I am fully aware it's the test season now and I'm still sitting here blogging away, not a care for the world.

Okay, fine. So maybe I do care.

So why am I blogging today, when I still have Chemistry, Math and EST tomorrow?

• I got told off by Puan Habibah for not distributing the newspapers for only ONE DAY. I admit, it is my responsibility, so maybe I do deserve it. But, I'm honestly so sick and tired of life, literally, and what more with tests and all, I got really pissed and frustrated. If it wasn't for Min Wen who persuaded me to distribute today's newspapers, I would had just left it there for Puan Habibah to settle them herself. Puan Habibah also tried to speak to me nicely in the staff room, but all I could remember was giving her loads of fake smiles and laughs. I honestly hate being a prefect, if I had a choice, I wouldn't had been one in the first place. Stupid cert.

• Apparently I was supposed to skip all my tests for today to go for debate practice in the library for the whole day. At least..that's what Fairuz and Najwa did. Guess what? I sat for the tests instead. To be really honest, even if I couldn't answer any shit in those papers and literally made myself an unofficial historian by rewriting the definitions of all the history terms that were tested in this test and making up my own history as well for the entire subjective section, I felt comfortable sitting in class surrounded by familiar faces rather than facing a very furious Miss Nav, Sherylee and Nicole. Why wouldn't Fai and Najwa be mad at me? Well..only they know the real reason about me backing out from the main team among the rest of them debate people. So yeah, I think I can count on them.

Speaking of Miss Nav, she hasn't been letting me off this easy.

Since The Huge Drama I had with her after having her cornering and ranting at me in the school's parking lot, with both students and teachers witnessing it all at the same time, I can tell you, my self-esteem had gone from bad to worse. I'd never felt good about myself debating, knowing I'm not a smooth talker like Nicole, or fierce and sharp like Sherylee, nor have the professionalism of Najwa who's an experienced speaker and Fai who's really calm and concise when she speaks. I'm not very spontaneous either, and the way I speak and how I present myself while speaking is atrociously rude and insanely horrible. I also am the main reason why we almost lost to SDJ till Nicole saved us from the losing end by bringing us up by 3 points with her wonderful reply speech. I'm the worst speaker in the team, and if only Sherylee could join the main team but all because her parents don't allow her to join debate this year, she wouldn't had to choose me.

And believe it or not, Miss Nav said all of that to me. Right to my face.
I mean, I'm this bad, so yeah, what's the point on me staying on?

At one point after The Huge Drama, I considered staying on in the team for the sake of the cert. But, other things just had to happen. Family problems occurred (No further elaboration here. If you're really a friend and you do care about me, ask me yourself. PATY.) and transport to and from school would be an issue. I can't stay back as often as what debate really requires and I really don't want to trouble my family anymore, especially my mum. Who's practically working her brains out till she's pretty worn out and really stressed by the end of the day. I really don't want to add to her troubles either, so yeah, I didn't go for Sunday's debate meeting 'cos this all began on the same day.

Next day in school, I was pretty much brain dead, sleeping for only..2 hours? I couldn't bear with the exhaustion and decided to come clean with Miss Nav. I told her the truth and that I wanted to pull out from debate because I'm honestly worried I cannot give her the full commitment she wants from her debators.

Instead, she didn't let me pull out first. She only replied that we'll have to wait for Sherylee.

Right then, when Sherylee came up to the library, Miss Nav asked her to be the team's third speaker, replacing me. And I admit, I was slightly relieved as I thought I can put debate behind me for this year, not endure Miss Nav's continued criticism on me and me only and comparing me to the other speakers, and get on with life, try to study, and work on other things that doesn't require this much commitment.

You know what?


As per usual.

Miss Nav made me the reserve instead.

I wanted to tell her no, but before I could say anything, she just moved on by bringing up the motion for the round against Convent.

And there was me.

Those few seconds of freedom, gone.

In a flash, in a snap.

I didn't go for another debate meeting after that, till the day of the semi-finals. I saw Miss Nav in the morning when I was sorting out the newspapers, and she merely told me to inform Najwa and Fai to go to the hall straight away after the morning assembly.

Fine, I just passed her message like she asked me to.

So, I went for classes like usual. Approximately two hours later, a girl came up and told me that Miss Nav wanted me at the hall. NOW.

I knew very well what to expect.

More rantings?

More criticism?

More biasness?

Lots were going through my head at that time.

And there she was in the hall.

First thing when she saw me, here comes those words.

Miss Nav : Leonie, where had you been?? I told you to come down at 7.30AM!! Where were you??
Leonie : (trying to tell her she DIDN'T tell me to come down at all, but seeing that she was furious and knowing that I'm on the losing side, since she hated me so much, I decided on another excuse.) I had to see Puan Hajah Afrinah and a few other teachers just now.

