Day 8: A song to match your mood.



Secret, ©The Pierces.
I'm very good at keeping secrets.

At times, I just wonder if my friends are capable of doing the same.

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Day 7: Your dream wedding.

I know I am really behind in this 30 day meme. While I still have this mood to blog and am able to release my thoughts to a place with more storage space, I shall try to complete this meme before the start of the new year.

Anyway, I don’t think I ever want to get married. Don’t be mistaken, I love weddings. Weddings are happy events, unless it’s a forced marriage we’re talking about. It’s the fact of marriage, or life after the wedding that I abhor. I don’t want to be tied to responsibilities like being a great wife or/and a great mother. I don’t even think I’m capable of taking care of myself, what more my other half and child/children.

If I really have to give a say on this topic, my dream wedding would be something like Lily and Marshall's from How I Met Your Mother(that episode is one of my favourites!). Not the apparent grand one with all those fine details of course, but just the simple, intimate outdoor event with just their closest friends - Ted, Barney and Robin. In my case, let's add my immediate family members too. Also, if I were to have a wedding - my wedding dress has to be awesome. I won't take anything other than awesome. (I’m observant when it comes to fashion, especially with the many bridal boutiques we have here. In my humble opinion, I think I can never go wrong in a strapless gown. If I never get married and I have the extra cash, I will definitely pamper myself with a professional photoshoot in a wedding gown. Or maybe gowns.)

Or I might go for the extreme and marry myself like what this lady did. Generally, society might think that she was out of her mind for doing such a thing, but I only have pure respect for her. She even has a Facebook page and a blog. My Chinese is naturally not up to standards, but I read articles about her wedding and saw some photos – truly, I respect her so. I fully agree with this quote of hers, "You must learn to love yourself before you can love others." That's one thing I have yet to learn. It's not as easy as it sounds like, for a people-pleaser like me.

That said, I rather be the one attending weddings. Having the limelight on me as the bride will be super stressful. It'll be really lovely to just watch such an occassion and feel happy for the new couple.

Weddings aside, I have always dreamt of being this independent career woman. I’ll do awesome in whatever field that I’ll be involved in then, and I’ll have a stable income that is enough to give my parents a comfortable life, support my needs and donate to charities. I also frequently have this image of me wearing a business suit(no intention of being a businesswoman though, not too interested in the world of business), sipping a martini/mocktail/glass of wine/champagne in a high-end bar – looking all sophisticated and my face just screams,


I am not daydreaming. I will make this a reality.

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Things I have been doing when I'm not too tired from the side effects of my transplant:

1. Watching TV/DVDs.
2. Alternating between Emperor: Rise of the Middle Kingdom and Gardenscapes.
   
3. Working on my beadpoint project.
4. Reading fiction and non-fiction.
5. Avoiding going online because jealousy overwhelms me when I see my friends living normal, interesting lives and the girls looking beautiful - unlike me.
6. Trying to update my cancer blog without sounding like I want to vent all my frustrations and anger on my readers that are guiltless of certain matters.
7. Attempting to be content with what I have and just be happy. (This is fucking hard, I swear.)

*Another trip to KL soon for another blood test.

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I'm tired. I'm really tired.

People care. They really do.

But instead of feeling comforted and assured, I'm more upset and pressured than before.

I don't want to be a hypocrite - but I have to discreetly get this out of my system.

Irony noted, that's for sure.

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Dear F,

I know my very honest entry on my personal Tumblr made you angry at me. Pissed and upset too. I admit - I typed all that in a moment of rashness. I was really consumed by irrationality, which was odd; I thought that I'm quite good at keeping my emotions in check.


You hardly did anything wrong. It was mainly my fault.

I'm sorry. I truly am.

I will definitely explain my actions to you one day. And I hope you will too then.

I don't regret my actions, really, even if the way I did it wasn't totally right.

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Dear I,

I treat you as a very good friend. How you handled yourself and your choice of words really hurt me a lot at that time. In fact, thinking about it now and again still stings. Despite your occasional moments of immaturity and bouts of absolute depression, I tolerated them and tried to help you out because that's what a real friend does. All I wanted is to be a good friend to you, to all of my friends. I know you harbour good intentions and just wanted to go all out to help me, but the way you went about things and not understanding the consequences of your actions caused me sincere unhappiness. You think you are right, but seriously, think again.

You think you're wronged, but you have no idea how much pain you have inflicted on me.

I miss you as a friend, but I cannot forgive you for the words you chose to use; unfortunately, you scarred my image of you as a friend.

I still expect an apology somehow, but knowing you - I don't think it's ever going to happen.

I'll definitely admit my mistakes if I made any, feel free to point them out.


I always hoped that you will finally learn to be content and happy.

I still do.

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Day 6: A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

©gary pepper vintage.
My dad has always been alright with me getting a cat. It’s my mum – the animal hater, who hasn’t been supportive of having a feline in the house. (Note: My mum may hate animals of all kinds and shuns them, but she doesn’t abuse animals. My mum is no sadist! She just had some unpleasant experiences which involved animals.)

