I have been having dizzy spells recently. Minor headaches and fatigue are also affecting me once more.

I hate feeling so tired. It makes me feel unproductive when it comes to my personal to-do list. (I compiled this list so that I wouldn't feel kind of useless when it comes to everyday life, i.e. doing nothing because I'm not allowed from doing chores in case my health gets affected. More on that some other time.)

There was this period of time when I felt like I was a normal, healthy person again. I was online every single day without fail, I managed to complete the 30 day meme, I got to talk to some of my friends online too.

Obviously, I got too comfortable with that routine.

I really hate how unstable my health is. Just as I'd gotten used to feeling great and active again, my body shuts down on me and I feel pretty awful.

I know I shouldn't be stressing myself out, but I have so many things that are left undone. To think that I actually set a personal deadline for myself to complete said to-do list. (Deadline's before the start of the new year, anyway.)

I just want to start 2012 afresh. I'm looking forward to a major improvement in my health for the coming new year. I don't want to be too hopeful; with great expectations, comes great disappointments as well if things don't go your way. Some of you might think that I'm viewing the glass as half-empty, but it's not me thinking negatively. I just rather not go through the same kind of frustration, pain, and sadness when I found out that my cancer came back in three short months; I was expecting a full recovery, you see.

I'm sorry to those I have yet to respond online; I feel bad for not replying sooner, and it weighs rather heavily on my heart. (Amanda! I'm so sorry! D:) I'm not exaggerating at all; I just feel obliged to do so, somehow. The fact that I do feel kind of lonely a lot and being cut off from the outside world like this could be another reason as well.

Can't cancer just get out of my life already? It's been here long enough, seriously!

***Being myself makes me look stupid to you. Being defensive makes you view me as someone unfriendly.

I can never please everyone.

It hurts, because I just want to be liked and loved in my own skin.

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Other than the fact that I'm feeling super frustrated and annoyed at the moment, I'm perfectly fine.

Who am I trying to kid. I'm obviously far from okay.

I'm really pissed at a few individuals. Despite the novelty of today being 11/11/11 and me expecting it to be a great day, it's not. I even made a wish at 11:11, and apparently it's far from becoming a reality.

Expectations suck. No wonder Kelly made it a crucial point during our talks and said that I have to rid my life of all these expectations. I'll be a much happier person then.

I'm upset, and there's nobody to talk to.

Oh fuck.

I won't be blogging here till I get some matters resolved and things sorted out.

Till then, I hope everyone reading this is having a better day than me.

Cheers.

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Day 30: A photograph of yourself today + Three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

No photograph! Sorry about that, but like I'd mentioned earlier - I look darn unpresentable.

Three good things, huh.

1. I started to go online more often again and I managed to do some catching up with my friends. (Damn, I missed them so much. Still do!)
   
2. I sent a letter to my Twinnie in KL. (I intend to write more letters to a few more friends.)
   
3. Finishing two parts of my craft project. (Six more parts to go! Then I will expose what this project really is on my blog.)
   

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Day 29: Something you could never get tired of doing.

I won't get tired of doing something easily, but having a short attention span and being such an impatient brat really doesn't help me much. I tend to find it hard to focus on one task only. So, I'll keep switching tasks till I eventually get something done.

That used to be me before cancer. Now, I have too much freedom and too much idle time. Recuperating from my stem cell transplant doesn't count - my body felt like absolute crap and I was pretty much a lifeless zombie.

Anyway, out of so many things that I enjoy doing - doodling, blogging, gaming, etc.; I don't think I will ever get tired of reading.

Reading is such a joy. Books don't judge you, even if some of us do by its cover. To devour every word, stepping into the shoes of the characters, pondering about what message(s) the authour is trying to convey and the satisfaction of finishing a book - delightful, amazing, satisfying.

Suddenly, a few more things come into mind - photography, writing, fashion and the arts.

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Day 28: Your favorite movie.

Another topic asking me for just one favourite. Seriously, this meme needs to understand that I have favourites. Not just one favourite. I'm not that inflexible!

Anyway, I'm just going to list a few of my all-time favourites that I could think of at the top of my head right now.

In no particular order:

'The Way Home'

'Swing Girls'

'The Leap Years'

'Sepet'

'Hook'

'Nana'
All images are sourced from their respective Wikipedia pages except for the poster for The Leap Years, which I got from this link.

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Day 27: A picture of you last year and a picture of you now. How have you changed since then?

2010.

2011.
Okay, so I cheated a little here. The photo I chose for 'now' was actually taken earlier this year, before I found out that my cancer came back. There aren't many changes physically, to be honest. The only things that differ from how I currently look like and me in the picture are the length of my hair and the shape of my face. My hair is starting to grow back, but it's still super short. My face also looks much rounder due to the steroids I have been consuming. It looks all bloated and puffed out.

There, I said it! The main reason why I didn't want to take a new photo of myself and upload it on my blog for this entry. All because...


I digress.

How have I changed since knowing that I got cancer at the age of seventeen?

1. I was forced to grow up even more quickly than before.
   
   
2. I have learnt a whole damn lot about life being a cancer patient than being a normal rebellious teenager.
   
   
3. I am now aware that happiness and good health are my priorities; not perfection, success, fame and expectations.
   
   
4. I have discovered the art of letting go. Discovered, mind you, not mastering.
   
   
5. I have been taught the valuable lesson of not taking things for granted and appreciating what I already have.
   
   
6. I have made the phrase 'stop and smell the roses' one of my personal mottos to live by.
   
   
7. I'm still too selfless to be true and a drastic people-pleaser, but I have learnt how to love myself a little more and start being selfish once in a blue moon.
   
   
8. I have been made conscious of how unpredictable life is and can be; how short life is, how I only get to live once as my current identity with my current level of understanding and my current family members and friends.
   
   
9. I have found out who are my true friends, and who aren't.
   
   
10. Knowing that time isn't really on my side, nor anyone else's.
    

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Day 26: A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.

Merlion Park, Singapore.
16th January 2010.
I can easily count the number of times I've been to Singapore using just one hand. Some of my friends who are reading this might find this statement of mine absolutely pathetic; I know friends who frequent Singapore very often for shopping trips and/or hanging out with their friends instead of choosing to meet up in the same old places here. So, don't laugh at the fact that I hardly know how to get across the boarder to Singapore. I don't find it particularly funny nor amusing.

I will master the art of getting into Singapore and back into Malaysia eventually, okay! This has nothing to do with airports either. I'm thinking public transport.

I do look forward to going there for extreme window shopping, filling my stomach with good food, and immersing myself in the arts there one day when I've recovered from cancer. Also, I would like to visit a few friends there - one of them being my previous piano teacher, Miss Ng who has settled down there with her husband, and quite a number of friends from RYLA 2008.

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Day 25: What’s in your handbag?

I have lots of random bits and pieces in my handbag, or rather, knapsack. I'm more of a knapsack kind of girl, really. I find it more practical. If I really have to use a handbag, it's normally huge so that I can fit in more trash stuff inside.

Generally, the must bring items are:

1. My wallet.
2. Reading material of any kind - magazines, comics, the like.
   
3. At least one book.
   
4. A bottle of water.
5. My cell phone.
6. A few packets of tissue paper.
7. A notepad.
   
8. A pen.

Surprisingly, you won't find make-up in my bag - unlike most girls.

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

I have been having dizzy spells recently. Minor headaches and fatigue are also affecting me once more.

I hate feeling so tired. It makes me feel unproductive when it comes to my personal to-do list. (I compiled this list so that I wouldn't feel kind of useless when it comes to everyday life, i.e. doing nothing because I'm not allowed from doing chores in case my health gets affected. More on that some other time.)

There was this period of time when I felt like I was a normal, healthy person again. I was online every single day without fail, I managed to complete the 30 day meme, I got to talk to some of my friends online too.

Obviously, I got too comfortable with that routine.

I really hate how unstable my health is. Just as I'd gotten used to feeling great and active again, my body shuts down on me and I feel pretty awful.

I know I shouldn't be stressing myself out, but I have so many things that are left undone. To think that I actually set a personal deadline for myself to complete said to-do list. (Deadline's before the start of the new year, anyway.)

I just want to start 2012 afresh. I'm looking forward to a major improvement in my health for the coming new year. I don't want to be too hopeful; with great expectations, comes great disappointments as well if things don't go your way. Some of you might think that I'm viewing the glass as half-empty, but it's not me thinking negatively. I just rather not go through the same kind of frustration, pain, and sadness when I found out that my cancer came back in three short months; I was expecting a full recovery, you see.

I'm sorry to those I have yet to respond online; I feel bad for not replying sooner, and it weighs rather heavily on my heart. (Amanda! I'm so sorry! D:) I'm not exaggerating at all; I just feel obliged to do so, somehow. The fact that I do feel kind of lonely a lot and being cut off from the outside world like this could be another reason as well.

Can't cancer just get out of my life already? It's been here long enough, seriously!

***Being myself makes me look stupid to you. Being defensive makes you view me as someone unfriendly.

I can never please everyone.

It hurts, because I just want to be liked and loved in my own skin.

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Other than the fact that I'm feeling super frustrated and annoyed at the moment, I'm perfectly fine.

Who am I trying to kid. I'm obviously far from okay.

I'm really pissed at a few individuals. Despite the novelty of today being 11/11/11 and me expecting it to be a great day, it's not. I even made a wish at 11:11, and apparently it's far from becoming a reality.

Expectations suck. No wonder Kelly made it a crucial point during our talks and said that I have to rid my life of all these expectations. I'll be a much happier person then.

I'm upset, and there's nobody to talk to.

Oh fuck.

I won't be blogging here till I get some matters resolved and things sorted out.

Till then, I hope everyone reading this is having a better day than me.

Cheers.

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Day 30: A photograph of yourself today + Three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

No photograph! Sorry about that, but like I'd mentioned earlier - I look darn unpresentable.

Three good things, huh.

1. I started to go online more often again and I managed to do some catching up with my friends. (Damn, I missed them so much. Still do!)
   
2. I sent a letter to my Twinnie in KL. (I intend to write more letters to a few more friends.)
   
3. Finishing two parts of my craft project. (Six more parts to go! Then I will expose what this project really is on my blog.)
   

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Day 29: Something you could never get tired of doing.

I won't get tired of doing something easily, but having a short attention span and being such an impatient brat really doesn't help me much. I tend to find it hard to focus on one task only. So, I'll keep switching tasks till I eventually get something done.

That used to be me before cancer. Now, I have too much freedom and too much idle time. Recuperating from my stem cell transplant doesn't count - my body felt like absolute crap and I was pretty much a lifeless zombie.

Anyway, out of so many things that I enjoy doing - doodling, blogging, gaming, etc.; I don't think I will ever get tired of reading.

Reading is such a joy. Books don't judge you, even if some of us do by its cover. To devour every word, stepping into the shoes of the characters, pondering about what message(s) the authour is trying to convey and the satisfaction of finishing a book - delightful, amazing, satisfying.

Suddenly, a few more things come into mind - photography, writing, fashion and the arts.

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Day 28: Your favorite movie.

Another topic asking me for just one favourite. Seriously, this meme needs to understand that I have favourites. Not just one favourite. I'm not that inflexible!

Anyway, I'm just going to list a few of my all-time favourites that I could think of at the top of my head right now.

In no particular order:

'The Way Home'

'Swing Girls'

'The Leap Years'

'Sepet'

'Hook'

'Nana'
All images are sourced from their respective Wikipedia pages except for the poster for The Leap Years, which I got from this link.

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Day 27: A picture of you last year and a picture of you now. How have you changed since then?

2010.

2011.
Okay, so I cheated a little here. The photo I chose for 'now' was actually taken earlier this year, before I found out that my cancer came back. There aren't many changes physically, to be honest. The only things that differ from how I currently look like and me in the picture are the length of my hair and the shape of my face. My hair is starting to grow back, but it's still super short. My face also looks much rounder due to the steroids I have been consuming. It looks all bloated and puffed out.

There, I said it! The main reason why I didn't want to take a new photo of myself and upload it on my blog for this entry. All because...


I digress.

How have I changed since knowing that I got cancer at the age of seventeen?

1. I was forced to grow up even more quickly than before.
   
   
2. I have learnt a whole damn lot about life being a cancer patient than being a normal rebellious teenager.
   
   
3. I am now aware that happiness and good health are my priorities; not perfection, success, fame and expectations.
   
   
4. I have discovered the art of letting go. Discovered, mind you, not mastering.
   
   
5. I have been taught the valuable lesson of not taking things for granted and appreciating what I already have.
   
   
6. I have made the phrase 'stop and smell the roses' one of my personal mottos to live by.
   
   
7. I'm still too selfless to be true and a drastic people-pleaser, but I have learnt how to love myself a little more and start being selfish once in a blue moon.
   
   
8. I have been made conscious of how unpredictable life is and can be; how short life is, how I only get to live once as my current identity with my current level of understanding and my current family members and friends.
   
   
9. I have found out who are my true friends, and who aren't.
   
   
10. Knowing that time isn't really on my side, nor anyone else's.
    

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Day 26: A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.

Merlion Park, Singapore.
16th January 2010.
I can easily count the number of times I've been to Singapore using just one hand. Some of my friends who are reading this might find this statement of mine absolutely pathetic; I know friends who frequent Singapore very often for shopping trips and/or hanging out with their friends instead of choosing to meet up in the same old places here. So, don't laugh at the fact that I hardly know how to get across the boarder to Singapore. I don't find it particularly funny nor amusing.

I will master the art of getting into Singapore and back into Malaysia eventually, okay! This has nothing to do with airports either. I'm thinking public transport.

I do look forward to going there for extreme window shopping, filling my stomach with good food, and immersing myself in the arts there one day when I've recovered from cancer. Also, I would like to visit a few friends there - one of them being my previous piano teacher, Miss Ng who has settled down there with her husband, and quite a number of friends from RYLA 2008.

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Day 25: What’s in your handbag?

I have lots of random bits and pieces in my handbag, or rather, knapsack. I'm more of a knapsack kind of girl, really. I find it more practical. If I really have to use a handbag, it's normally huge so that I can fit in more trash stuff inside.

Generally, the must bring items are:

1. My wallet.
2. Reading material of any kind - magazines, comics, the like.
   
3. At least one book.
   
4. A bottle of water.
5. My cell phone.
6. A few packets of tissue paper.
7. A notepad.
   
8. A pen.

Surprisingly, you won't find make-up in my bag - unlike most girls.

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