15:33
Saturday, 17 December 2011
Saturday, 17 December 2011
It Hurts.
- I hate cancer for ruining my life. I hate cancer for not letting me live my youth like I should be. I hate cancer for making my parents spend so much money in keeping me alive instead of investing in my education so that I could get a good job and provide for them. I hate cancer for making me feel so weak and useless.
- Yet, it's all thanks to cancer for teaching me the values of life and being a better person.
- It hurts to see you so happy. I know I should be happy for you, but truthfully, it's too hard.
- I was lying when I said that I never loved you. I did.
- Couldn't you see that I was just being selfless...? Couldn't you tell that I wanted you to seek happiness because I know that I'll just be a burden to you...?
- I shouldn't have typed the previous statement, because it's going to mess things up.
But it hurts to keep it to myself too. - I didn't want to confide in you about my problems anymore, because I didn't want your girlfriend to get the wrong idea. Just in case, okay?
- You may think that I'm distancing myself from you. The answer is a definite yes, but it's not by choice.
- Why are you being so nice to me? I really appreciate you for being there for me, but it may cause me to have the wrong idea.
- It's ironic how cancer has helped me to filter my friends - those who really care and those who don't give a shit about me.
- Also, I found really nice friends. They may be few, but I enjoy talking to them a lot. They know who they are.
- I don't think you'll ever read this. I really love you as a friend. You said that you love me too. But you never really seem to care.
- I miss you tremendously as a friend. It's just too bad that you sort of wanted me dead. There's no way I can appreciate that.
- I know I'm starting to get forgetten by my friends. I know that this gap between them and me is there. We just don't have much in common to talk about anymore. All of you are continuing your studies, while I'm still stuck at home. It makes me terribly lonely and awkward.
- Some of you are afraid to talk to me because you are afraid of saying the wrong things. I don't blame any of you, but I do miss all of you.
- Some of you are afraid to talk to me because you think that my cancer is contagious and it'll spread to you if you converse with me. You guys suck.
- It's not easy being quarantined like this. It hurts that a lot of you think that I'm just locking myself up because I'm bald and feeling ugly. I do feel ugly, but being quarantined is not my fucking choice. Stop fucking blaming me already!!
- I just feel miserable, tired, and really depressed. I don't mean to blog to rant about all things negative. I said it before, and I'm going to say it again - IT FUCKING HURTS to keep everything to myself.
- This post is far from concise and of substance.
I don't know how to be selfish.
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