Day 20: The meaning behind your blog name.

I’m assuming that this refers to ‘Who Killed Jane Doe?’ and not my blog link. But anyway, it has nothing to do with me being a big fan of jelly. I was 13, and I was trying to think of a unique blog link that is different and creative. So, 'Resist The Jellified Sky' was randomly thought of while I was brainstorming in the showers; and it stuck ever since. I'm still tempted to change my blog link, but this link has sentimental value to it. I'm sentimental like that, sue me.

Okay, don't. I don't have any cash to fork out if you do.

Previously, I named my blog ‘Land of Make-Believe’ in tribute to Green Day’s song Jesus of Suburbia. That song remains one of my all-time favourites, not only it has very deep meaning behind its lyrics, but it’s approximately 10 minutes of pure joy, angst and rebellion altogether.

But then, I suddenly craved a change. I wanted something more original than something I picked out from a song that was someone else’s creative idea.

So, after being very into the CSI franchise for a period of time before this – I happened to watch an episode which had a Jane Doe in it. She was so beautiful and so young, yet she remained unidentified. Nobody came to claim the body for burial, nor does anyone know who her murderer was at the moment. It was saddening to watch. I found it just a shame that said Jane Doe had to die such a wrongful death at such a young age when she had a whole future ahead of her.

Hence, I came up with my current blog name. My blog name has dual meaning, besides the one that I had already talked about earlier. I like to think that I have an inner Jane Doe in me, that remains unidentified, yet I know she’s there somewhere. Somehow, one day – I felt like she’s gone. I don’t know whether it is a good thing or bad, but still, it felt like someone just killed her and took that part of me away. I’m still searching, and at the same time wondering what happened to that part of me and who she actually was.

I realised the above paragraph made me sound like I’m suffering from split personality disorder or something similar. No worries, I’m still very much a sane person, thank you very much.


***

Meanwhile, this video is really awesome. My brother first introduced it to me, and I saw Karyn sharing this a few days later.

Fans of the Kingdom Hearts franchise and Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas should be familiar with this.

Even if you're not, it's still a good watch!

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Day 19: Another picture of yourself.

This photo of me was taken last year on the 27th of March, thanks to Guppy! My school had this awards ceremony going on; my friends and I who studied Japanese performed a Japanese song, naturally. A lovely day - we all had fun singing, laughing and donning the kimono. A few teachers saw the pedicure I did, and humourously told me off about showing off my pedicure to the whole school when it's against the school rules to have a manicure/pedicure done. Well, I don't think many people would actually pay a lot of attention to my feet, really.

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Day 18: Something you crave a lot.

Freedom.
A cancer-free life.
A healthy body.

Happiness.
Friends - old and new.
Achievable dreams.

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Day 17: A photo of you and your family.

It could be harmless to the average person, but knowing my parents - I shall not upload a photo of my family here.

My parents prefer to keep a low profile, and I'm sure they'll hate the idea of having their images here plastered for the world to see.

So, I shall respect their privacy. Like how they respect mine. They know that I keep a personal blog besides my cancer blog, but they do not pry. That, I really appreciate.

All you need to know about my family is that my family consists of my dad, my mum, my elder brother and myself.

Done, done and done.

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Day 16: Your celebrity crush.

Hayley Williams,
Source: fuckyeahhayleywilliams.

Taylor Momsen,
Source: fuckyeahtaylormomsen.

and Zooey Deschanel.
Source: ohyeahzooeydeschanel.
All of them are musically talented and own great fashion sense. What's there not to like?

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Day 15: Something you don’t leave the house without.

The book/magazine/comic I'm currently reading at the moment. Natural bookworm, you see.

Also, a bottle of water. It only took cancer to make me realise how important drinking loads of water everyday to cleanse the body from harmful toxins and chemicals.

And before my cancer days - my phone and my wallet. I know the meme asked for 'something', but I gave more than one thing. Oh well. Just unnecessary extra information, since this entry seems to be a little too short.

Frankly, I'm not that used to writing short blog entries. It just doesn't look complete to me.

I guess I will just have to make do with this for now.

Cheers, and a Happy Deepavali to all who celebrates it!

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Day 14: A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

Source: Ayesha Naveed.

Source: Babyology.
I know the meme only asks for one, but these two shows are really awesome.

I have to say, the Australia versions are definitely a million times better than the American ones. There's humour in the former while the latter involves a whole lot of rather unnecessary drama and conflict.