Truth : I did see Puan Hajah Afrinah okay. She was coming in for History just as the girl came up to call me. So I told her I had to leave the class for debate, and she was asking me all sorts of questions like who was our next opponent. I told her it's going to be Convent, and she was really supportive in a way, telling me all the best and what not and said that she really hoped that we can beat Convent at long last after losing to them few years in a row. About the few other teachers part, I am telling the truth indirectly. Not see the few other teachers as in they had matters they wanted to discuss with me, but more to I saw the teachers teaching me in class :x

Miss Nav : Seeing Puan Hajah Afrinah took you two hours?? That long?? Are you sure??
Leonie : *tries to retaliate and defend myself, but..*
Miss Nav : Leonie, are you still a part of this team?? Are you abandoning the team?? You see, everybody is working so hard except for YOU.
Inner Leonie : Oh what the freak, I already told you before, dearest teacher, that I couldn't give my full commitment to debate like before, so I volunteered to pull out since I was that useless to the team and besides, you had the third speaker you wanted back in the team again. What do you gain from me staying on in the team? And you're accusing ME?? Oh yearh, you freaking didn't tell me I had to be at the hall!! So there!

There's more after that, but I decided not to type them here as it would seem like I'm a huge Sherylee-hater or something. For your information, especially to some of the Form 5 seniors in my school that think I'm such a problematic human which a lot of you dislike, I don't hate her. I merely treat her as a senior. That's all. It doesn't mean I have to be all buddy-buddy with her and win her favour to be my friend. If this is offensive to you guys, I sincerely apologize, but when you guys talk about me that way, I get offended too okay. I have feelings too, in case y'all happen to not know.

Okay, back to the main topic. Before any of you judge me on what I wrote about Miss Nav..

Miss Nav might want to keep me as the reserve because :

1. Of The Good. She didn't want my previous effort in the team to be wasted, as I had and did spoke in the first two rounds we went through, so she wanted me to stay for the cert's sake.
   
2. Of The Bad. She's only going to keep me in to find stats, edit scripts, think of possible POIs, find more stats, and then crack my skull thinking of possible POIs. Or she might just need a pushover, aka yours truly, to be her frequent punching bag whenever she's pissed or stressed out.
3. OF BOTH.

Frankly, I say it's the third option.

Okay, for The Good, I thank you. And that's about it.

The Bad?

You're not the only one who'll get stressed out. You're not the only one who needs to rant. You're not the only one who wants us to be the champs for this debate competiotion. You're not the only one who has so much work to do in school. You're not the only one who'll get angry and pissed.

And if you really wanted Sherylee in the team in the first place, why even bothered picking me, the useless debator who's nothing but a burden then?

I admit, Sherylee is better than me, I had never denied it. But you're just making me feel worse about myself, and not any better, knowing very well being in the English debate team is quite an honour.

I'm sorry, but I feel very caged with you around, and frankly, I have no idea on how to survive with you for another two years in this school with you.

Say what? Joining debate next year?

Definitely, I don't know what the future holds for me, but for now, and my mind is quite made up. If this year's chaos and hectic life is going to be similar to 2010, my answer would be..



And, if you people think I'm just being a selfish idiot who only cares about myself, I can assure you I'm not.

You guys might think, "Hey, Miss Nav might be criticizing you to help you improve, knowing you have potential, etc.," the likes.

Yearh, right.

Criticize me alone?

Blame it on me alone?

I admit, I make mistakes. All humans err. But everybody else in the team seem so perfect in her eyes, and I just feel like trash.

Owh, I hear more.

"Miss Nav might be treating you this way, but you're just being weak by whining about it. This should be something to help you be stronger about such comments. And you're giving up debate for someone like her? It's not worth it."

But hell yeah, I think it's really worth it. If I can even get my arse out of the debating arena.

Whining?

Hey, my blog. My space to rant.

At least I don't throw a temper when I'm moody or tired or stressed at other people and make them feel bad about themselves at the same time.

Finals against SSI tomorrow, and I don't even know whether I'm still in the team or not, since I had been outrageously sick these past few days and had been unavailable when Miss Nav had been calling me. On my phone, yesh.

I rather not, but yeah, if I'm still in, I have to face Miss Nav and Sherylee and Nicole all day.

Definitely not looking forward to that at all.

Life sucks, and hardly anybody can understand.

Yippee.

***** I know, blogging about this on my blog that can be viewed easily and is not private will have a high risk of me getting into more trouble, what more with the gossips and the tell-tales around at school.

Let it be. I'm so tired already..

I need a place for me to pour out too.

Lately I had been falling sick so often. On and off fever, the flu. I blame it all on the current stress level I'm at now. With a very unstable emotional side of me all locked up, nobody to confide the full story in.

Everybody just judges a book by its cover, without reading the book first.

Listen up y'all.