Recently, I have been bringing up the topic of getting a pet cat a few times while conversing with my mum. Prior to me getting cancer, she threatened to move out and live somewhere else if I ever brought a cat into the house. Somehow, and miraculously actually – I think my mum is slowly warming up to the idea. Now, she said she’ll just kick the cat away if it ever comes near her. Trust me, I know my mum better than any of you and of course she doesn't mean that literally. That statement she made is actually a positive response to me getting a pet cat in the future.

Too bad that I have to wait till I have fully recovered from cancer to finally have a cat I can call my own. But it’s quite pleasant to know that I finally got my blessings from my mum to have a cat in the house. Of course, I love my mum a lot, and she’s vital in the house and the family. I value her opinions and thoughts, so it’s just...splendid, really!

I actually wanted a cat that resembles Puss in Boots from the Shrek flim series. Short fur, easier to maintain.

©screenrant.
Anna-chan! Guppy! Jia Ying!
Hopefully we can watch his movie together in November,
and I'd fully recovered by then.
Fingers crossed!

But the Auntie from the pet shop has already promised me a cat, and whether the cat is going to be a he or a she - it is going to look a lot like Miso here.

©gary pepper vintage.
Still adorable, still a cat! It's just that I don't think I know how to handle cats with longer fur.

I have yet to think of a name though, but if it's a he, I'll call him Sora perhaps. And if it's a she, I'll call her Mika.

Oh well, I'm most probably going to change my mind when the cat finally arrives.

Cheers!

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Day 5: A photo of yourself two years ago.

It was the year 2009.
I turned 16, and it wasn't all that sweet.
Some of my most bitter memories belonged to that year.
But my happiest also started then.
I got to know who my real friends were,
those who would back me up when I needed them.
I had no need to put up a fake front.
I never felt more free,
never felt more like myself.

It was the year 2009.
I was still living a more normal life.
It was a busy year full with events.
I was tired, but quite satisfied.

It was the year 2009.
I had suicidal thoughts.
I wasn't proud of them.
I made my friends worried sick.
I was stupid.
I didn't know how to treasure life.
I was confused.
It was scary.
My entire life flashed before me during those dark moments.
I never felt more weak.
I never felt more helpless.
Thankfully, those who really loved me;
they saved me.
I'm eternally grateful.

It was the year 2009.
I started to let go.
I learnt to embrace the inner child in me.
I began this lesson of being myself.


And I never looked back.

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

Day 8: A song to match your mood.



Secret, ©The Pierces.
I'm very good at keeping secrets.

At times, I just wonder if my friends are capable of doing the same.

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Day 7: Your dream wedding.

I know I am really behind in this 30 day meme. While I still have this mood to blog and am able to release my thoughts to a place with more storage space, I shall try to complete this meme before the start of the new year.

Anyway, I don’t think I ever want to get married. Don’t be mistaken, I love weddings. Weddings are happy events, unless it’s a forced marriage we’re talking about. It’s the fact of marriage, or life after the wedding that I abhor. I don’t want to be tied to responsibilities like being a great wife or/and a great mother. I don’t even think I’m capable of taking care of myself, what more my other half and child/children.

If I really have to give a say on this topic, my dream wedding would be something like Lily and Marshall's from How I Met Your Mother(that episode is one of my favourites!). Not the apparent grand one with all those fine details of course, but just the simple, intimate outdoor event with just their closest friends - Ted, Barney and Robin. In my case, let's add my immediate family members too. Also, if I were to have a wedding - my wedding dress has to be awesome. I won't take anything other than awesome. (I’m observant when it comes to fashion, especially with the many bridal boutiques we have here. In my humble opinion, I think I can never go wrong in a strapless gown. If I never get married and I have the extra cash, I will definitely pamper myself with a professional photoshoot in a wedding gown. Or maybe gowns.)

Or I might go for the extreme and marry myself like what this lady did. Generally, society might think that she was out of her mind for doing such a thing, but I only have pure respect for her. She even has a Facebook page and a blog. My Chinese is naturally not up to standards, but I read articles about her wedding and saw some photos – truly, I respect her so. I fully agree with this quote of hers, "You must learn to love yourself before you can love others." That's one thing I have yet to learn. It's not as easy as it sounds like, for a people-pleaser like me.

That said, I rather be the one attending weddings. Having the limelight on me as the bride will be super stressful. It'll be really lovely to just watch such an occassion and feel happy for the new couple.

Weddings aside, I have always dreamt of being this independent career woman. I’ll do awesome in whatever field that I’ll be involved in then, and I’ll have a stable income that is enough to give my parents a comfortable life, support my needs and donate to charities. I also frequently have this image of me wearing a business suit(no intention of being a businesswoman though, not too interested in the world of business), sipping a martini/mocktail/glass of wine/champagne in a high-end bar – looking all sophisticated and my face just screams,


I am not daydreaming. I will make this a reality.

