Cai Ling,

It's been hard on you. It pains me to hear news of you being harassed like this. And the fact that I'm miles away from you, not being to do much but only offer you words of support and encouragement - pains me even more.

I wish I could give you a big bear hug, and tell you that everything is going to be okay. I wish I can be right by your side, and reassure you that despite the shit that have been happening to you, we as your close friends in Malaysia will always give you the unconditional love and support for you to survive whatever ordeal that you have to face.

It sucks to be taken advantage of like that, really. You have no idea how the guys and I would love to torture and mutilate teach him a lesson, make sure he remembers that doing the same thing to you or in fact, any other girl out there will have him feel like his life is like living hell on planet Earth.

Ling, please take good care of yourself and be wary of jerks. Stay strong alright. You know you can trust me with anything. I'm here for you if you want to confide in me. That applies to the rest of us too.

Still my favourite photograph of all of us.

We love you, Ling. ♥
Sincerely,
Leonie, your one and only LSP.

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Post-SPM Activity #4:
Learn how to play a traditional Chinese musical instrument.
-Erhu Music, ©Geishaninja.-

I'm very proud of my Chinese roots. Yes, I am highly aware that I'm only able to speak simple Chinese and I only know how to read and write simple Chinese words. By the way, I intend to learn the language properly after SPM. This will be further elaborated in a separate post.

Honestly, if I could, I would love to learn to play as many musical instruments as possible. I believe that life is a continuous journey of learning, so I really want to learn as many things as possible till the day I depart to another world.

Of course, I shall not be too greedy. I will start off slow.

The first Chinese musical instrument I would like to pick up is the erhu. It's very hard to describe in words, really - but I had always been fascinated by the sounds an erhu makes. It's beautiful, in a way that isn't physical, but it just enchants me somehow. It made me appreciate the beauty of traditional Chinese music.

The late Yasmin Ahmad's film Talentime also played a major part in me wanting to take up this instrument. It's the scene when Hafiz played his guitar and sang to Pete Teo's I Go, accompanied by Kahoe playing his erhu. I cried in the cinema watching that scene. I really love this song, both the English and Malay versions. The guitar and the erhu music blended harmoniously. To hear music like this is really..amazing.


If I could, I would love to learn how to play the guzheng and the dizi as well. I wonder if classes are available in this area.

Labels: Post-SPM 2010 To-Do List

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©Vintage Diary.
My mood did improve tremendously after two nights of popping half a sleeping pill into my mouth before I go to bed. Mind you, these sleeping pills are prescribed by my doctor okay. Yesterday night was even more splendid, since I managed to get a good night's sleep without relying on sleeping pills of any sort.

Less than a month left till SPM. Exactly one more week till my (hopefully) last chemo session. Freedom is so close, yet so far. There really is so much I want to do after SPM! December is going to be one busy month, what with most of us already rushing into the January intakes of various colleges or flying off to some other country to further their studies. I, on the other hand prefer to stay in the comfort of my home a bit longer and get my life sorted out first, especially health-wise before I consider all that.

I think I mentioned this before, but apparently it's decided that I'm to go for A-Levels at Sunway College Johor Bahru. It's either the June or July intake I'm registering for, because I'm going to take a nice deserved break for the first half of the year doing the things that I enjoy. My dad told me that as long as I pass SPM, he's already satisfied and happy with my results. Same goes with my mum. Of course, I know what I'm capable of. I'll do my best and attempt to get straight A's for two reasons - a) to please my parents and make them happy, and b) to prove that cancer patients can excel despite their conditions.

A-Levels is pretty flexible, especially for someone like me who hasn't decided exactly what field of work she wants to pursue in the future. That gives me about a year and a half to think about what course I really want to take when I'm done with A-Levels. I'm spoilt for choice when it comes to possible courses, but many of my friends think I'll do very well in journalism, especially fashion journalism. Basically, it's either that, criminal/clinical psychology, linguistics or mass communication.

I went to school today to have my graduation photograph taken. Pn. Hjh Norliah was very nice about the whole thing, and went to a lot of trouble to make me look presentable and awesome in my photograph. En. Rahilme, as usual, called me Nicole despite the new circumstances. Inside joke, maybe I'll explain it one day. He was the one who was in charge of taking my photograph. I also saw Miss Ng, En. Ismail, Pn. Norma, Pn. Sakinah, Pn. Haslinda, Pn. Hjh Norizah and Pn. Tan. I happened to see a lot of my peers as well, which was really nice since it had been ages I last saw them. Months, in fact!

