21:03
Friday, 28 May 2010
Thought VII.

I can't bring myself to smile like I really mean it.
My head hurts, my heart hurts.
Even by forcing myself to smile,
I'm just being a hypocrite.

I'm told to do something.
Do what exactly?
Talk to her? Apologise to her?
Pretend like this didn't happen at all?
I don't know anymore.

All my life,
whenever shit like this happens,
whenever I seek advice from my friends,
mostly those who are older than me;
they all tend to tell me the same things.

Firstly; ignore.
Secondly; talk to her first.

I'm tired of being the first one to fix things.
I had been told that if I'm the one who made the first move,
it's actually commendable,
because it meant that I wanted things to be like before.
I actually had the initiative to solve the problem.

Well, in my humble opinion,
in this particular matter,
I had already done it.
Right from the very beginning.

I apologised and explained myself.
But my apology was not accepted.
I'm sure to be miffed about it, seriously.

So when she apologised,
I admit, I was upset.
Because I wasn't taken seriously before when I said sorry.
I was angry, mad, sad.

Instead of giving me the time to think things over,
more misunderstandings happened.
I was confronted and I felt accused.
Fragile.
Easily broken.
Scarred.

And once more,
I'm expected to be the one who makes the first move.
Again.
I mean, give me a good reason why.
Seriously.

She looks happy without me.
She looks like she's not bothered by this at all.
She looks normal.
She looks fine.

Who knows?
I'm not her.
Maybe she's hurt,
deep inside.
Maybe she doesn't show it.

I'm at loss now.
I want things to be alright,
but past experiences had enlightened me enough.
Me making the first move?
It always end up with me on the losing side.
I'm traumatised enough.
Does anyone understand that..?

All this indifference is making me insane.
I'm tired.
I'm really tired.


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Hello there! You must have guessed by now – this is Leonie here, and I have no intention of boring you out with a long introduction of yours truly.

I have to admit though – I’m quite an interesting individual; those who know me can confirm that, and those who don’t…I don’t mean to brag, but you’re definitely missing out!

Feel free to click here to get to know me a little bit better! No worries, I’m very friendly and I won’t bite!

Meanwhile,
enjoy reading the Fool in Frames!