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

I am fully aware it's the test season now and I'm still sitting here blogging away, not a care for the world.

Okay, fine. So maybe I do care.

So why am I blogging today, when I still have Chemistry, Math and EST tomorrow?

• I got told off by Puan Habibah for not distributing the newspapers for only ONE DAY. I admit, it is my responsibility, so maybe I do deserve it. But, I'm honestly so sick and tired of life, literally, and what more with tests and all, I got really pissed and frustrated. If it wasn't for Min Wen who persuaded me to distribute today's newspapers, I would had just left it there for Puan Habibah to settle them herself. Puan Habibah also tried to speak to me nicely in the staff room, but all I could remember was giving her loads of fake smiles and laughs. I honestly hate being a prefect, if I had a choice, I wouldn't had been one in the first place. Stupid cert.

• Apparently I was supposed to skip all my tests for today to go for debate practice in the library for the whole day. At least..that's what Fairuz and Najwa did. Guess what? I sat for the tests instead. To be really honest, even if I couldn't answer any shit in those papers and literally made myself an unofficial historian by rewriting the definitions of all the history terms that were tested in this test and making up my own history as well for the entire subjective section, I felt comfortable sitting in class surrounded by familiar faces rather than facing a very furious Miss Nav, Sherylee and Nicole. Why wouldn't Fai and Najwa be mad at me? Well..only they know the real reason about me backing out from the main team among the rest of them debate people. So yeah, I think I can count on them.

Speaking of Miss Nav, she hasn't been letting me off this easy.

Since The Huge Drama I had with her after having her cornering and ranting at me in the school's parking lot, with both students and teachers witnessing it all at the same time, I can tell you, my self-esteem had gone from bad to worse. I'd never felt good about myself debating, knowing I'm not a smooth talker like Nicole, or fierce and sharp like Sherylee, nor have the professionalism of Najwa who's an experienced speaker and Fai who's really calm and concise when she speaks. I'm not very spontaneous either, and the way I speak and how I present myself while speaking is atrociously rude and insanely horrible. I also am the main reason why we almost lost to SDJ till Nicole saved us from the losing end by bringing us up by 3 points with her wonderful reply speech. I'm the worst speaker in the team, and if only Sherylee could join the main team but all because her parents don't allow her to join debate this year, she wouldn't had to choose me.

And believe it or not, Miss Nav said all of that to me. Right to my face.
I mean, I'm this bad, so yeah, what's the point on me staying on?

At one point after The Huge Drama, I considered staying on in the team for the sake of the cert. But, other things just had to happen. Family problems occurred (No further elaboration here. If you're really a friend and you do care about me, ask me yourself. PATY.) and transport to and from school would be an issue. I can't stay back as often as what debate really requires and I really don't want to trouble my family anymore, especially my mum. Who's practically working her brains out till she's pretty worn out and really stressed by the end of the day. I really don't want to add to her troubles either, so yeah, I didn't go for Sunday's debate meeting 'cos this all began on the same day.

Next day in school, I was pretty much brain dead, sleeping for only..2 hours? I couldn't bear with the exhaustion and decided to come clean with Miss Nav. I told her the truth and that I wanted to pull out from debate because I'm honestly worried I cannot give her the full commitment she wants from her debators.

Instead, she didn't let me pull out first. She only replied that we'll have to wait for Sherylee.

Right then, when Sherylee came up to the library, Miss Nav asked her to be the team's third speaker, replacing me. And I admit, I was slightly relieved as I thought I can put debate behind me for this year, not endure Miss Nav's continued criticism on me and me only and comparing me to the other speakers, and get on with life, try to study, and work on other things that doesn't require this much commitment.

You know what?


As per usual.

Miss Nav made me the reserve instead.

I wanted to tell her no, but before I could say anything, she just moved on by bringing up the motion for the round against Convent.

And there was me.

Those few seconds of freedom, gone.

In a flash, in a snap.

I didn't go for another debate meeting after that, till the day of the semi-finals. I saw Miss Nav in the morning when I was sorting out the newspapers, and she merely told me to inform Najwa and Fai to go to the hall straight away after the morning assembly.

Fine, I just passed her message like she asked me to.

So, I went for classes like usual. Approximately two hours later, a girl came up and told me that Miss Nav wanted me at the hall. NOW.

I knew very well what to expect.

More rantings?

More criticism?

More biasness?

Lots were going through my head at that time.

And there she was in the hall.

First thing when she saw me, here comes those words.

Miss Nav : Leonie, where had you been?? I told you to come down at 7.30AM!! Where were you??
Leonie : (trying to tell her she DIDN'T tell me to come down at all, but seeing that she was furious and knowing that I'm on the losing side, since she hated me so much, I decided on another excuse.) I had to see Puan Hajah Afrinah and a few other teachers just now.