Honestly, I'm dying from curiousity. But as they say, curiousity kills the cat. I'm not going to risk anything, so I rather not ask.

I'm questioning my abilities as I'm typing this blog post. I really wonder whether I can succeed in understanding two years' worth of syllabus for Physics, Biology, Chemistry, History and Add. Maths. I hardly remember how to crap for BM essays, and of course, I only intend to memorise the 36 moral values and their definitions a day before the actual exam. I can't remember the formats for Accounts, either. If miracles can really happen, I could do with one right now.

My last blog entry before I go on an official hiatus should be published when I'm in Malacca next week for my last chemo session. After that, it's full speed ahead in mugging for the exams till the 9th of December.

I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series again. I'm guilty of not finishing the seventh book, since I got frustrated and annoyed with Harry's never-ending angsty self halfway through the book. With Part One of its movie coming out in cinemas soon, I realised I never really understood many issues in the series. It's undeniable the books are much better than the movies, but I admit, I'm getting into the hype again after watching the first movie on Channel 5 recently. Personally, my favourite book is the first, but we'll see about that. Maybe I'll change my mind after I'm done with all seven books. Currently, I'm reading the second book. I really should be reading thick reference books instead.

I'm still curious. Oh well.

Cheers!

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©elizabeth anne.
The past few nights have been awful. Insomnia is hitting me once more, and I find it hard to fall asleep. I don't know why, but all these random thoughts just start crowding my head. It's difficult to clear my mind of all that clutter and just relax.

To add to my already-existing problems, nightmares have been haunting me if I actually managed to fall into a deep slumber. These nightmares don't even involve scary creatures or maniacal killers with blood and gore.

In fact, they revolve around disappointment. I constantly see myself being told off by the people I love, the people I really care for. I see myself being alienated from society. I see myself as a failure in life. I realised situations like these scare me more.

I find myself waking up in the middle of the night, in tears.

Hence, I have been one very cranky and moody human recently. Cranky because I didn't get enough sleep, moody because of how real those nightmares felt and they really impacted me a lot.

Knowing me, I think I'll get over this phase once I have enough sleep. I would have indulged myself with some chocolate, unfortunately I'm banned from eating it for now due to my condition. I do believe chocolate helps one to feel better about themselves. It is scientifically proven and explained.

My school is having a graduation ceremony for the fifth formers and the upper six students this Saturday. The headmistress has advised me to not attend, since the hall is going to be packed with people, which means the chances of me getting infected is really high. Fellow fifth formers, especially my friends are kind of protesting against the headmistress because of that. I can't blame her, really. I know it's for my own good, but honestly, it sucks that I can't even attend my own graduation.

I heard that I got a High Distinction for the English New South Wales Test and a Distinction for the Mathematics New South Wales Test. I never even got a Distinction for both subjects before since I started sitting for these exams from 2008 onwards, so I guess I'm just very lucky.

Oh yes, I am aware that the English I use is very dramatic at most times. Personally, I am a very dramatic person, therefore self-expression through dramatic means. If you can't accept the way I type or talk, seriously that isn't my problem. I'm not bothered to change to please you, you and you. I'm not grammatically correct all the time, but on my blog I do aim to use English to its best. Instead of STFU, I'm going to be direct and type it in full, so shut the fuck up already and don't criticise the way I express my ideas if you can't even spell simple words or punctuate your sentences correctly.

Obviously, this isn't a good day for me. May it be better tomorrow.

Cheers.

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©alexisgay.

No...
I really don't think so
that you'd think I'd be incapable
of being on my own

No...
I really don't think so
that I would for a second let you
back in through my door

I have spent
many a-nights even when
you were by my side
I shed tears I couldn't dry

But I should thank you for
taking my blindfold off
now I ain't jaded no more
And I take pride
in bein' the one that said goodbye
that could only mean
I am me, once more

You would turn
your head the other way
so you won't have to listen
to what I had to say

You assumed
that I needed you
but you didn't realize that
I needed no one but myself

But I should thank you for
taking my blindfold off
now I ain't jaded no more
And I take pride
in bein' the one that said goodbye
that could only mean
I am me, once more
I Am Me Once More, ©Zee Avi.

