Self-healing is going on not too bad so far.

I managed to NOT brood about the matter too much and did not even shed a single tear.

Till I saw these waiting for me.


Yes, the least I can do is to share the happiness and express my appreciation for these individuals here throughout my healing process.

Let's start off with my fellow feline - Anna-chan.

Her comment can be summed up into these three words - short, simple, sweet.

"Leonie! read my blog!"
©Anna Sabrina.
To put it honestly, I was afraid to see what was coming up for me in her blog, but somehow I managed to click on her link.

And what I read just made me bawl like a baby.



To my dear Anna-chan.

I'm glad you, Azri and Guppy were with me all the while during Chemistry that Tuesday.

I didn't want to tell you or Azri because I don't want to burden you both with my thoughts, which are most probably due to oversensitivity and thinking too much into certain matters. It's not worth letting y'all worry about me, when all of you are being the happy, crazy, fun people you guys always are. To me, it will be too evil and cruel of me to spoil that for the both of you. Especially you, Tiger-chan.

There was once when I asked you, "If there was somebody bitching about me to you, who would you rather believe? The statements that that person had said to you, or from how you knew me all this while?" I could see that it was a really hard question for you to answer, and I felt guilty for even thinking of asking you the very same question. Hence, I made up my mind, no more telling Anna-chan about negativity, because I felt that I was hurting you more when you are such an optimistic Tiger-chan. I'm sorry for asking you that question, Anna dear. Truly am sorry.

And I could see you were really worried about me getting involved with self-injury, just like Azri here. Don't you worry, it was just a passing thought, I would be terribly stupid and selfish to commit to self-harm. In fact, I have to say I'm too much of a coward to cause those scars and pain to myself.

You're absolutely right. I should be grateful for who I am, what I am, and how I am at this very moment. I had been blessed with this current physique, so I should be thankful for that instead of being so negative about it.

You know, I had once thought that people who actually do self-harm are really people who just are not thinking straight and they should just stop hurting themselves for all the wrong reasons when they are worth so much more than that. They deserve some other form of happiness instead of releasing emotional stress through pain and self-mutilation.

Through the incident on Tuesday, I can finally understand what really goes on in their minds.

Maybe the Almighty above wanted me to understand the thoughts of how these innocent hurt victims really think, and how they really feel about what's going on in life.

They feel hopeless, alone, hurt, lost.

It's a horrible feeling, and having experiencing that rush of emotions, I learnt so much.

The people who are always looking out for me, I know they do exist now.

I needed to be reassured, but now I know better.

And because you were worried about me committing self-harm, you confessed right there, on your blog, bravely, for all to see, that you were once tempted to do it too. And you, speaking out from your point of view, your experiences and thoughts on the whole issue, really made me teared up on the spot. I mean, it was as though someone understood what I was going through, finally.

There could be tons of other people out there who are tempted to injure themselves, or had been addicted to it, and I think with people like you, who had been through the same circumstances, are the ones who would be role models and emotional supporters to these people.

And one of them, being yours truly.

I'm sincerely grateful for that.

Again, you're right. I should try to relax a lil', from now on. It will be hard, since I think I can certify myself as a workaholic, but I know very well that you, Azri, Jia Ying mummy, and Guppy will help me with that. (:

What you said made a hell lot of sense. It's amazing, how your entry made me cry, laugh, smile and learn all at the same time.

I love you so much dearie, and don't you worry, I'll be working on my so-called defensive skills to defend myself against future ninja attacks from you and Azri ;) *hugs*

PS : Take a picture of your birds with their orange lipstick one day! It'll be a nice laugh for the all of us. :D

Next, the one and only wizard - Azri, or as we fondly know her, Ozri.

In text, her comment is as stated below, complete and unabridged.

Leonie ; ))
first of all;
get well soon oke?
we're all expecting your presence in school. regardless how 'sore eyes/sleepy' you look.
regardless,
you still have one that's called Gurpreet the FreePark, JiaYing the Mommy, Anna the Lumut and me. (although I'm a little bit useless)
chill timun okay?
the wounds, it may take some time to heal. not some time, but a very long time.
but if you don't want to face it anymore, you have to endure it all the way to getting over it.
you can count on us. We will guide you and company you through it all.
although we may not be your bestfriend, but we still want to be with you.
chill oke?
and most importantly,
SMILE,
although you feel like tearing up inside.
I can understand the pain. so try it, if you cry, try to shape a smile. It'll make you think that you're silly. but it heals. because laughter is healing.
don't do things such as self-injury. seriously, it's highly addictive. and do not ever ever do that. I have friends who do that, and they said it's hard to stop. they can't stop even if they want. they're depressed. and feel unloved, just like you.
but you have to be different from them.

regards,
your wizard of Ozri.
agaga.