Truth : I did see Puan Hajah Afrinah okay. She was coming in for History just as the girl came up to call me. So I told her I had to leave the class for debate, and she was asking me all sorts of questions like who was our next opponent. I told her it's going to be Convent, and she was really supportive in a way, telling me all the best and what not and said that she really hoped that we can beat Convent at long last after losing to them few years in a row. About the few other teachers part, I am telling the truth indirectly. Not see the few other teachers as in they had matters they wanted to discuss with me, but more to I saw the teachers teaching me in class :x

Miss Nav : Seeing Puan Hajah Afrinah took you two hours?? That long?? Are you sure??
Leonie : *tries to retaliate and defend myself, but..*
Miss Nav : Leonie, are you still a part of this team?? Are you abandoning the team?? You see, everybody is working so hard except for YOU.
Inner Leonie : Oh what the freak, I already told you before, dearest teacher, that I couldn't give my full commitment to debate like before, so I volunteered to pull out since I was that useless to the team and besides, you had the third speaker you wanted back in the team again. What do you gain from me staying on in the team? And you're accusing ME?? Oh yearh, you freaking didn't tell me I had to be at the hall!! So there!

There's more after that, but I decided not to type them here as it would seem like I'm a huge Sherylee-hater or something. For your information, especially to some of the Form 5 seniors in my school that think I'm such a problematic human which a lot of you dislike, I don't hate her. I merely treat her as a senior. That's all. It doesn't mean I have to be all buddy-buddy with her and win her favour to be my friend. If this is offensive to you guys, I sincerely apologize, but when you guys talk about me that way, I get offended too okay. I have feelings too, in case y'all happen to not know.

Okay, back to the main topic. Before any of you judge me on what I wrote about Miss Nav..

Miss Nav might want to keep me as the reserve because :

1. Of The Good. She didn't want my previous effort in the team to be wasted, as I had and did spoke in the first two rounds we went through, so she wanted me to stay for the cert's sake.
   
2. Of The Bad. She's only going to keep me in to find stats, edit scripts, think of possible POIs, find more stats, and then crack my skull thinking of possible POIs. Or she might just need a pushover, aka yours truly, to be her frequent punching bag whenever she's pissed or stressed out.
3. OF BOTH.

Frankly, I say it's the third option.

Okay, for The Good, I thank you. And that's about it.

The Bad?

You're not the only one who'll get stressed out. You're not the only one who needs to rant. You're not the only one who wants us to be the champs for this debate competiotion. You're not the only one who has so much work to do in school. You're not the only one who'll get angry and pissed.

And if you really wanted Sherylee in the team in the first place, why even bothered picking me, the useless debator who's nothing but a burden then?

I admit, Sherylee is better than me, I had never denied it. But you're just making me feel worse about myself, and not any better, knowing very well being in the English debate team is quite an honour.

I'm sorry, but I feel very caged with you around, and frankly, I have no idea on how to survive with you for another two years in this school with you.

Say what? Joining debate next year?

Definitely, I don't know what the future holds for me, but for now, and my mind is quite made up. If this year's chaos and hectic life is going to be similar to 2010, my answer would be..



And, if you people think I'm just being a selfish idiot who only cares about myself, I can assure you I'm not.

You guys might think, "Hey, Miss Nav might be criticizing you to help you improve, knowing you have potential, etc.," the likes.

Yearh, right.

Criticize me alone?

Blame it on me alone?

I admit, I make mistakes. All humans err. But everybody else in the team seem so perfect in her eyes, and I just feel like trash.

Owh, I hear more.

"Miss Nav might be treating you this way, but you're just being weak by whining about it. This should be something to help you be stronger about such comments. And you're giving up debate for someone like her? It's not worth it."

But hell yeah, I think it's really worth it. If I can even get my arse out of the debating arena.

Whining?

Hey, my blog. My space to rant.

At least I don't throw a temper when I'm moody or tired or stressed at other people and make them feel bad about themselves at the same time.

Finals against SSI tomorrow, and I don't even know whether I'm still in the team or not, since I had been outrageously sick these past few days and had been unavailable when Miss Nav had been calling me. On my phone, yesh.

I rather not, but yeah, if I'm still in, I have to face Miss Nav and Sherylee and Nicole all day.

Definitely not looking forward to that at all.

Life sucks, and hardly anybody can understand.

Yippee.

***** I know, blogging about this on my blog that can be viewed easily and is not private will have a high risk of me getting into more trouble, what more with the gossips and the tell-tales around at school.

Let it be. I'm so tired already..

I need a place for me to pour out too.

Lately I had been falling sick so often. On and off fever, the flu. I blame it all on the current stress level I'm at now. With a very unstable emotional side of me all locked up, nobody to confide the full story in.

Everybody just judges a book by its cover, without reading the book first.

Listen up y'all.

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