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©Elizabeth.Brooke

I really need to start going on a hiatus soon. 'So much to do, so little time.' This phrase never fails to apply to me. It's bad enough that I'm terrible at handling time. But knowing that the hour, minute and second hands are certainly waiting for no one, especially me - it doesn't help one bit.

Easy enough for me to just type it down, I don't think I'm capable of going on a serious hiatus anyway. Not till the start of November, to be honest.

I'm surrounded by two years' worth of Biology notes, and the sight of them is making me really guilty as to why I'm still here, blogging about the SPM blues. I don't need to add to the already-existing stress and pressure experienced by my fellow fifth-formers. My bad there, do accept my sincerest apologies. Other than my mother, a few close friends and the nurses who have tended to me in the hospital, my blog is one more place to rant about how I'm really not ready for this apparent life-deciding exam.

What really annoys me is that I know I'm actually capable of scoring well for SPM. Due to my condition, a lot of people have lowered their expectations on me concerning my results. I can deal with not disappointing people, but the thought of not doing well when I actually can - it disturbs me greatly, really. Unexpected side-effects from chemotherapy and fatigue consumes quite a lot of my time already. Sheesh. It doesn't help how easily distracted and unfocused I can get as well.

On another note, I have been listening to a lot of Zee Avi. I'm proud that she's a Malaysian, and even more at the fact that she composed such beautiful lyrics I can relate to. I might introduce a few of my favourites when I feel that I have achieved clearer ideas and notions about the ten subjects I'm sitting for SPM.

Cheers to us mugging and cramming!

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Post-SPM Activity #3:
Complete Grade 7 and 8 for piano.
-Piano, ©Moona.-
I'm not sure about now, but there was this period of time when some parents were forcing their child/children to learn how to play an instrument, common examples include the piano, violin and even the organ.

I'm lucky, really. I myself decided that I wanted to learn how to play the piano, decipher music notes and coordinate both my hands to play proper tunes. I learnt to appreciate classical music, which is actually quite a joy to listen to. A lot of people I know think that classical music is terribly boring, and the instant they hear the start of a classical piece, they'll start yawning very loudly.

My first lesson was when I was still studying in Primary 5. My first teacher taught me the basics. She stopped working as a piano teacher when she got married.

So I was assigned to another piano teacher, who was just terrifying to me. I can't even remember her name now, but I still remember the way she taught me during our very first lesson together. She was super strict and fierce. She snapped at me every time, even if I made just the slightest mistake. I think if she could, she would be holding a cane in her hand while conducting her class with me. The moment the lesson ended and I got into the car, my mum was shocked to see me burst into tears and sob continuously. I actually wanted to quit learning the piano because of this teacher. And that was the last time I saw her. Thank goodness.

My third piano teacher was fairly nice. She will be strict only when she had to, and that rarely happened when she taught me. She even allowed me to skip both the theory and practical exams for Grade 1 and 2. I went straight on to Grade 3, and I didn't do too bad.

Finally, my fourth and the best piano teacher I ever had so far. If you had been a reader of my blog since the start of my secondary school days, the name Miss Ng wouldn't be unfamiliar to you. She was only older than me by a few years, so she was like an elder sister to me, and still is. We could talk about anything and everything together. It's really comfortable for me to confide in her my secrets and problems, and she trusts me enough to tell me her personal issues as well.

I honestly appreciate the way she taught me how to play the piano. She didn't just made me play scales and learn new songs, she made me discover the importance of playing the piano expressively and to feel the music while pressing those black and white keys. Before, I merely played the piano according to whatever note that was printed on the sheet music given to me. Sincerely, I'm grateful to have met her.

When I entered Form 4, I temporarily stopped my piano lessons to concentrate on my SPM subjects and my very hectic school and tuition schedules. I promised myself that I would finish up Grade 7 and 8 when I'm done with high school and SPM. All the more now, since a good friend of mine, Anna who has been very supportive of me to actively pick up the piano again. I admit, I have been lazy since I didn't have the pressure of piano exams to make me practise.

I contacted Miss Ng recently, and I'm glad she's doing okay. We already made plans to meet up when I don't have to be self-quarantined anymore. It's been two years since I last saw her, and I really can't wait to catch up with her again. Her, and my very patient friends. (:

Cheers!