To my mean wizard, Ozri.

You, never fail to make me more welcomed, together with Anna in class.

If there's something I realized but hadn't confided in this blog, let me do it now.

Every time when you both see me doing my work alone at my seat in class, the both of you will come over and keep me company.

That never failed to make me have a sense of belonging in school.

Yes, you both can make such a huge impact in my schooling days.

Even if it means getting ambushed from the back by you with a plastic bag and nearly getting strangled to death, but hey, no doubt about it, I felt like I was accepted into this strangling game, weird as it sounds.

As in, you guys want me to share in the fun.

I'm really touched by that, all the time.

And please, you, a little bit useless?

You are nowhere near useless.

If I had to knock that into your head, but getting bruised and sore muscles while I'm at it because of your ninja skills, I still would do it.

You have no idea how you being a friend mean to me, from your bullying self to that creepy smile of yours. XD

And please, do not say you guys are not my best friends.

I can almost say..you guys ARE my life now, in school.

School wouldn't be school without you all, as cheesy as this may sound.

You know, every time when you see me looking moody or solemn, when you always tell me to "Smile Leonie, SMILE!", even if I had to force myself to smile, it does help you know. I felt cared for, and every time you say that to me, tears never fail to form in my eyes.

This, all written truthfully and honestly.

Maybe that's why I always smile the widest smile I can whenever you tell me to, so that my eyes aren't so noticeable, tears and all. Haha.

I will be different from them, don't worry.

But your friends that self-harm..isn't there any way we can help? Somehow I find that question of mine very childish, but after going through what they're feeling, I feel that I should be making an effort to help before things get much worse for them.

Another childish question, I think.


But thanks a lot Ozri. I will be making a comeback in school soon. As much as you made me cry with your comment, apparently I'm a cucumber now? =.= Hahah. XD

I'll think twice about hiding your shoes now. *shows angelic face* :P

I will get well soon. At least, try to? :)
PS : Hope you found somebody to go for camp in your place already. I don't want you to go too! ):

Another, my caring, naggy and apparently fierce mummy - Jia Ying.

"go leonie!!
smiles =)
IMY granny.fast2 recover"
© Koh Jia Ying.
She with her everyday actions, can make any human smile.

Ask my classmates, if you choose to doubt me.

Kindness level is way beyond the skies and seas.

Always the one who supplies food when we are starving during classes. Heheh.

And most importantly, she, together with Jaafar, are the first of all people to agree with me on just being satisfied if we could pass our tests and exams for now. Less stress = A happier human.

At least, that's one less worry for me in life.

And that, is a huge achievement already for the worrywart in me!

She didn't think the worse of me throughout The Drama, but instead supported and encouraged me with Anna, Azri, Gurpreet, Jaafar, Anith and Liyana who didn't ask me about it, but chose to just be there by my side at times when I needed company the most.

And..she's the one who started calling me granny. Hahahahahah.

So there you have it.

They who gave me a whole new life in school.

They who had sacrificed a lot for me, being me.

They who never questioned, but just guided me throughout my distress.

They who made me cry, not of sadness, but of appreciation and sincere happiness.

They are who I call..

..kawans. =)

As much as I know how much jealousy this can cause, but hey, that wouldn't be my problem anymore, would it? :]

This entry also does not mean that my other awesome friends out there who really do care aren't my friends. They are just being my friends, but they are showing it in different ways. I know who they are, and they do too, so I'll leave it be. Their identities will be revealed in my blog slowly, but surely. (:

Also, there is a question that may sound like this,


I admit, this was one mistake I had committed before, because I was too naive then. Despite the fact that I had always thought that the status of best friends forever is very hard to attain, but I thought I did, thinking I was one of them lucky ones. Unfortunately, I made this mistake not only once, not twice, but three times in my life. And I'm not going to fall for it anymore, hopefully.

For now, I shall be content with these friends God had blessed me with.

And as long as there's give and take between them friends and me, I don't think there should be a problem at all.

Because my mistake was very simple, I gave too much and refused a lot. I took too little, I was taken for granted in certain situations, and hence the current me.

Though I have to say, this could be one of the worst I had been through.

Hey, locking myself in the toilet and crying my eyes out was a cowardly thing to do, running away from my problems just like that.

I know better now.

I really do.

