Okay, I had been online for eight hours non-stop, with proper snack and TeeVee breaks between intervals.

Been blog-viewing, updating my very boring life with some recent news around the community, society, what the heck, and apparently many third-formers had blogged about their "Road to Liberation". And many do feel the joy and freedom from PMR being over for good.

But honestly, I didn't feel anything for it at all.

Right after the Geography paper, everybody was smiling, laughing, hugging their friends. I won't say that nobody embraced me in their happiness and glee, I gladly accepted and gave them a smile.

But that was about it.

I didn't even cheer when the teachers congratulated us for so-called finishing our journey.

Well, call me weird, label me a freak. I'm already used to it.

The only emotion I really felt throughout the whole process.

Emptiness.

Seriously, I just felt totally blanked out through the whole thingamajig.

Speaking of post-PMR blues, I was supposed to hang out with some friends after school earlier. But, due to personal reasons, I didn't exactly make it in the end. In any case, even if I did miraculously tagged along, I would just be a spoilsport and a plain old party pooper, as they call it. So I guessed that it was a good thing I wasn't there anyway. Least that I ruined the fun.

I hadn't been feeling all that great since the start of October. And I just realized it wasn't because of the exams that caused me to be all BLUE.

Things happened. Stuff took place. And I just feel like shit right now.

And with everybody being either too busy studying before, talking about the latest happenings in the social world which I'm absoulutely clueless about, and recently, celebrating as the exams are over, I couldn't bear to destroy the cheery surroundings around me.

And the moment I finally am willing to talk and offer my opinions, it just seemed that I was talking to air all the time.

In the end, I just became part of the furniture.

I slowly mastered the skill to blend in with the surroundings. Knowing very well I could never stand out, nor fit in.

If you seem unconvinced by this entire statement I'm making, I won't exactly blame you either.

I'm always putting up a fake front, whenever I face the same people I see everyday in school, this automatic shield comes up and there goes me, smiles and all, lame jokes that aren't appreciated, only when somebody else does repeat the same thing it seems hilarious.

When I want the attention, I never get it, even though I did a lot of hard work to earn it, unlike certain people whose names I shall definitely not mention, that depend on another's popularity to step up to the stairs of fame.

Whenever I just want to be left alone to ponder over myself, it will always be at this time I'll be loaded with problems from other people, and I'll have to be the softie and pushover I am, helping and trying to offer my ears, if not my opinions, or most of the time, my physical and mental effort.

I'm not like 99.9% of my friends who are already naturally well-known, people naturally like them, and are naturally popular, not forgetting naturally well-liked by all teachers, naturally out-going with all the seniors, naturally famous, hence, a naturally overall excellent teenager with a naturally great outstanding social status and life.

Nobody knows how awkward it is when everybody around you are talking to seniors about important school issues, or just going through the normal stuff, and this particular blogger who have no idea what to say feels shunned and left aside to fend for herself in the totally awkward situation(s).

Nobody realizes when I'm really in trouble, unless I get dramatic over it.

Nobody understands what I'm going through at this very moment.

Nobody bothers to ask for a second opinion from me, even if they do, it never applies anyway as it ALWAYS appear as stupid or dumb to them.

Nobody exactly gets it when I rant, and they laugh over it as if it was of mere importance to them.

And about now, what I had just said might be happening already.

Oh, wait a minute, I totally forgot.

NOBODY READS THIS BLOG.

As if I have to be reminded that my tagbox is always empty?

As if I need to know that my blog has at least 20 hits, and 3/4 of those hits are my own to see whether anybody came by or not?

As if I need to cut myself even deeper that there are only the same names popping up in the tagbox, showing that I only have a limited circle of friends that may care?

As if I need to know once more, I'm not like an ordinary 15 year old, living the life she should?

As if I have to be reminded of all of these issue that may seem like nil or minor to you, but majordomo important to me?

Seriously, I have no idea why I'm ranting at all in the first place, since only a small minority that do knows of my existence comes over once in awhile.

And I expect hate messages from offended people who do read this.

What the heck.

When the rest do offend me, which is very rare indeed, I'll always have to keep it in.

So let them feel the pain. For once.

***** I told myself many times before, that popularity isn't all that important, that to be like those I really respect, it's all about being yourself and that's what matters.

But, you really cannot expect me to believe that I don't even deserve some love and care once in awhile?

Hey, I'm only human.

It's always my job to try and understand what problems the others are going through, with me trying to solve them.

Now, it's their turn.

I give up being nice already.

***** Oh yeah, it's my blog's 100th entry at long last, after three long years.

Happy 100th post O faithful one.

Thanks for always being there for me, except times when I have no Internet access of course.

***** And to the PMR students of 2008, happy post-PMR. Go and rock the streets out there.

Then tell me all about your laughter and smiles.

While I rot at home doing nothing.

...

...

...

...

What's that smell?