Labels: Post-SPM 2010 To-Do List

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People change.

You changed.

I feel like I don't know you anymore.

To the old you,
please come back.

I miss you.

I really do.

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Post-SPM Activity #2:
Learn a form of dance.
-Dance, ©NaturalBornCreative.-
I remember when I was a young kid, the first form of dance that I wanted to pick up was ballet. In my primary school days, I knew a lot of my friends who took up ballet. I guess that's where the influence came from.

Back then, my parents couldn't afford for me to learn ballet. I have to admit, it isn't cheap at all. Besides, my parents made it up to me by letting me learn the piano instead. No regrets, really!

I find ballet a very graceful form of dance. Till this very moment, I still appreciate seeing ballet at its best. I don't find it boring at all, seriously.

But for me to learn ballet after SPM, I personally don't think so. Obviously I would fail miserably in body flexibility. And I might risk breaking a bone or two. You should see the point by now.

I'm considering hip-hop. Maybe street dancing. I might even go contemporary. And there is always pole dancing! If you happen to be narrow-minded and think that pole dancing is something raunchy and naughty, get out and explore the world for goodness' sake.

It's a good way to keep fit. And besides modelling and photography, dance is another beautiful form of art which is capable of expressing emotions and creative thoughts.

I'm really into the arts, in case you don't already know by now.

Labels: Post-SPM 2010 To-Do List

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Post-SPM Activity #1:
A day out at the beach with some awesome company.
©Michael's Tumblr.
Seeing the picture above somehow reminded me of how I got ambushed by Jeffrey and Picasso two years ago during RYLA '08. After failed attempts to free myself from their strong grips on my wrists and ankles, the next thing I knew was that I was swallowing sea water in the South China Sea. I miss those good old times a lot.

I have been studying today, only to receive a cruel wake-up call on how little I know in the subjects I'm taking for SPM. Honestly, the only subject which I'm confident on scoring at least an A is English. I don't even want to think of the other nine subjects I'm sitting for. Gosh.

I have to learn how to write long essays again. After two months from taking a break getting used to chemotherapy and all, I found my wrist and hand aching terribly after writing a few mere sentences. In 48 days, I need to learn how to write again. Hurrah. If my handwriting doesn't improve in 48 days, the examiners are most probably going to get furious marking my papers and they're going to give me low marks because they can't bear to read my bad handwriting any further.

Studying isn't that bad after all. I find myself actually wanting to work on sums. I can't say the same for the sciences and History though.

Thanks to Anna, I finally found a site which allows me to generate a signature which I can include at the end of my blog entries. I always wanted a classy way to end my posts. It looks more..complete, somehow. To me, anyway.

A lot of people I know believe that I can do very well for SPM. Well, I'm not sure if I can achieve much in 48 days, but I'll try my best. Hopefully, my next two chemo sessions won't burden my body too much. I really need to buck up, and get SPM over and done with. That applies to my having cancer too.

I think I'll attempt to study Chemistry now.

Till the next entry, cheers!

Labels: Post-SPM 2010 To-Do List

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©nikolinelr.
I had been having strange dreams recently. Ridiculous as they are, they are so painfully real. At least insomnia hasn't been a problem for the past few nights. For someone who never had problems sleeping at night, tossing and turning in bed certainly was a change. As insomnia is one of the many side-effects of chemotherapy, I can only bear with it until I'm officially done with cancer.

Recently, I also find myself feeling very poetic. I have been composing lyrics, and I have tunes in my head that go along with them. For the first time in my life, I finally feel creative. I always find myself a very unoriginal and boring person, even if my friends don't think so.

Maybe it's a sign that I'm slowly losing my mind.

Blink 182's I Miss You is on repeat tonight. Listening to it doesn't only comforts me, but somehow I feel this song easily hypnotises me into feeling nothingness.

Sometimes I wonder, why are people willing to step down to the lowest of lows just to get something they want? Is it worth it gaining something through underhand means? I certainly think not. But obviously, not everybody thinks the same way.

It's already October. Already we are nearing the end of 2010.

I'm looking forward to 2011 actually. Starting college, turning 18 and meeting up with friends are only some of the things I'm anticipating next year.

I'll be going on a hiatus from the online world from November onwards. Till then, I'll keep updating my blog. Or maybe not.

Till the next entry, cheers!