2 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Things I have been doing when I'm not too tired from the side effects of my transplant:

1. Watching TV/DVDs.
2. Alternating between Emperor: Rise of the Middle Kingdom and Gardenscapes.
   
3. Working on my beadpoint project.
4. Reading fiction and non-fiction.
5. Avoiding going online because jealousy overwhelms me when I see my friends living normal, interesting lives and the girls looking beautiful - unlike me.
6. Trying to update my cancer blog without sounding like I want to vent all my frustrations and anger on my readers that are guiltless of certain matters.
7. Attempting to be content with what I have and just be happy. (This is fucking hard, I swear.)

*Another trip to KL soon for another blood test.

4 comment(s):

Post a Comment

I'm tired. I'm really tired.

People care. They really do.

But instead of feeling comforted and assured, I'm more upset and pressured than before.

I don't want to be a hypocrite - but I have to discreetly get this out of my system.

Irony noted, that's for sure.

4 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Dear F,

I know my very honest entry on my personal Tumblr made you angry at me. Pissed and upset too. I admit - I typed all that in a moment of rashness. I was really consumed by irrationality, which was odd; I thought that I'm quite good at keeping my emotions in check.


You hardly did anything wrong. It was mainly my fault.

I'm sorry. I truly am.

I will definitely explain my actions to you one day. And I hope you will too then.

I don't regret my actions, really, even if the way I did it wasn't totally right.

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Dear I,

I treat you as a very good friend. How you handled yourself and your choice of words really hurt me a lot at that time. In fact, thinking about it now and again still stings. Despite your occasional moments of immaturity and bouts of absolute depression, I tolerated them and tried to help you out because that's what a real friend does. All I wanted is to be a good friend to you, to all of my friends. I know you harbour good intentions and just wanted to go all out to help me, but the way you went about things and not understanding the consequences of your actions caused me sincere unhappiness. You think you are right, but seriously, think again.

You think you're wronged, but you have no idea how much pain you have inflicted on me.

I miss you as a friend, but I cannot forgive you for the words you chose to use; unfortunately, you scarred my image of you as a friend.

I still expect an apology somehow, but knowing you - I don't think it's ever going to happen.

I'll definitely admit my mistakes if I made any, feel free to point them out.


I always hoped that you will finally learn to be content and happy.

I still do.

0 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Day 6: A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

©gary pepper vintage.
My dad has always been alright with me getting a cat. It’s my mum – the animal hater, who hasn’t been supportive of having a feline in the house. (Note: My mum may hate animals of all kinds and shuns them, but she doesn’t abuse animals. My mum is no sadist! She just had some unpleasant experiences which involved animals.)

Recently, I have been bringing up the topic of getting a pet cat a few times while conversing with my mum. Prior to me getting cancer, she threatened to move out and live somewhere else if I ever brought a cat into the house. Somehow, and miraculously actually – I think my mum is slowly warming up to the idea. Now, she said she’ll just kick the cat away if it ever comes near her. Trust me, I know my mum better than any of you and of course she doesn't mean that literally. That statement she made is actually a positive response to me getting a pet cat in the future.

Too bad that I have to wait till I have fully recovered from cancer to finally have a cat I can call my own. But it’s quite pleasant to know that I finally got my blessings from my mum to have a cat in the house. Of course, I love my mum a lot, and she’s vital in the house and the family. I value her opinions and thoughts, so it’s just...splendid, really!

I actually wanted a cat that resembles Puss in Boots from the Shrek flim series. Short fur, easier to maintain.

©screenrant.
Anna-chan! Guppy! Jia Ying!
Hopefully we can watch his movie together in November,
and I'd fully recovered by then.
Fingers crossed!

But the Auntie from the pet shop has already promised me a cat, and whether the cat is going to be a he or a she - it is going to look a lot like Miso here.

©gary pepper vintage.
Still adorable, still a cat! It's just that I don't think I know how to handle cats with longer fur.

I have yet to think of a name though, but if it's a he, I'll call him Sora perhaps. And if it's a she, I'll call her Mika.

Oh well, I'm most probably going to change my mind when the cat finally arrives.

Cheers!

6 comment(s):

Post a Comment

Day 5: A photo of yourself two years ago.

It was the year 2009.
I turned 16, and it wasn't all that sweet.
Some of my most bitter memories belonged to that year.
But my happiest also started then.
I got to know who my real friends were,
those who would back me up when I needed them.
I had no need to put up a fake front.
I never felt more free,
never felt more like myself.

It was the year 2009.
I was still living a more normal life.
It was a busy year full with events.
I was tired, but quite satisfied.

It was the year 2009.
I had suicidal thoughts.
I wasn't proud of them.
I made my friends worried sick.
I was stupid.
I didn't know how to treasure life.
I was confused.
It was scary.
My entire life flashed before me during those dark moments.
I never felt more weak.
I never felt more helpless.
Thankfully, those who really loved me;
they saved me.
I'm eternally grateful.

It was the year 2009.
I started to let go.
I learnt to embrace the inner child in me.
I began this lesson of being myself.


And I never looked back.

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