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

Okay, I had been online for eight hours non-stop, with proper snack and TeeVee breaks between intervals.

Been blog-viewing, updating my very boring life with some recent news around the community, society, what the heck, and apparently many third-formers had blogged about their "Road to Liberation". And many do feel the joy and freedom from PMR being over for good.

But honestly, I didn't feel anything for it at all.

Right after the Geography paper, everybody was smiling, laughing, hugging their friends. I won't say that nobody embraced me in their happiness and glee, I gladly accepted and gave them a smile.

But that was about it.

I didn't even cheer when the teachers congratulated us for so-called finishing our journey.

Well, call me weird, label me a freak. I'm already used to it.

The only emotion I really felt throughout the whole process.

Emptiness.

Seriously, I just felt totally blanked out through the whole thingamajig.

Speaking of post-PMR blues, I was supposed to hang out with some friends after school earlier. But, due to personal reasons, I didn't exactly make it in the end. In any case, even if I did miraculously tagged along, I would just be a spoilsport and a plain old party pooper, as they call it. So I guessed that it was a good thing I wasn't there anyway. Least that I ruined the fun.

I hadn't been feeling all that great since the start of October. And I just realized it wasn't because of the exams that caused me to be all BLUE.

Things happened. Stuff took place. And I just feel like shit right now.

And with everybody being either too busy studying before, talking about the latest happenings in the social world which I'm absoulutely clueless about, and recently, celebrating as the exams are over, I couldn't bear to destroy the cheery surroundings around me.

And the moment I finally am willing to talk and offer my opinions, it just seemed that I was talking to air all the time.

In the end, I just became part of the furniture.

I slowly mastered the skill to blend in with the surroundings. Knowing very well I could never stand out, nor fit in.

If you seem unconvinced by this entire statement I'm making, I won't exactly blame you either.

I'm always putting up a fake front, whenever I face the same people I see everyday in school, this automatic shield comes up and there goes me, smiles and all, lame jokes that aren't appreciated, only when somebody else does repeat the same thing it seems hilarious.

When I want the attention, I never get it, even though I did a lot of hard work to earn it, unlike certain people whose names I shall definitely not mention, that depend on another's popularity to step up to the stairs of fame.

Whenever I just want to be left alone to ponder over myself, it will always be at this time I'll be loaded with problems from other people, and I'll have to be the softie and pushover I am, helping and trying to offer my ears, if not my opinions, or most of the time, my physical and mental effort.

I'm not like 99.9% of my friends who are already naturally well-known, people naturally like them, and are naturally popular, not forgetting naturally well-liked by all teachers, naturally out-going with all the seniors, naturally famous, hence, a naturally overall excellent teenager with a naturally great outstanding social status and life.

Nobody knows how awkward it is when everybody around you are talking to seniors about important school issues, or just going through the normal stuff, and this particular blogger who have no idea what to say feels shunned and left aside to fend for herself in the totally awkward situation(s).

Nobody realizes when I'm really in trouble, unless I get dramatic over it.

Nobody understands what I'm going through at this very moment.

Nobody bothers to ask for a second opinion from me, even if they do, it never applies anyway as it ALWAYS appear as stupid or dumb to them.

Nobody exactly gets it when I rant, and they laugh over it as if it was of mere importance to them.

And about now, what I had just said might be happening already.

Oh, wait a minute, I totally forgot.

NOBODY READS THIS BLOG.

As if I have to be reminded that my tagbox is always empty?

As if I need to know that my blog has at least 20 hits, and 3/4 of those hits are my own to see whether anybody came by or not?

As if I need to cut myself even deeper that there are only the same names popping up in the tagbox, showing that I only have a limited circle of friends that may care?

As if I need to know once more, I'm not like an ordinary 15 year old, living the life she should?

As if I have to be reminded of all of these issue that may seem like nil or minor to you, but majordomo important to me?

Seriously, I have no idea why I'm ranting at all in the first place, since only a small minority that do knows of my existence comes over once in awhile.

And I expect hate messages from offended people who do read this.

What the heck.

When the rest do offend me, which is very rare indeed, I'll always have to keep it in.

So let them feel the pain. For once.

***** I told myself many times before, that popularity isn't all that important, that to be like those I really respect, it's all about being yourself and that's what matters.

But, you really cannot expect me to believe that I don't even deserve some love and care once in awhile?

Hey, I'm only human.

It's always my job to try and understand what problems the others are going through, with me trying to solve them.

Now, it's their turn.

I give up being nice already.

***** Oh yeah, it's my blog's 100th entry at long last, after three long years.

Happy 100th post O faithful one.

Thanks for always being there for me, except times when I have no Internet access of course.

***** And to the PMR students of 2008, happy post-PMR. Go and rock the streets out there.

Then tell me all about your laughter and smiles.

While I rot at home doing nothing.

...

...

...

...

What's that smell?

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Post a Comment