"Caged."
Trapped within my own feelings?
Yes I definitely am.

This blog can only do this much as a source to channel all the pent-up emotions from the daily life of yours truly.

But my blog is also public, therefore I still have to be careful of what I write down here.

As of this year, do I only know that my presence make such a huge impact on some people.

It's quite an ah-mazing discovery for an insignificant homosapien like moi.

But ironically, I rather stay as that insignificant human with a drama-less life then have all of this hitting me at one go.

So, to these two humans that told me that my appearance in their lives had made such an impact on them, I have something to say.

Something that I can't bear to say directly to the both of you, for I really do not want you both to feel hurt, as if I really did made such a huge impact in your lives as you both apparently say, I might be charged the following day as a suspect involved in a suicide case.

I have a whole life in front of me, and I don't want anybody dead over mere little me, so here it is.

To You.
The moment we met we never agreed on anything.
And finally when we started getting closer and all, you changed into someone nicer.
Too nice if I might say.
I know, I sound too much,
as in why am I even bothered to rant about someone being nicer to me,
'cos ain't that supposed to be a good thing?
But the problem is, you changed because of me, and frankly,
I'm not used to the new you.
Maybe that is why I told you to give me a break,
to sort out my thoughts and emotions.
I was friends with you for the fact that we had so much to talk about and exchange our opinions on,
and the next moment you were all sweet words,
and going on and on about how perfect I am and such.
I'm sorry, maybe you didn't do anything wrong and any normal teen girl would had been squealing in pure delight with your words,
but this is me.
I'm very practical and I just got really disgusted with what you often said to me.
All that stuff which you added the word forever in,
I was actually thinking back on how long this would last.
I don't think this can work out anymore,
so I advise you to move on,
and I'm sorry.
It's not because of him I'm doing all this,
but I just realized I can't handle this kind of issues yet,
even if I'm as mature in thought as you said I am.

To You.
My biggest mistake to you is to get carried away by your honest feelings,
and I was fazed by everything you said.
Every time I would be asking myself the same thing,
"Is this what I really feel and think about you?
'Cos I think I might be lying to you without realizing it."
Sorry wouldn't be enough to diminish the pain you might go through if you'll ever know it's you I'm talking about.
I'm actually not very impressed at all that you're incorporating me into many aspects of your life,
especially with the fact you said you were inspired by me and the results from that aren't really as great as expected.
I rather you be yourself,
for that's the reason why I liked you as a really good friend in the first place.
I never felt that cared by any individual before,
nor did I ever felt so loved either.
I'm touched by all the things you said to me,
but..
Am I really worth all your time and emotions?
Am I worth being the subject of your poems and songs that you composed?
Am I worth the wait?
'Cos honestly, I don't think I deserve you.
I'm too practical, emotionless and selfish to deserve this attention from you.
Telling this to your face would kill you inside,
'cos I truly know you're really emotional and sentimental.
And I just couldn't bear to say it to your face.

To the both of you,
I rather if we stayed great close friends.
It's because of the both of you,
that I'm not so sure of my original principles in life anymore.
If I were to speak a truth about this,
is that both of you had made great impacts in my life too.
Sorry is really not enough,
I know.
But I can't live in this lie anymore.
And I can't go on knowing that I'm just lying to the both of you.
I got carried away,
to put it rudely to myself,
I think I might actually had played with both your feelings.
I sound like a bitch saying this.
But,
I would say this again and once more,
openly and publicly on this blog,
that I do not have a crush nor love any guy,
for the time being,
and that's because of another,
he stole from me all prospects of loving another,
and turned my heart into stone.
Thanks to this individual,
now two would have to suffer the consequences.
I don't expect the both of you to forgive me,
and I know it's too much to forget easily.
Please.
All I'm asking for now is some time to get my life organized,
to sort my thoughts out.
And to rethink whether we still can work this out,
whether as friends or to be involved in that emotion with that four lettered word,
called LOVE.

I know this word can't give the same impact as what my doings had did to you both,
but still,
sincerely from the bottom of my stoned heart..

I'm sorry.

For letting you guys get to know and love the pathetic me.