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

Cai Ling,

It's been hard on you. It pains me to hear news of you being harassed like this. And the fact that I'm miles away from you, not being to do much but only offer you words of support and encouragement - pains me even more.

I wish I could give you a big bear hug, and tell you that everything is going to be okay. I wish I can be right by your side, and reassure you that despite the shit that have been happening to you, we as your close friends in Malaysia will always give you the unconditional love and support for you to survive whatever ordeal that you have to face.

It sucks to be taken advantage of like that, really. You have no idea how the guys and I would love to torture and mutilate teach him a lesson, make sure he remembers that doing the same thing to you or in fact, any other girl out there will have him feel like his life is like living hell on planet Earth.

Ling, please take good care of yourself and be wary of jerks. Stay strong alright. You know you can trust me with anything. I'm here for you if you want to confide in me. That applies to the rest of us too.

Still my favourite photograph of all of us.

We love you, Ling. ♥
Sincerely,
Leonie, your one and only LSP.

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Post-SPM Activity #4:
Learn how to play a traditional Chinese musical instrument.
-Erhu Music, ©Geishaninja.-

I'm very proud of my Chinese roots. Yes, I am highly aware that I'm only able to speak simple Chinese and I only know how to read and write simple Chinese words. By the way, I intend to learn the language properly after SPM. This will be further elaborated in a separate post.

Honestly, if I could, I would love to learn to play as many musical instruments as possible. I believe that life is a continuous journey of learning, so I really want to learn as many things as possible till the day I depart to another world.

Of course, I shall not be too greedy. I will start off slow.

The first Chinese musical instrument I would like to pick up is the erhu. It's very hard to describe in words, really - but I had always been fascinated by the sounds an erhu makes. It's beautiful, in a way that isn't physical, but it just enchants me somehow. It made me appreciate the beauty of traditional Chinese music.

The late Yasmin Ahmad's film Talentime also played a major part in me wanting to take up this instrument. It's the scene when Hafiz played his guitar and sang to Pete Teo's I Go, accompanied by Kahoe playing his erhu. I cried in the cinema watching that scene. I really love this song, both the English and Malay versions. The guitar and the erhu music blended harmoniously. To hear music like this is really..amazing.


If I could, I would love to learn how to play the guzheng and the dizi as well. I wonder if classes are available in this area.

Labels: Post-SPM 2010 To-Do List

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©Vintage Diary.
My mood did improve tremendously after two nights of popping half a sleeping pill into my mouth before I go to bed. Mind you, these sleeping pills are prescribed by my doctor okay. Yesterday night was even more splendid, since I managed to get a good night's sleep without relying on sleeping pills of any sort.

Less than a month left till SPM. Exactly one more week till my (hopefully) last chemo session. Freedom is so close, yet so far. There really is so much I want to do after SPM! December is going to be one busy month, what with most of us already rushing into the January intakes of various colleges or flying off to some other country to further their studies. I, on the other hand prefer to stay in the comfort of my home a bit longer and get my life sorted out first, especially health-wise before I consider all that.

I think I mentioned this before, but apparently it's decided that I'm to go for A-Levels at Sunway College Johor Bahru. It's either the June or July intake I'm registering for, because I'm going to take a nice deserved break for the first half of the year doing the things that I enjoy. My dad told me that as long as I pass SPM, he's already satisfied and happy with my results. Same goes with my mum. Of course, I know what I'm capable of. I'll do my best and attempt to get straight A's for two reasons - a) to please my parents and make them happy, and b) to prove that cancer patients can excel despite their conditions.

A-Levels is pretty flexible, especially for someone like me who hasn't decided exactly what field of work she wants to pursue in the future. That gives me about a year and a half to think about what course I really want to take when I'm done with A-Levels. I'm spoilt for choice when it comes to possible courses, but many of my friends think I'll do very well in journalism, especially fashion journalism. Basically, it's either that, criminal/clinical psychology, linguistics or mass communication.

I went to school today to have my graduation photograph taken. Pn. Hjh Norliah was very nice about the whole thing, and went to a lot of trouble to make me look presentable and awesome in my photograph. En. Rahilme, as usual, called me Nicole despite the new circumstances. Inside joke, maybe I'll explain it one day. He was the one who was in charge of taking my photograph. I also saw Miss Ng, En. Ismail, Pn. Norma, Pn. Sakinah, Pn. Haslinda, Pn. Hjh Norizah and Pn. Tan. I happened to see a lot of my peers as well, which was really nice since it had been ages I last saw them. Months, in fact!

