STOP.

Well, I highly advise you to move along now if you're not interested in seeing a fifteen year old rant her life out.

Not like it's my problem anyway.

As some of you might know, I promised to start on my entries concerning the topics I had featured in my previous entry.

But, I'd decided that could wait.

For now, it's me, myself and I.

If anybody had noticed today, or any other day actually, I had been a very cranky, depressed, unhappy and emofied girl.

Or if you say no to the aforementioned statement, you instead are always spotting me as a happy-go-lucky individual who goes high at the most inappropriate time, laughs out loud at the smallest joke and look like the average teen girl next door.

Now you shall know.

The truth behind that facade, is a weakling crying out loud in her heart, and is just trying to show off a brave front, to avoid being looked down upon.

Frankly, I'm going through the not so great phase of my teenage life.

I feel broken.

I feel like trash.

I feel like crap.

I feel like a dumbass.

I totally ruined my own life.

But it's also thanks to some certain issues in my life that made it happen.

I'd just read a very much respected friend's blog, and that would be Autopsy Jude.

I agree with two things that I myself am facing at this very moment you're reading this, and for how long I have no idea.

And I quote from her,

"but you know how when aspergians/austic people lose their talent when their social skills improve?"

I have no idea, I may be one of them, but I had realized indeed how I'd lost this very important talent now that I had learnt how to socialize a little, since I wasn't a very talkative person in the first place.

I had been taught to observe.

To understand.

But now, I'm losing my talent by gaining the power of speech.

The talent of being myself.

I suck, I know.

Call me a loser, I won't deny it.

Label me freak, I don't mind.

Name me two-faced, that's me.

Accept it. In fact, I can gladly announce that I have MORE than two faces.

So, don't say I didn't warn you.

You may be asking me, why the need for so many identities?

Well, I would say that, it's because I'm trying to learn to adapt to different everyday situations.

In case you may never noticed, I disappeared from everyones' sights in Form 2, because I was trying so hard to search for who I really am.

The real me that I had lost.

And which I thought I gained back.

But now, I think need to slip away into nothingness again, and do some soul-searching.

'Cos there's no point in living like this, actually.

But really, it won't be as simple as I think.

I'm already ADDICTED to the thing called ATTENTION already.

Always had been.

It's in my horoscope, for goodness's sake.

For your information, I'm a Taurean.

The bull.

I'm stubborn.

I'm hard-headed.

I'm also insecure.

I'm slowly losing my friends, one by one.

Some are my real friends, the true blue ones, but now everything seems so awkward when we talk. It's not like the last time anymore.

Honestly, I think I'd already lost all of my real friends.

The ones who would always be by my side.

But I had failed them in a way.

I had apologize, but they don't even give me a reaction.

Whether they had forgiven me.

Or still grudging against me.

Tell you the truth, I have no idea at all.

Some of my so-called friends, who always said they will always be by my side, no matter what happens.

Yeah, seems so when I gained credit for something that I'd done, you all come in to share the prize, the glamour, the fame, the glitz.

When I'm down in the dumps, you may try to seem attentive by asking me whether I'm alright.

And I answer it's all fine, you'll ask me why.

That's when I thought I can confide in you, trust you with my problems, despite the fact I had never believed in friends that will go with you through thick and thin.

The moment I mouthed out my first word, your attention would be on another, and I would had found out that I was just talking to thin air all this time.

Another minority of you might think that I'm only hanging out with the populazzi because of the fame and fortune.

Figures.

Sadly, that's just the general perception.

Had anybody bothered to come up to me to ask me WHY?

No.

I just wish that people would just approach me, tell me what's the freaking problem they find with me, and let me get some feedback at least.

I might change if it's really an attitude problem on my side, but then again, I can't satisfy everyone.

But.

Nobody bothers.

There are those minority of the people who do not want to hear your comments, yet you just give it to them without them consenting.

I'm one of those people who wants to know what you all think about, but everybody is just shunning me off.

Can't anybody just be honest with me?

What's the use of stabbing each other in the back and dissing and bitching about the rest? It won't change anything at all.

*****
You know how is it when you finally get to rant to somebody who's willing to listen at last, but the whole situation turns around and seems to make you look like the fibber?

Everything seems to be so peaceful and perfect then.

I'd experienced it so many times, I swear I lost count.

It just happened today again.

Somebody was a clear witness, and I don't blame you for giving me the cold shoulder.

But seriously, all this perfection always end in just a span of one day.