I don't really enjoy how Gordon Ramsay brings down people either. I much prefer the way how Gary, Matt and George give constructive comments on the dishes presented by the contestants. These three are eager to impart their knowledge, while I don't really see much of that in the US version.

To anybody who is reading this - you have no idea how cooking game shows like these(or rather, any show that is related to food plus travelling) serve as a form of comfort to me while I'm still quarantined at home and limited to certain types of food. It's torture and pleasure all at the same time!

I wish someone could tell me where I can watch the latest season of Junior Masterchef Australia and Masterchef Australia Season 3. I used to watch the latter on Youtube, but some idiot reported the user that uploaded the episodes; resulting in a deleted account, and an unhappy me.

Oh well, guess it's back to more Googling.

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Day 13: Who is your favorite musician? Why?

I have so many favourites, this seems impossible to answer, really!

I listen to many genres of music - soul, jazz, blues, rock, pop, country, oldies, etc. Not forgetting in many languages as well! I mostly listen to English and Japanese songs, but I do like a few Malay, Korean and Chinese songs too.

I'll have to list favourites according to genres, but that will take forever to complete.

So for this entry, I guess I'll just have to narrow them down according to the most number of tracks I enjoy.

For English tracks,

©Zee Avi's Facebook page.
Zee Avi is a great favourite of mine. As a Malaysian, it's without any doubt that I'm super proud of her achievements as a musician. How she pen her lyrics is very poetic and it inspires a literal human like me who wishes to poetic when it comes to writing. I find my writing too literal, and perhaps a little bit on the boring side. It'll be nice to be able to think of metaphors and put those into my writing.

For Japanese tracks,

Source: Maria's.
Mika Nakashima is at the very top. I love her smooth vocals, and how her music flows from song to song. Her starring in Nana made me fall in love with her voice and her ability to adapt to various music styles all over again! Other than being so talented in music, I love how she can pull off so many looks as well - edgy, feminine, casual, etc. It impresses a fashion enthusiast like me a lot, you have no idea how much is a lot.

I'll cheat and add another musician here. Or rather, musicians.

©Love Psychedelico's official page.
I don't really keep myself updated with my favourite musicians' news, so I have no clue to what Love Psychedelico is currently up to. I can honestly say that I like every single one of their songs, and even after years since I bought only one of their albums which was way back in my primary school days - I still enjoy listening to all of their tracks on that particular album. I don't think a lot of people know about this band, but I do recommend their music to anyone who would like to listen to something new!

Cheers!

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Day 12: A photograph of the town you live in.

I got very confused by this topic. It definitely makes me question my English language skills.

Without thinking too much, Permas Jaya would be my first answer. From what I just found out online after looking up some definitions though, the accurate answer should be the town of Masai in the state of Johor. Permas Jaya is a housing estate, and not a town.

A sudden newfound respect for simple English terms I thought I understood well. I'm ashamed of myself for not knowing better.

I'm not really familiar with Masai actually, since I hang around in Johor Bahru more often. So, I guess this will suffice.

©JUSCO Malaysia.
It is one of the nearest landmarks here. Well, to me anyway.

Is there even anything interesting about Masai? Obviously, I don't know any better, so I shouldn't judge.

Cheers!

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Day 11: What’s in your make-up bag?

I don’t own a make-up bag. I prefer a nude face, rather than pile on lots of make-up. Unless, it’s an artistic photoshoot we are talking about.

But before my cancer days, I would rely only on my dark brown and white eyeliners to make myself look more alert and awake. Very useful, especially when I had to go for morning tuition classes at Omega on Sundays during my Form 4 and Form 5 days. Lack of sleep was a major problem for me and I believe, most of my peers then. Or maybe it’s just me.

Other than that, I don’t use much make-up at all.

(Honestly, I don’t know if a make-up bag just contains make-up and only make-up. Does it contain other beauty products/items? I'm an idiot when it comes to things like this.)

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Day 10: A photo of your favourite place to eat.

©K'vin Lim.
I've always liked dining in cafés. If you've got great ambience, great music and great food - you're already a winner to me!

For now, Moonlight Cake House in Taman Gaya, Johor gets my vote. I've always liked the ambience here. Music choices are alright, and it's very cooling when the weather gets atrociously hot.

I love their Spaghetti Bolognese too!