Honestly, I'm dying from curiousity. But as they say, curiousity kills the cat. I'm not going to risk anything, so I rather not ask.

I'm questioning my abilities as I'm typing this blog post. I really wonder whether I can succeed in understanding two years' worth of syllabus for Physics, Biology, Chemistry, History and Add. Maths. I hardly remember how to crap for BM essays, and of course, I only intend to memorise the 36 moral values and their definitions a day before the actual exam. I can't remember the formats for Accounts, either. If miracles can really happen, I could do with one right now.

My last blog entry before I go on an official hiatus should be published when I'm in Malacca next week for my last chemo session. After that, it's full speed ahead in mugging for the exams till the 9th of December.

I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series again. I'm guilty of not finishing the seventh book, since I got frustrated and annoyed with Harry's never-ending angsty self halfway through the book. With Part One of its movie coming out in cinemas soon, I realised I never really understood many issues in the series. It's undeniable the books are much better than the movies, but I admit, I'm getting into the hype again after watching the first movie on Channel 5 recently. Personally, my favourite book is the first, but we'll see about that. Maybe I'll change my mind after I'm done with all seven books. Currently, I'm reading the second book. I really should be reading thick reference books instead.

I'm still curious. Oh well.

Cheers!

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©elizabeth anne.
The past few nights have been awful. Insomnia is hitting me once more, and I find it hard to fall asleep. I don't know why, but all these random thoughts just start crowding my head. It's difficult to clear my mind of all that clutter and just relax.

To add to my already-existing problems, nightmares have been haunting me if I actually managed to fall into a deep slumber. These nightmares don't even involve scary creatures or maniacal killers with blood and gore.

In fact, they revolve around disappointment. I constantly see myself being told off by the people I love, the people I really care for. I see myself being alienated from society. I see myself as a failure in life. I realised situations like these scare me more.

I find myself waking up in the middle of the night, in tears.

Hence, I have been one very cranky and moody human recently. Cranky because I didn't get enough sleep, moody because of how real those nightmares felt and they really impacted me a lot.

Knowing me, I think I'll get over this phase once I have enough sleep. I would have indulged myself with some chocolate, unfortunately I'm banned from eating it for now due to my condition. I do believe chocolate helps one to feel better about themselves. It is scientifically proven and explained.

My school is having a graduation ceremony for the fifth formers and the upper six students this Saturday. The headmistress has advised me to not attend, since the hall is going to be packed with people, which means the chances of me getting infected is really high. Fellow fifth formers, especially my friends are kind of protesting against the headmistress because of that. I can't blame her, really. I know it's for my own good, but honestly, it sucks that I can't even attend my own graduation.

I heard that I got a High Distinction for the English New South Wales Test and a Distinction for the Mathematics New South Wales Test. I never even got a Distinction for both subjects before since I started sitting for these exams from 2008 onwards, so I guess I'm just very lucky.

Oh yes, I am aware that the English I use is very dramatic at most times. Personally, I am a very dramatic person, therefore self-expression through dramatic means. If you can't accept the way I type or talk, seriously that isn't my problem. I'm not bothered to change to please you, you and you. I'm not grammatically correct all the time, but on my blog I do aim to use English to its best. Instead of STFU, I'm going to be direct and type it in full, so shut the fuck up already and don't criticise the way I express my ideas if you can't even spell simple words or punctuate your sentences correctly.

Obviously, this isn't a good day for me. May it be better tomorrow.

Cheers.

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©alexisgay.

No...
I really don't think so
that you'd think I'd be incapable
of being on my own

No...
I really don't think so
that I would for a second let you
back in through my door

I have spent
many a-nights even when
you were by my side
I shed tears I couldn't dry

But I should thank you for
taking my blindfold off
now I ain't jaded no more
And I take pride
in bein' the one that said goodbye
that could only mean
I am me, once more

You would turn
your head the other way
so you won't have to listen
to what I had to say

You assumed
that I needed you
but you didn't realize that
I needed no one but myself

But I should thank you for
taking my blindfold off
now I ain't jaded no more
And I take pride
in bein' the one that said goodbye
that could only mean
I am me, once more
I Am Me Once More, ©Zee Avi.

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©Elizabeth.Brooke

I really need to start going on a hiatus soon. 'So much to do, so little time.' This phrase never fails to apply to me. It's bad enough that I'm terrible at handling time. But knowing that the hour, minute and second hands are certainly waiting for no one, especially me - it doesn't help one bit.

Easy enough for me to just type it down, I don't think I'm capable of going on a serious hiatus anyway. Not till the start of November, to be honest.

I'm surrounded by two years' worth of Biology notes, and the sight of them is making me really guilty as to why I'm still here, blogging about the SPM blues. I don't need to add to the already-existing stress and pressure experienced by my fellow fifth-formers. My bad there, do accept my sincerest apologies. Other than my mother, a few close friends and the nurses who have tended to me in the hospital, my blog is one more place to rant about how I'm really not ready for this apparent life-deciding exam.

What really annoys me is that I know I'm actually capable of scoring well for SPM. Due to my condition, a lot of people have lowered their expectations on me concerning my results. I can deal with not disappointing people, but the thought of not doing well when I actually can - it disturbs me greatly, really. Unexpected side-effects from chemotherapy and fatigue consumes quite a lot of my time already. Sheesh. It doesn't help how easily distracted and unfocused I can get as well.

On another note, I have been listening to a lot of Zee Avi. I'm proud that she's a Malaysian, and even more at the fact that she composed such beautiful lyrics I can relate to. I might introduce a few of my favourites when I feel that I have achieved clearer ideas and notions about the ten subjects I'm sitting for SPM.

Cheers to us mugging and cramming!

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Post-SPM Activity #3:
Complete Grade 7 and 8 for piano.
-Piano, ©Moona.-
I'm not sure about now, but there was this period of time when some parents were forcing their child/children to learn how to play an instrument, common examples include the piano, violin and even the organ.

I'm lucky, really. I myself decided that I wanted to learn how to play the piano, decipher music notes and coordinate both my hands to play proper tunes. I learnt to appreciate classical music, which is actually quite a joy to listen to. A lot of people I know think that classical music is terribly boring, and the instant they hear the start of a classical piece, they'll start yawning very loudly.

My first lesson was when I was still studying in Primary 5. My first teacher taught me the basics. She stopped working as a piano teacher when she got married.

So I was assigned to another piano teacher, who was just terrifying to me. I can't even remember her name now, but I still remember the way she taught me during our very first lesson together. She was super strict and fierce. She snapped at me every time, even if I made just the slightest mistake. I think if she could, she would be holding a cane in her hand while conducting her class with me. The moment the lesson ended and I got into the car, my mum was shocked to see me burst into tears and sob continuously. I actually wanted to quit learning the piano because of this teacher. And that was the last time I saw her. Thank goodness.

My third piano teacher was fairly nice. She will be strict only when she had to, and that rarely happened when she taught me. She even allowed me to skip both the theory and practical exams for Grade 1 and 2. I went straight on to Grade 3, and I didn't do too bad.

Finally, my fourth and the best piano teacher I ever had so far. If you had been a reader of my blog since the start of my secondary school days, the name Miss Ng wouldn't be unfamiliar to you. She was only older than me by a few years, so she was like an elder sister to me, and still is. We could talk about anything and everything together. It's really comfortable for me to confide in her my secrets and problems, and she trusts me enough to tell me her personal issues as well.

I honestly appreciate the way she taught me how to play the piano. She didn't just made me play scales and learn new songs, she made me discover the importance of playing the piano expressively and to feel the music while pressing those black and white keys. Before, I merely played the piano according to whatever note that was printed on the sheet music given to me. Sincerely, I'm grateful to have met her.

When I entered Form 4, I temporarily stopped my piano lessons to concentrate on my SPM subjects and my very hectic school and tuition schedules. I promised myself that I would finish up Grade 7 and 8 when I'm done with high school and SPM. All the more now, since a good friend of mine, Anna who has been very supportive of me to actively pick up the piano again. I admit, I have been lazy since I didn't have the pressure of piano exams to make me practise.

I contacted Miss Ng recently, and I'm glad she's doing okay. We already made plans to meet up when I don't have to be self-quarantined anymore. It's been two years since I last saw her, and I really can't wait to catch up with her again. Her, and my very patient friends. (:

Cheers!

Labels: Post-SPM 2010 To-Do List

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People change.

You changed.

I feel like I don't know you anymore.

To the old you,
please come back.

I miss you.

I really do.

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Post-SPM Activity #2:
Learn a form of dance.
-Dance, ©NaturalBornCreative.-
I remember when I was a young kid, the first form of dance that I wanted to pick up was ballet. In my primary school days, I knew a lot of my friends who took up ballet. I guess that's where the influence came from.

Back then, my parents couldn't afford for me to learn ballet. I have to admit, it isn't cheap at all. Besides, my parents made it up to me by letting me learn the piano instead. No regrets, really!

I find ballet a very graceful form of dance. Till this very moment, I still appreciate seeing ballet at its best. I don't find it boring at all, seriously.

But for me to learn ballet after SPM, I personally don't think so. Obviously I would fail miserably in body flexibility. And I might risk breaking a bone or two. You should see the point by now.

I'm considering hip-hop. Maybe street dancing. I might even go contemporary. And there is always pole dancing! If you happen to be narrow-minded and think that pole dancing is something raunchy and naughty, get out and explore the world for goodness' sake.

It's a good way to keep fit. And besides modelling and photography, dance is another beautiful form of art which is capable of expressing emotions and creative thoughts.

I'm really into the arts, in case you don't already know by now.

Labels: Post-SPM 2010 To-Do List

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Post-SPM Activity #1:
A day out at the beach with some awesome company.
©Michael's Tumblr.
Seeing the picture above somehow reminded me of how I got ambushed by Jeffrey and Picasso two years ago during RYLA '08. After failed attempts to free myself from their strong grips on my wrists and ankles, the next thing I knew was that I was swallowing sea water in the South China Sea. I miss those good old times a lot.

I have been studying today, only to receive a cruel wake-up call on how little I know in the subjects I'm taking for SPM. Honestly, the only subject which I'm confident on scoring at least an A is English. I don't even want to think of the other nine subjects I'm sitting for. Gosh.

I have to learn how to write long essays again. After two months from taking a break getting used to chemotherapy and all, I found my wrist and hand aching terribly after writing a few mere sentences. In 48 days, I need to learn how to write again. Hurrah. If my handwriting doesn't improve in 48 days, the examiners are most probably going to get furious marking my papers and they're going to give me low marks because they can't bear to read my bad handwriting any further.

Studying isn't that bad after all. I find myself actually wanting to work on sums. I can't say the same for the sciences and History though.

Thanks to Anna, I finally found a site which allows me to generate a signature which I can include at the end of my blog entries. I always wanted a classy way to end my posts. It looks more..complete, somehow. To me, anyway.

A lot of people I know believe that I can do very well for SPM. Well, I'm not sure if I can achieve much in 48 days, but I'll try my best. Hopefully, my next two chemo sessions won't burden my body too much. I really need to buck up, and get SPM over and done with. That applies to my having cancer too.

I think I'll attempt to study Chemistry now.

Till the next entry, cheers!

Labels: Post-SPM 2010 To-Do List

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©nikolinelr.
I had been having strange dreams recently. Ridiculous as they are, they are so painfully real. At least insomnia hasn't been a problem for the past few nights. For someone who never had problems sleeping at night, tossing and turning in bed certainly was a change. As insomnia is one of the many side-effects of chemotherapy, I can only bear with it until I'm officially done with cancer.

Recently, I also find myself feeling very poetic. I have been composing lyrics, and I have tunes in my head that go along with them. For the first time in my life, I finally feel creative. I always find myself a very unoriginal and boring person, even if my friends don't think so.

Maybe it's a sign that I'm slowly losing my mind.

Blink 182's I Miss You is on repeat tonight. Listening to it doesn't only comforts me, but somehow I feel this song easily hypnotises me into feeling nothingness.

Sometimes I wonder, why are people willing to step down to the lowest of lows just to get something they want? Is it worth it gaining something through underhand means? I certainly think not. But obviously, not everybody thinks the same way.

It's already October. Already we are nearing the end of 2010.

I'm looking forward to 2011 actually. Starting college, turning 18 and meeting up with friends are only some of the things I'm anticipating next year.

I'll be going on a hiatus from the online world from November onwards. Till then, I'll keep updating my blog. Or maybe not.

Till the next entry, cheers!

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