OR.

When you finally believed that somebody's being nice to you, the niceness will fade away just at that moment when you're so bloody convinced the world's getting better a whole damn last.

Interesting, eh?

You wouldn't understand if it never happened to you before.

*****
Some personal rants to random people.

To YOU, thanks for being honest with me. Even though it wasn't so much. But I got half the picture at least.

To YOU, on the other hand, are NOT being honest with me so far, because even if you are, I seriously have no clear idea at all. You can personally just tell me what's wrong, even though I already know what's wrong, but seriously, if it's entirely my fault, you're very capable of just shutting me up with your direct way of speech. It's that easy for you. Really, I mean no sarcasm. I still vaguely remember that you had mentioned to me once or twice that once you hate, dislike, or have a grudge on somebody, you'll never get to bring yourself to try to be even an acquaintance to that particular person anymore, if you can help it. If you can get what I'm trying to say, let me ask you, am I now among that category of people? Please, tell me. I really think it's better to resolve any indifferences between us than let us hang like that, everytime I see you, it's just so awkward, we can't even say hi without a slight cringe your face. And that's when I'll feel all uncomfortable talking to you.

To YOU. You were always the lackey the last time, I won't deny that. Now, you had gained all immense popularity, fame and the X Factor of teenagers our age. All of us are actually shocked at the change in you, from the meek timid follower to the dominator, who still have the follower traits actually but it's just not that obvious anymore. You used to sort of follow people around, and now, it seems that it's my turn. Like I said, it only SEEMS. I'll never bow down low to you, and even if I do, it's only a cover to show that I may look all goody two-shoes and all, but you better not remove that shield of yours, for you shall crumble one day due to your own behaviour.

YOU. You share, I can say, almost all of your deepest darkest secrets and problems with me, and I can say that I trust you with mine too. But I realized one thing. I may sound selfish, but you are sometimes too. I mean, who in the world isn't selfish now? Everybody wants everything and anything that benefits them for sure. Don't even deny it. It's reality. I'm always the listener, and actually, I can't deny I'm naturally born for this role, even the juniors come to me sometimes for apparent counselling sessions. Yeah, I can actually help others, giving the sanest of sane advice, but I can't even help myself. How ironic. And I digress. Basically, I don't blame you, since your life is definitely more eventful and exciting than mine, but I feel that I'm only needed when you need to rant. You never sensed that I need to talk to you till I make myself so obvious to your oblivious eyes. But by the time you decided to get me talking, it's too late, for I would have chosen to bottle my emotions all up and let myself suffer alone. It's so hard talking to you nowadays, for I don't really find myself comfortable around you anymore, let alone other people.

I don't even care if you ever find out your identity here already.

And I'm still sorry if you're offended.

But hey, does anybody care when I'm hurt?

When nobody cares for me?

No.

'Cos I already know I'm going to lose everyone one day. And the day has come I believe.

*****Autopsy Jude had also mentioned this in her entry.

And I quote once more,

"now im starting to think if this is normal. because usually people go through this depressing phase when their 15."

And hell yeah, I totally agree with that.

I had never realized how true that statement is till she wrote it down in black and white in her entry, and frankly, it just hit me like that.

I mean, I known a few seniors, especially this guy from my primary school, who's really mean to me and all, and will try to get me in trouble whenever he could. Until last year, when he was a third former, he started being all nice to me, and the then still immature me was going, I bet he hit his head against the wall or something, for he was being insanely nice.

What I'm trying to say is, the major issues of teenagedom occur at 15 apparently, and I'm feeling it. So much.

All the emotions.

All the random thoughts in my brains clashing with each other.

All the not so witty remarks that I have to learn in order to survive life as a teenager.

All the rebellious moves that I had made in order to get my way.

All the pain of the strongest emotion comes back to me all over again.

Although it is very much impossible to do so, all I want now is to stop time.

STOP all this issues coming in from different directions at 200km/h, maybe more.

STOP them all, right at the millisecond when they are just a few inches from causing the biggest collision ever.

STOP, so I can think in peace.

STOP, so I can do some soul-searching.

STOP, so I can find my true identity in this world.

STOP, so I can figure out what was the reason I'm brought into this seemingly cruel and evil reality.

*****Before I get sued for copyright issues, first picture is Stop by tfavretto and Stop the Time by Xemistry is the second picture used.

Now, let me just creep back into the midst of fantasy, and be the escapist.

For once.