But to be honest, a place where I get to spend time with my family and friends while having a good time will be favourites at any time and any place.

Cheers!

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Day 9: A photo of the item you last purchased.

House Rules, ©Jodi Picoult.
My camera has pretty much retired, unfortunately - so this obviously came from Google.

Got this book on my birthday this year, and that was way back in April. That was the last of my purchases, since I had to resume my quarantined life. (Hopefully the previous sentence managed to give you some idea of how long I have been quarantined, and how strict it is. I haven't been out since, unless we're talking about trips to the hospital. Frankly, those don't really count.)

I finished the book, and it's a great read!

Lent it to my brother, considering that Asperger's syndrome and DSM-IV was mentioned. Hopefully he'll find it interesting, and despite his busy schedule he'll find time to read it.

Speaking of my brother, I know he drops by here occasionally - so hi kor! The Persona 3 tracks are awesome, but they make me miss you when I listen to them and the times when you'll play the game while I watch and work on my cross-stitch project.

Can't wait for you to be back when you can! (:

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Day 8: A song to match your mood.



Secret, ©The Pierces.
I'm very good at keeping secrets.

At times, I just wonder if my friends are capable of doing the same.

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Day 7: Your dream wedding.

I know I am really behind in this 30 day meme. While I still have this mood to blog and am able to release my thoughts to a place with more storage space, I shall try to complete this meme before the start of the new year.

Anyway, I don’t think I ever want to get married. Don’t be mistaken, I love weddings. Weddings are happy events, unless it’s a forced marriage we’re talking about. It’s the fact of marriage, or life after the wedding that I abhor. I don’t want to be tied to responsibilities like being a great wife or/and a great mother. I don’t even think I’m capable of taking care of myself, what more my other half and child/children.

If I really have to give a say on this topic, my dream wedding would be something like Lily and Marshall's from How I Met Your Mother(that episode is one of my favourites!). Not the apparent grand one with all those fine details of course, but just the simple, intimate outdoor event with just their closest friends - Ted, Barney and Robin. In my case, let's add my immediate family members too. Also, if I were to have a wedding - my wedding dress has to be awesome. I won't take anything other than awesome. (I’m observant when it comes to fashion, especially with the many bridal boutiques we have here. In my humble opinion, I think I can never go wrong in a strapless gown. If I never get married and I have the extra cash, I will definitely pamper myself with a professional photoshoot in a wedding gown. Or maybe gowns.)

Or I might go for the extreme and marry myself like what this lady did. Generally, society might think that she was out of her mind for doing such a thing, but I only have pure respect for her. She even has a Facebook page and a blog. My Chinese is naturally not up to standards, but I read articles about her wedding and saw some photos – truly, I respect her so. I fully agree with this quote of hers, "You must learn to love yourself before you can love others." That's one thing I have yet to learn. It's not as easy as it sounds like, for a people-pleaser like me.

That said, I rather be the one attending weddings. Having the limelight on me as the bride will be super stressful. It'll be really lovely to just watch such an occassion and feel happy for the new couple.

Weddings aside, I have always dreamt of being this independent career woman. I’ll do awesome in whatever field that I’ll be involved in then, and I’ll have a stable income that is enough to give my parents a comfortable life, support my needs and donate to charities. I also frequently have this image of me wearing a business suit(no intention of being a businesswoman though, not too interested in the world of business), sipping a martini/mocktail/glass of wine/champagne in a high-end bar – looking all sophisticated and my face just screams,


I am not daydreaming. I will make this a reality.

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Things I have been doing when I'm not too tired from the side effects of my transplant:

1. Watching TV/DVDs.
2. Alternating between Emperor: Rise of the Middle Kingdom and Gardenscapes.
   
3. Working on my beadpoint project.
4. Reading fiction and non-fiction.
5. Avoiding going online because jealousy overwhelms me when I see my friends living normal, interesting lives and the girls looking beautiful - unlike me.
6. Trying to update my cancer blog without sounding like I want to vent all my frustrations and anger on my readers that are guiltless of certain matters.
7. Attempting to be content with what I have and just be happy. (This is fucking hard, I swear.)

*Another trip to KL soon for another blood test.

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I'm tired. I'm really tired.

People care. They really do.

But instead of feeling comforted and assured, I'm more upset and pressured than before.

I don't want to be a hypocrite - but I have to discreetly get this out of my system.

Irony noted, that's for sure.

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

Day 20: The meaning behind your blog name.

I’m assuming that this refers to ‘Who Killed Jane Doe?’ and not my blog link. But anyway, it has nothing to do with me being a big fan of jelly. I was 13, and I was trying to think of a unique blog link that is different and creative. So, 'Resist The Jellified Sky' was randomly thought of while I was brainstorming in the showers; and it stuck ever since. I'm still tempted to change my blog link, but this link has sentimental value to it. I'm sentimental like that, sue me.

Okay, don't. I don't have any cash to fork out if you do.

Previously, I named my blog ‘Land of Make-Believe’ in tribute to Green Day’s song Jesus of Suburbia. That song remains one of my all-time favourites, not only it has very deep meaning behind its lyrics, but it’s approximately 10 minutes of pure joy, angst and rebellion altogether.

But then, I suddenly craved a change. I wanted something more original than something I picked out from a song that was someone else’s creative idea.

So, after being very into the CSI franchise for a period of time before this – I happened to watch an episode which had a Jane Doe in it. She was so beautiful and so young, yet she remained unidentified. Nobody came to claim the body for burial, nor does anyone know who her murderer was at the moment. It was saddening to watch. I found it just a shame that said Jane Doe had to die such a wrongful death at such a young age when she had a whole future ahead of her.

Hence, I came up with my current blog name. My blog name has dual meaning, besides the one that I had already talked about earlier. I like to think that I have an inner Jane Doe in me, that remains unidentified, yet I know she’s there somewhere. Somehow, one day – I felt like she’s gone. I don’t know whether it is a good thing or bad, but still, it felt like someone just killed her and took that part of me away. I’m still searching, and at the same time wondering what happened to that part of me and who she actually was.

I realised the above paragraph made me sound like I’m suffering from split personality disorder or something similar. No worries, I’m still very much a sane person, thank you very much.


***

Meanwhile, this video is really awesome. My brother first introduced it to me, and I saw Karyn sharing this a few days later.

Fans of the Kingdom Hearts franchise and Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas should be familiar with this.

Even if you're not, it's still a good watch!

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Day 19: Another picture of yourself.

This photo of me was taken last year on the 27th of March, thanks to Guppy! My school had this awards ceremony going on; my friends and I who studied Japanese performed a Japanese song, naturally. A lovely day - we all had fun singing, laughing and donning the kimono. A few teachers saw the pedicure I did, and humourously told me off about showing off my pedicure to the whole school when it's against the school rules to have a manicure/pedicure done. Well, I don't think many people would actually pay a lot of attention to my feet, really.

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Day 18: Something you crave a lot.

Freedom.
A cancer-free life.
A healthy body.

Happiness.
Friends - old and new.
Achievable dreams.

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Day 17: A photo of you and your family.

It could be harmless to the average person, but knowing my parents - I shall not upload a photo of my family here.

My parents prefer to keep a low profile, and I'm sure they'll hate the idea of having their images here plastered for the world to see.

So, I shall respect their privacy. Like how they respect mine. They know that I keep a personal blog besides my cancer blog, but they do not pry. That, I really appreciate.

All you need to know about my family is that my family consists of my dad, my mum, my elder brother and myself.

Done, done and done.

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Day 16: Your celebrity crush.

Hayley Williams,
Source: fuckyeahhayleywilliams.

Taylor Momsen,
Source: fuckyeahtaylormomsen.

and Zooey Deschanel.
Source: ohyeahzooeydeschanel.
All of them are musically talented and own great fashion sense. What's there not to like?

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Day 15: Something you don’t leave the house without.

The book/magazine/comic I'm currently reading at the moment. Natural bookworm, you see.

Also, a bottle of water. It only took cancer to make me realise how important drinking loads of water everyday to cleanse the body from harmful toxins and chemicals.

And before my cancer days - my phone and my wallet. I know the meme asked for 'something', but I gave more than one thing. Oh well. Just unnecessary extra information, since this entry seems to be a little too short.

Frankly, I'm not that used to writing short blog entries. It just doesn't look complete to me.

I guess I will just have to make do with this for now.

Cheers, and a Happy Deepavali to all who celebrates it!

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Day 14: A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

Source: Ayesha Naveed.

Source: Babyology.
I know the meme only asks for one, but these two shows are really awesome.

I have to say, the Australia versions are definitely a million times better than the American ones. There's humour in the former while the latter involves a whole lot of rather unnecessary drama and conflict.