Said particular someone would know very obviously that I'm talking about her.

So do her friends.

But I have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm just being me, myself and I.

I'm sorry if they are offended by what I had written, but hey, this isn't the first time.

Like what my mumsie had advised, people see and view things differently from how I personally think. Things that I had meant in a harmless way, may seem offensive to others. Things I do speak in a sarcastic manner or harshly could be taken for granted and ignored.

After having a mother-daughter talk yesterday night, and unsuccessfully not being able to control myself from crying, my mumsie, knowing how much I tend to brood over too many things at one go and think into matters too much, just told me the same thing what I had been told.


My mumsie is aware I have a blog, and she warned me not to write too much about what I really feel here, because it's just going to cause more controversies and misunderstandings.

Oh well, I'll let it all out now.

After this, it's time to stand strong again.

And honestly, with the help of my family and friends.

Bless us all.

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It’s not an English name I came up with for myself. My mother is indeed a genius in coming up with such a splendid name for me. Although my name has been unfortunately mutilated (nicknames are excluded) over the past years, full credits to my mum for my current identity.

I’m certainly looking forward to changing the word ‘patient’ to ‘survivor’! If you’re interested to read about my journey in battling lymphoma, you can click here to proceed to my cancer blog.

Ironic, I know; this blog is mainly pink instead. I like all colours actually, but I find myself having an affinity to the colour green. In fact, I can safely say that green is my soul colour.

Languages, music, fashion, photography, cultures, dance, literature, writing; just about anything, really. The arts truly intrigue me, especially thought-provoking pieces. Of course, the arts play a major role in inspiring me in my everyday life.

I don’t have a favourite genre – I read any book that interests me!

I am a trained right-hander from young, since apparently being left-handed is considered ‘wrong’. Basically, I’m ambidextrous! No wonder I find it easier to air guitar using my left hand than my right; I simply relate to the arts than subjects that deal with logical thinking better, too.

A stubborn Bull I am, too. I abhor being rushed. I prefer doing matters at my own reasonable pace. I don’t particularly like changes in my routine, but I can adapt quite easily. I’m a very practical person as well. I enjoy the beautiful things in life, but that doesn’t make me shun ugliness at all. Besides, it all depends on how one perceives beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Still am, but I’m slowly learning to accept imperfection into my life. Also, I’m doing my best to erase the many expectations I have so I could one day master the art of letting go and freeing myself to simple happiness and joy.

Compared to before, I’m less dramatic nowadays. Language-wise, I attempt to blog flawlessly in English and speak proper English online with my peers. Call me a Grammar Nazi all you want, but that’s how I roll. I only converse in perfect English in formal situations and during my dramatic outbursts. Otherwise, I’m absolutely capable of communicating like the average Malaysian!

It’s a different issue altogether when you’re forced to learn for the sake of getting good grades, though. Other than that, I’m open to new information and knowledge anytime! I especially would like to learn more languages and pick up new musical instruments.

…are just some of the things I would love to do in the near future, hopefully!

the basic rules apply. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you happen to be someone who has low EQ skills, I’ll try to be tolerant but my patience is definitely limited. I’m observant when it comes to human behaviour. I’m a person of many opinions, but I don’t voice them out unless I trust you enough; I’m very honest and candid when it comes to the people I can trust. Even though I trust very easily, not everybody can prove that they’re all that nice. Hurt me, and I’ll only defend myself if necessary. Hurt my family or my friends – you won’t find me holding back.

Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
Throw me your questions and/or doubts here! I honestly have nothing to hide, so you’ll expect the truth and nothing but the truth.

It’s only how I phrase my answers that you’ll have to be aware of.
Or…you can click hereto go back to reading!

Self-healing is going on not too bad so far.

I managed to NOT brood about the matter too much and did not even shed a single tear.

Till I saw these waiting for me.


Yes, the least I can do is to share the happiness and express my appreciation for these individuals here throughout my healing process.

Let's start off with my fellow feline - Anna-chan.

Her comment can be summed up into these three words - short, simple, sweet.

"Leonie! read my blog!"
©Anna Sabrina.
To put it honestly, I was afraid to see what was coming up for me in her blog, but somehow I managed to click on her link.

And what I read just made me bawl like a baby.



To my dear Anna-chan.

I'm glad you, Azri and Guppy were with me all the while during Chemistry that Tuesday.

I didn't want to tell you or Azri because I don't want to burden you both with my thoughts, which are most probably due to oversensitivity and thinking too much into certain matters. It's not worth letting y'all worry about me, when all of you are being the happy, crazy, fun people you guys always are. To me, it will be too evil and cruel of me to spoil that for the both of you. Especially you, Tiger-chan.

There was once when I asked you, "If there was somebody bitching about me to you, who would you rather believe? The statements that that person had said to you, or from how you knew me all this while?" I could see that it was a really hard question for you to answer, and I felt guilty for even thinking of asking you the very same question. Hence, I made up my mind, no more telling Anna-chan about negativity, because I felt that I was hurting you more when you are such an optimistic Tiger-chan. I'm sorry for asking you that question, Anna dear. Truly am sorry.

And I could see you were really worried about me getting involved with self-injury, just like Azri here. Don't you worry, it was just a passing thought, I would be terribly stupid and selfish to commit to self-harm. In fact, I have to say I'm too much of a coward to cause those scars and pain to myself.

You're absolutely right. I should be grateful for who I am, what I am, and how I am at this very moment. I had been blessed with this current physique, so I should be thankful for that instead of being so negative about it.

You know, I had once thought that people who actually do self-harm are really people who just are not thinking straight and they should just stop hurting themselves for all the wrong reasons when they are worth so much more than that. They deserve some other form of happiness instead of releasing emotional stress through pain and self-mutilation.

Through the incident on Tuesday, I can finally understand what really goes on in their minds.

Maybe the Almighty above wanted me to understand the thoughts of how these innocent hurt victims really think, and how they really feel about what's going on in life.

They feel hopeless, alone, hurt, lost.

It's a horrible feeling, and having experiencing that rush of emotions, I learnt so much.

The people who are always looking out for me, I know they do exist now.

I needed to be reassured, but now I know better.

And because you were worried about me committing self-harm, you confessed right there, on your blog, bravely, for all to see, that you were once tempted to do it too. And you, speaking out from your point of view, your experiences and thoughts on the whole issue, really made me teared up on the spot. I mean, it was as though someone understood what I was going through, finally.

There could be tons of other people out there who are tempted to injure themselves, or had been addicted to it, and I think with people like you, who had been through the same circumstances, are the ones who would be role models and emotional supporters to these people.

And one of them, being yours truly.

I'm sincerely grateful for that.

Again, you're right. I should try to relax a lil', from now on. It will be hard, since I think I can certify myself as a workaholic, but I know very well that you, Azri, Jia Ying mummy, and Guppy will help me with that. (:

What you said made a hell lot of sense. It's amazing, how your entry made me cry, laugh, smile and learn all at the same time.

I love you so much dearie, and don't you worry, I'll be working on my so-called defensive skills to defend myself against future ninja attacks from you and Azri ;) *hugs*

PS : Take a picture of your birds with their orange lipstick one day! It'll be a nice laugh for the all of us. :D

Next, the one and only wizard - Azri, or as we fondly know her, Ozri.

In text, her comment is as stated below, complete and unabridged.

Leonie ; ))
first of all;
get well soon oke?
we're all expecting your presence in school. regardless how 'sore eyes/sleepy' you look.
regardless,
you still have one that's called Gurpreet the FreePark, JiaYing the Mommy, Anna the Lumut and me. (although I'm a little bit useless)
chill timun okay?
the wounds, it may take some time to heal. not some time, but a very long time.
but if you don't want to face it anymore, you have to endure it all the way to getting over it.
you can count on us. We will guide you and company you through it all.
although we may not be your bestfriend, but we still want to be with you.
chill oke?
and most importantly,
SMILE,
although you feel like tearing up inside.
I can understand the pain. so try it, if you cry, try to shape a smile. It'll make you think that you're silly. but it heals. because laughter is healing.
don't do things such as self-injury. seriously, it's highly addictive. and do not ever ever do that. I have friends who do that, and they said it's hard to stop. they can't stop even if they want. they're depressed. and feel unloved, just like you.
but you have to be different from them.

regards,
your wizard of Ozri.
agaga.

To my mean wizard, Ozri.

You, never fail to make me more welcomed, together with Anna in class.

If there's something I realized but hadn't confided in this blog, let me do it now.

Every time when you both see me doing my work alone at my seat in class, the both of you will come over and keep me company.

That never failed to make me have a sense of belonging in school.

Yes, you both can make such a huge impact in my schooling days.

Even if it means getting ambushed from the back by you with a plastic bag and nearly getting strangled to death, but hey, no doubt about it, I felt like I was accepted into this strangling game, weird as it sounds.

As in, you guys want me to share in the fun.

I'm really touched by that, all the time.