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Post a Comment

                                                   

It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

STOP.

Well, I highly advise you to move along now if you're not interested in seeing a fifteen year old rant her life out.

Not like it's my problem anyway.

As some of you might know, I promised to start on my entries concerning the topics I had featured in my previous entry.

But, I'd decided that could wait.

For now, it's me, myself and I.

If anybody had noticed today, or any other day actually, I had been a very cranky, depressed, unhappy and emofied girl.

Or if you say no to the aforementioned statement, you instead are always spotting me as a happy-go-lucky individual who goes high at the most inappropriate time, laughs out loud at the smallest joke and look like the average teen girl next door.

Now you shall know.

The truth behind that facade, is a weakling crying out loud in her heart, and is just trying to show off a brave front, to avoid being looked down upon.

Frankly, I'm going through the not so great phase of my teenage life.

I feel broken.

I feel like trash.

I feel like crap.

I feel like a dumbass.

I totally ruined my own life.

But it's also thanks to some certain issues in my life that made it happen.

I'd just read a very much respected friend's blog, and that would be Autopsy Jude.

I agree with two things that I myself am facing at this very moment you're reading this, and for how long I have no idea.

And I quote from her,

"but you know how when aspergians/austic people lose their talent when their social skills improve?"

I have no idea, I may be one of them, but I had realized indeed how I'd lost this very important talent now that I had learnt how to socialize a little, since I wasn't a very talkative person in the first place.

I had been taught to observe.

To understand.

But now, I'm losing my talent by gaining the power of speech.

The talent of being myself.

I suck, I know.

Call me a loser, I won't deny it.

Label me freak, I don't mind.

Name me two-faced, that's me.

Accept it. In fact, I can gladly announce that I have MORE than two faces.

So, don't say I didn't warn you.

You may be asking me, why the need for so many identities?

Well, I would say that, it's because I'm trying to learn to adapt to different everyday situations.

In case you may never noticed, I disappeared from everyones' sights in Form 2, because I was trying so hard to search for who I really am.

The real me that I had lost.

And which I thought I gained back.

But now, I think need to slip away into nothingness again, and do some soul-searching.

'Cos there's no point in living like this, actually.

But really, it won't be as simple as I think.

I'm already ADDICTED to the thing called ATTENTION already.

Always had been.

It's in my horoscope, for goodness's sake.

For your information, I'm a Taurean.

The bull.

I'm stubborn.

I'm hard-headed.

I'm also insecure.

I'm slowly losing my friends, one by one.

Some are my real friends, the true blue ones, but now everything seems so awkward when we talk. It's not like the last time anymore.

Honestly, I think I'd already lost all of my real friends.

The ones who would always be by my side.

But I had failed them in a way.

I had apologize, but they don't even give me a reaction.

Whether they had forgiven me.

Or still grudging against me.

Tell you the truth, I have no idea at all.

Some of my so-called friends, who always said they will always be by my side, no matter what happens.

Yeah, seems so when I gained credit for something that I'd done, you all come in to share the prize, the glamour, the fame, the glitz.

When I'm down in the dumps, you may try to seem attentive by asking me whether I'm alright.

And I answer it's all fine, you'll ask me why.

That's when I thought I can confide in you, trust you with my problems, despite the fact I had never believed in friends that will go with you through thick and thin.

The moment I mouthed out my first word, your attention would be on another, and I would had found out that I was just talking to thin air all this time.

Another minority of you might think that I'm only hanging out with the populazzi because of the fame and fortune.

Figures.

Sadly, that's just the general perception.

Had anybody bothered to come up to me to ask me WHY?

No.

I just wish that people would just approach me, tell me what's the freaking problem they find with me, and let me get some feedback at least.

I might change if it's really an attitude problem on my side, but then again, I can't satisfy everyone.

But.

Nobody bothers.

There are those minority of the people who do not want to hear your comments, yet you just give it to them without them consenting.

I'm one of those people who wants to know what you all think about, but everybody is just shunning me off.

Can't anybody just be honest with me?

What's the use of stabbing each other in the back and dissing and bitching about the rest? It won't change anything at all.

*****
You know how is it when you finally get to rant to somebody who's willing to listen at last, but the whole situation turns around and seems to make you look like the fibber?

Everything seems to be so peaceful and perfect then.

I'd experienced it so many times, I swear I lost count.

It just happened today again.

Somebody was a clear witness, and I don't blame you for giving me the cold shoulder.

But seriously, all this perfection always end in just a span of one day.