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

"Caged."
Trapped within my own feelings?
Yes I definitely am.

This blog can only do this much as a source to channel all the pent-up emotions from the daily life of yours truly.

But my blog is also public, therefore I still have to be careful of what I write down here.

As of this year, do I only know that my presence make such a huge impact on some people.

It's quite an ah-mazing discovery for an insignificant homosapien like moi.

But ironically, I rather stay as that insignificant human with a drama-less life then have all of this hitting me at one go.

So, to these two humans that told me that my appearance in their lives had made such an impact on them, I have something to say.

Something that I can't bear to say directly to the both of you, for I really do not want you both to feel hurt, as if I really did made such a huge impact in your lives as you both apparently say, I might be charged the following day as a suspect involved in a suicide case.

I have a whole life in front of me, and I don't want anybody dead over mere little me, so here it is.

To You.
The moment we met we never agreed on anything.
And finally when we started getting closer and all, you changed into someone nicer.
Too nice if I might say.
I know, I sound too much,
as in why am I even bothered to rant about someone being nicer to me,
'cos ain't that supposed to be a good thing?
But the problem is, you changed because of me, and frankly,
I'm not used to the new you.
Maybe that is why I told you to give me a break,
to sort out my thoughts and emotions.
I was friends with you for the fact that we had so much to talk about and exchange our opinions on,
and the next moment you were all sweet words,
and going on and on about how perfect I am and such.
I'm sorry, maybe you didn't do anything wrong and any normal teen girl would had been squealing in pure delight with your words,
but this is me.
I'm very practical and I just got really disgusted with what you often said to me.
All that stuff which you added the word forever in,
I was actually thinking back on how long this would last.
I don't think this can work out anymore,
so I advise you to move on,
and I'm sorry.
It's not because of him I'm doing all this,
but I just realized I can't handle this kind of issues yet,
even if I'm as mature in thought as you said I am.

To You.
My biggest mistake to you is to get carried away by your honest feelings,
and I was fazed by everything you said.
Every time I would be asking myself the same thing,
"Is this what I really feel and think about you?
'Cos I think I might be lying to you without realizing it."
Sorry wouldn't be enough to diminish the pain you might go through if you'll ever know it's you I'm talking about.
I'm actually not very impressed at all that you're incorporating me into many aspects of your life,
especially with the fact you said you were inspired by me and the results from that aren't really as great as expected.
I rather you be yourself,
for that's the reason why I liked you as a really good friend in the first place.
I never felt that cared by any individual before,
nor did I ever felt so loved either.
I'm touched by all the things you said to me,
but..
Am I really worth all your time and emotions?
Am I worth being the subject of your poems and songs that you composed?
Am I worth the wait?
'Cos honestly, I don't think I deserve you.
I'm too practical, emotionless and selfish to deserve this attention from you.
Telling this to your face would kill you inside,
'cos I truly know you're really emotional and sentimental.
And I just couldn't bear to say it to your face.

To the both of you,
I rather if we stayed great close friends.
It's because of the both of you,
that I'm not so sure of my original principles in life anymore.
If I were to speak a truth about this,
is that both of you had made great impacts in my life too.
Sorry is really not enough,
I know.
But I can't live in this lie anymore.
And I can't go on knowing that I'm just lying to the both of you.
I got carried away,
to put it rudely to myself,
I think I might actually had played with both your feelings.
I sound like a bitch saying this.
But,
I would say this again and once more,
openly and publicly on this blog,
that I do not have a crush nor love any guy,
for the time being,
and that's because of another,
he stole from me all prospects of loving another,
and turned my heart into stone.
Thanks to this individual,
now two would have to suffer the consequences.
I don't expect the both of you to forgive me,
and I know it's too much to forget easily.
Please.
All I'm asking for now is some time to get my life organized,
to sort my thoughts out.
And to rethink whether we still can work this out,
whether as friends or to be involved in that emotion with that four lettered word,
called LOVE.

I know this word can't give the same impact as what my doings had did to you both,
but still,
sincerely from the bottom of my stoned heart..

I'm sorry.

For letting you guys get to know and love the pathetic me.

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