And please, you, a little bit useless?

You are nowhere near useless.

If I had to knock that into your head, but getting bruised and sore muscles while I'm at it because of your ninja skills, I still would do it.

You have no idea how you being a friend mean to me, from your bullying self to that creepy smile of yours. XD

And please, do not say you guys are not my best friends.

I can almost say..you guys ARE my life now, in school.

School wouldn't be school without you all, as cheesy as this may sound.

You know, every time when you see me looking moody or solemn, when you always tell me to "Smile Leonie, SMILE!", even if I had to force myself to smile, it does help you know. I felt cared for, and every time you say that to me, tears never fail to form in my eyes.

This, all written truthfully and honestly.

Maybe that's why I always smile the widest smile I can whenever you tell me to, so that my eyes aren't so noticeable, tears and all. Haha.

I will be different from them, don't worry.

But your friends that self-harm..isn't there any way we can help? Somehow I find that question of mine very childish, but after going through what they're feeling, I feel that I should be making an effort to help before things get much worse for them.

Another childish question, I think.


But thanks a lot Ozri. I will be making a comeback in school soon. As much as you made me cry with your comment, apparently I'm a cucumber now? =.= Hahah. XD

I'll think twice about hiding your shoes now. *shows angelic face* :P

I will get well soon. At least, try to? :)
PS : Hope you found somebody to go for camp in your place already. I don't want you to go too! ):

Another, my caring, naggy and apparently fierce mummy - Jia Ying.

"go leonie!!
smiles =)
IMY granny.fast2 recover"
© Koh Jia Ying.
She with her everyday actions, can make any human smile.

Ask my classmates, if you choose to doubt me.

Kindness level is way beyond the skies and seas.

Always the one who supplies food when we are starving during classes. Heheh.

And most importantly, she, together with Jaafar, are the first of all people to agree with me on just being satisfied if we could pass our tests and exams for now. Less stress = A happier human.

At least, that's one less worry for me in life.

And that, is a huge achievement already for the worrywart in me!

She didn't think the worse of me throughout The Drama, but instead supported and encouraged me with Anna, Azri, Gurpreet, Jaafar, Anith and Liyana who didn't ask me about it, but chose to just be there by my side at times when I needed company the most.

And..she's the one who started calling me granny. Hahahahahah.

So there you have it.

They who gave me a whole new life in school.

They who had sacrificed a lot for me, being me.

They who never questioned, but just guided me throughout my distress.

They who made me cry, not of sadness, but of appreciation and sincere happiness.

They are who I call..

..kawans. =)

As much as I know how much jealousy this can cause, but hey, that wouldn't be my problem anymore, would it? :]

This entry also does not mean that my other awesome friends out there who really do care aren't my friends. They are just being my friends, but they are showing it in different ways. I know who they are, and they do too, so I'll leave it be. Their identities will be revealed in my blog slowly, but surely. (:

Also, there is a question that may sound like this,


I admit, this was one mistake I had committed before, because I was too naive then. Despite the fact that I had always thought that the status of best friends forever is very hard to attain, but I thought I did, thinking I was one of them lucky ones. Unfortunately, I made this mistake not only once, not twice, but three times in my life. And I'm not going to fall for it anymore, hopefully.

For now, I shall be content with these friends God had blessed me with.

And as long as there's give and take between them friends and me, I don't think there should be a problem at all.

Because my mistake was very simple, I gave too much and refused a lot. I took too little, I was taken for granted in certain situations, and hence the current me.

Though I have to say, this could be one of the worst I had been through.

Hey, locking myself in the toilet and crying my eyes out was a cowardly thing to do, running away from my problems just like that.

I know better now.

I really do.

Said particular someone would know very obviously that I'm talking about her.

So do her friends.

But I have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm just being me, myself and I.

I'm sorry if they are offended by what I had written, but hey, this isn't the first time.

Like what my mumsie had advised, people see and view things differently from how I personally think. Things that I had meant in a harmless way, may seem offensive to others. Things I do speak in a sarcastic manner or harshly could be taken for granted and ignored.

After having a mother-daughter talk yesterday night, and unsuccessfully not being able to control myself from crying, my mumsie, knowing how much I tend to brood over too many things at one go and think into matters too much, just told me the same thing what I had been told.


My mumsie is aware I have a blog, and she warned me not to write too much about what I really feel here, because it's just going to cause more controversies and misunderstandings.

Oh well, I'll let it all out now.

After this, it's time to stand strong again.

And honestly, with the help of my family and friends.

Bless us all.

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