OR.

When you finally believed that somebody's being nice to you, the niceness will fade away just at that moment when you're so bloody convinced the world's getting better a whole damn last.

Interesting, eh?

You wouldn't understand if it never happened to you before.

*****
Some personal rants to random people.

To YOU, thanks for being honest with me. Even though it wasn't so much. But I got half the picture at least.

To YOU, on the other hand, are NOT being honest with me so far, because even if you are, I seriously have no clear idea at all. You can personally just tell me what's wrong, even though I already know what's wrong, but seriously, if it's entirely my fault, you're very capable of just shutting me up with your direct way of speech. It's that easy for you. Really, I mean no sarcasm. I still vaguely remember that you had mentioned to me once or twice that once you hate, dislike, or have a grudge on somebody, you'll never get to bring yourself to try to be even an acquaintance to that particular person anymore, if you can help it. If you can get what I'm trying to say, let me ask you, am I now among that category of people? Please, tell me. I really think it's better to resolve any indifferences between us than let us hang like that, everytime I see you, it's just so awkward, we can't even say hi without a slight cringe your face. And that's when I'll feel all uncomfortable talking to you.

To YOU. You were always the lackey the last time, I won't deny that. Now, you had gained all immense popularity, fame and the X Factor of teenagers our age. All of us are actually shocked at the change in you, from the meek timid follower to the dominator, who still have the follower traits actually but it's just not that obvious anymore. You used to sort of follow people around, and now, it seems that it's my turn. Like I said, it only SEEMS. I'll never bow down low to you, and even if I do, it's only a cover to show that I may look all goody two-shoes and all, but you better not remove that shield of yours, for you shall crumble one day due to your own behaviour.

YOU. You share, I can say, almost all of your deepest darkest secrets and problems with me, and I can say that I trust you with mine too. But I realized one thing. I may sound selfish, but you are sometimes too. I mean, who in the world isn't selfish now? Everybody wants everything and anything that benefits them for sure. Don't even deny it. It's reality. I'm always the listener, and actually, I can't deny I'm naturally born for this role, even the juniors come to me sometimes for apparent counselling sessions. Yeah, I can actually help others, giving the sanest of sane advice, but I can't even help myself. How ironic. And I digress. Basically, I don't blame you, since your life is definitely more eventful and exciting than mine, but I feel that I'm only needed when you need to rant. You never sensed that I need to talk to you till I make myself so obvious to your oblivious eyes. But by the time you decided to get me talking, it's too late, for I would have chosen to bottle my emotions all up and let myself suffer alone. It's so hard talking to you nowadays, for I don't really find myself comfortable around you anymore, let alone other people.

I don't even care if you ever find out your identity here already.

And I'm still sorry if you're offended.

But hey, does anybody care when I'm hurt?

When nobody cares for me?

No.

'Cos I already know I'm going to lose everyone one day. And the day has come I believe.

*****Autopsy Jude had also mentioned this in her entry.

And I quote once more,

"now im starting to think if this is normal. because usually people go through this depressing phase when their 15."

And hell yeah, I totally agree with that.

I had never realized how true that statement is till she wrote it down in black and white in her entry, and frankly, it just hit me like that.

I mean, I known a few seniors, especially this guy from my primary school, who's really mean to me and all, and will try to get me in trouble whenever he could. Until last year, when he was a third former, he started being all nice to me, and the then still immature me was going, I bet he hit his head against the wall or something, for he was being insanely nice.

What I'm trying to say is, the major issues of teenagedom occur at 15 apparently, and I'm feeling it. So much.

All the emotions.

All the random thoughts in my brains clashing with each other.

All the not so witty remarks that I have to learn in order to survive life as a teenager.

All the rebellious moves that I had made in order to get my way.

All the pain of the strongest emotion comes back to me all over again.

Although it is very much impossible to do so, all I want now is to stop time.

STOP all this issues coming in from different directions at 200km/h, maybe more.

STOP them all, right at the millisecond when they are just a few inches from causing the biggest collision ever.

STOP, so I can think in peace.

STOP, so I can do some soul-searching.

STOP, so I can find my true identity in this world.

STOP, so I can figure out what was the reason I'm brought into this seemingly cruel and evil reality.

*****Before I get sued for copyright issues, first picture is Stop by tfavretto and Stop the Time by Xemistry is the second picture used.

Now, let me just creep back into the midst of fantasy, and be the escapist.

For once.

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment