I can actually help others, giving the sanest of sane advice, but I can't even help myself. How ironic. And I digress. Basically, I don't blame you, since your life is definitely more eventful and exciting than mine, but I feel that I'm only needed when you need to rant. You never sensed that I need to talk to you till I make myself so obvious to your oblivious eyes. But by the time you decided to get me talking, it's too late, for I would have chosen to bottle my emotions all up and let myself suffer alone. It's so hard talking to you nowadays, for I don't really find myself comfortable around you anymore, let alone other people.

I don't even care if you ever find out your identity here already.

And I'm still sorry if you're offended.

But hey, does anybody care when I'm hurt?

When nobody cares for me?

No.

'Cos I already know I'm going to lose everyone one day. And the day has come I believe.

*****Autopsy Jude had also mentioned this in her entry.

And I quote once more,

"now im starting to think if this is normal. because usually people go through this depressing phase when their 15."

And hell yeah, I totally agree with that.

I had never realized how true that statement is till she wrote it down in black and white in her entry, and frankly, it just hit me like that.

I mean, I known a few seniors, especially this guy from my primary school, who's really mean to me and all, and will try to get me in trouble whenever he could. Until last year, when he was a third former, he started being all nice to me, and the then still immature me was going, I bet he hit his head against the wall or something, for he was being insanely nice.

What I'm trying to say is, the major issues of teenagedom occur at 15 apparently, and I'm feeling it. So much.

All the emotions.

All the random thoughts in my brains clashing with each other.

All the not so witty remarks that I have to learn in order to survive life as a teenager.

All the rebellious moves that I had made in order to get my way.

All the pain of the strongest emotion comes back to me all over again.

Although it is very much impossible to do so, all I want now is to stop time.

STOP all this issues coming in from different directions at 200km/h, maybe more.

STOP them all, right at the millisecond when they are just a few inches from causing the biggest collision ever.

STOP, so I can think in peace.

STOP, so I can do some soul-searching.

STOP, so I can find my true identity in this world.

STOP, so I can figure out what was the reason I'm brought into this seemingly cruel and evil reality.

*****Before I get sued for copyright issues, first picture is Stop by tfavretto and Stop the Time by Xemistry is the second picture used.

Now, let me just creep back into the midst of fantasy, and be the escapist.

For once.

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Okay, this will be another pre-entry, with my apologies to Naomi Mentzer and Najwa Hunny especially, for they are expecting me to blog real good stuff, to them apparently, heheh.

So yeah, the title says it all.

A preview of what is going to be shown here on my blog.

There shall be three spotlights.

There will be a trial separation starting officially from tomorrow.

There are some rants and everyday problems of not so average teenagers.

And last, but definitely not the least, life theorems and equations to form another live drama.

Till then.

By the way, to all the Muslims who read my blog, especially Najwa, happy fasting yearh. Heh.

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