I don't really enjoy how Gordon Ramsay brings down people either. I much prefer the way how Gary, Matt and George give constructive comments on the dishes presented by the contestants. These three are eager to impart their knowledge, while I don't really see much of that in the US version.

To anybody who is reading this - you have no idea how cooking game shows like these(or rather, any show that is related to food plus travelling) serve as a form of comfort to me while I'm still quarantined at home and limited to certain types of food. It's torture and pleasure all at the same time!

I wish someone could tell me where I can watch the latest season of Junior Masterchef Australia and Masterchef Australia Season 3. I used to watch the latter on Youtube, but some idiot reported the user that uploaded the episodes; resulting in a deleted account, and an unhappy me.

Oh well, guess it's back to more Googling.

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Day 13: Who is your favorite musician? Why?

I have so many favourites, this seems impossible to answer, really!

I listen to many genres of music - soul, jazz, blues, rock, pop, country, oldies, etc. Not forgetting in many languages as well! I mostly listen to English and Japanese songs, but I do like a few Malay, Korean and Chinese songs too.

I'll have to list favourites according to genres, but that will take forever to complete.

So for this entry, I guess I'll just have to narrow them down according to the most number of tracks I enjoy.

For English tracks,

©Zee Avi's Facebook page.
Zee Avi is a great favourite of mine. As a Malaysian, it's without any doubt that I'm super proud of her achievements as a musician. How she pen her lyrics is very poetic and it inspires a literal human like me who wishes to poetic when it comes to writing. I find my writing too literal, and perhaps a little bit on the boring side. It'll be nice to be able to think of metaphors and put those into my writing.

For Japanese tracks,

Source: Maria's.
Mika Nakashima is at the very top. I love her smooth vocals, and how her music flows from song to song. Her starring in Nana made me fall in love with her voice and her ability to adapt to various music styles all over again! Other than being so talented in music, I love how she can pull off so many looks as well - edgy, feminine, casual, etc. It impresses a fashion enthusiast like me a lot, you have no idea how much is a lot.

I'll cheat and add another musician here. Or rather, musicians.

©Love Psychedelico's official page.
I don't really keep myself updated with my favourite musicians' news, so I have no clue to what Love Psychedelico is currently up to. I can honestly say that I like every single one of their songs, and even after years since I bought only one of their albums which was way back in my primary school days - I still enjoy listening to all of their tracks on that particular album. I don't think a lot of people know about this band, but I do recommend their music to anyone who would like to listen to something new!

Cheers!

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Day 12: A photograph of the town you live in.

I got very confused by this topic. It definitely makes me question my English language skills.

Without thinking too much, Permas Jaya would be my first answer. From what I just found out online after looking up some definitions though, the accurate answer should be the town of Masai in the state of Johor. Permas Jaya is a housing estate, and not a town.

A sudden newfound respect for simple English terms I thought I understood well. I'm ashamed of myself for not knowing better.

I'm not really familiar with Masai actually, since I hang around in Johor Bahru more often. So, I guess this will suffice.

©JUSCO Malaysia.
It is one of the nearest landmarks here. Well, to me anyway.

Is there even anything interesting about Masai? Obviously, I don't know any better, so I shouldn't judge.

Cheers!

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Day 11: What’s in your make-up bag?

I don’t own a make-up bag. I prefer a nude face, rather than pile on lots of make-up. Unless, it’s an artistic photoshoot we are talking about.

But before my cancer days, I would rely only on my dark brown and white eyeliners to make myself look more alert and awake. Very useful, especially when I had to go for morning tuition classes at Omega on Sundays during my Form 4 and Form 5 days. Lack of sleep was a major problem for me and I believe, most of my peers then. Or maybe it’s just me.

Other than that, I don’t use much make-up at all.

(Honestly, I don’t know if a make-up bag just contains make-up and only make-up. Does it contain other beauty products/items? I'm an idiot when it comes to things like this.)

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Day 10: A photo of your favourite place to eat.

©K'vin Lim.
I've always liked dining in cafés. If you've got great ambience, great music and great food - you're already a winner to me!

For now, Moonlight Cake House in Taman Gaya, Johor gets my vote. I've always liked the ambience here. Music choices are alright, and it's very cooling when the weather gets atrociously hot.

I love their Spaghetti Bolognese too!

But to be honest, a place where I get to spend time with my family and friends while having a good time will be favourites at any time and any place.

Cheers!

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Day 9: A photo of the item you last purchased.

House Rules, ©Jodi Picoult.
My camera has pretty much retired, unfortunately - so this obviously came from Google.

Got this book on my birthday this year, and that was way back in April. That was the last of my purchases, since I had to resume my quarantined life. (Hopefully the previous sentence managed to give you some idea of how long I have been quarantined, and how strict it is. I haven't been out since, unless we're talking about trips to the hospital. Frankly, those don't really count.)

I finished the book, and it's a great read!

Lent it to my brother, considering that Asperger's syndrome and DSM-IV was mentioned. Hopefully he'll find it interesting, and despite his busy schedule he'll find time to read it.

Speaking of my brother, I know he drops by here occasionally - so hi kor! The Persona 3 tracks are awesome, but they make me miss you when I listen to them and the times when you'll play the game while I watch and work on my cross-stitch project.

Can't wait for you to be back when you can! (:

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Day 8: A song to match your mood.



Secret, ©The Pierces.
I'm very good at keeping secrets.

At times, I just wonder if my friends are capable of doing the same.

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Day 7: Your dream wedding.

I know I am really behind in this 30 day meme. While I still have this mood to blog and am able to release my thoughts to a place with more storage space, I shall try to complete this meme before the start of the new year.

Anyway, I don’t think I ever want to get married. Don’t be mistaken, I love weddings. Weddings are happy events, unless it’s a forced marriage we’re talking about. It’s the fact of marriage, or life after the wedding that I abhor. I don’t want to be tied to responsibilities like being a great wife or/and a great mother. I don’t even think I’m capable of taking care of myself, what more my other half and child/children.

If I really have to give a say on this topic, my dream wedding would be something like Lily and Marshall's from How I Met Your Mother(that episode is one of my favourites!). Not the apparent grand one with all those fine details of course, but just the simple, intimate outdoor event with just their closest friends - Ted, Barney and Robin. In my case, let's add my immediate family members too. Also, if I were to have a wedding - my wedding dress has to be awesome. I won't take anything other than awesome. (I’m observant when it comes to fashion, especially with the many bridal boutiques we have here. In my humble opinion, I think I can never go wrong in a strapless gown. If I never get married and I have the extra cash, I will definitely pamper myself with a professional photoshoot in a wedding gown. Or maybe gowns.)

Or I might go for the extreme and marry myself like what this lady did. Generally, society might think that she was out of her mind for doing such a thing, but I only have pure respect for her. She even has a Facebook page and a blog. My Chinese is naturally not up to standards, but I read articles about her wedding and saw some photos – truly, I respect her so. I fully agree with this quote of hers, "You must learn to love yourself before you can love others." That's one thing I have yet to learn. It's not as easy as it sounds like, for a people-pleaser like me.

That said, I rather be the one attending weddings. Having the limelight on me as the bride will be super stressful. It'll be really lovely to just watch such an occassion and feel happy for the new couple.

Weddings aside, I have always dreamt of being this independent career woman. I’ll do awesome in whatever field that I’ll be involved in then, and I’ll have a stable income that is enough to give my parents a comfortable life, support my needs and donate to charities. I also frequently have this image of me wearing a business suit(no intention of being a businesswoman though, not too interested in the world of business), sipping a martini/mocktail/glass of wine/champagne in a high-end bar – looking all sophisticated and my face just screams,


I am not daydreaming. I will make this a reality.

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Things I have been doing when I'm not too tired from the side effects of my transplant:

1. Watching TV/DVDs.
2. Alternating between Emperor: Rise of the Middle Kingdom and Gardenscapes.
   
3. Working on my beadpoint project.
4. Reading fiction and non-fiction.
5. Avoiding going online because jealousy overwhelms me when I see my friends living normal, interesting lives and the girls looking beautiful - unlike me.
6. Trying to update my cancer blog without sounding like I want to vent all my frustrations and anger on my readers that are guiltless of certain matters.
7. Attempting to be content with what I have and just be happy. (This is fucking hard, I swear.)

*Another trip to KL soon for another blood test.

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I'm tired. I'm really tired.

People care. They really do.

But instead of feeling comforted and assured, I'm more upset and pressured than before.

I don't want to be a hypocrite - but I have to discreetly get this out of my system.

Irony noted, that's for sure.

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